New! Improved?

New Scriptures! Not improved, but needed all the same. New Expansion Pack! I can't decide if I like it or not. It seems to have taken away a lot of emotion from my Sims...New perspective! Ok, not new, simply recurring...hm...improved? I have no idea. It's how I see things right now.

Ok, I guess I feel bipolar tonight, or something

Or maybe I'm just trying to describe two different aspects of my emotions tonight. Yeah. There are billions of variations of everything running through me. I am a dynamic character; I am three dimensional, and those dimensions are mind, spirit, and body. I am made of love, desire, independence, and vulnerability. It seems that I must fall to pieces before I can examine those pieces and put myself back together better. I understand now that I have things inside me that haven't been completely washed away. I still need to become a better person everyday, and to keep doing the things I need to do in order to keep those things to a minimum. I understand now that I can't help but be affected by the things other people do, and how they act toward me. So far, anyway. I cannot be torn apart any longer. I need to bring myself to a plain where I can feel emotion for others, but not transfer feeling from their actions to feeling about my worth. I must consider myself, and try to locate any of my faults made more clear by the reactions of others, but I cannot allow myself to create an image of a pathetic, useless Orange just because someone doesn't want to talk to me much anymore. Because although I love others, they do not decide who I am, or how much I have to offer the world. Here's something I'll be working on for the rest of my life.

To create...

I feel a longing, an urge, a need to create something beautiful. It's not a fancy, a wish, or a passing whim. It continues to pain me, to pull at me with more strength each coming day. I need to write something, paint something...create! To bring into existance something that expresses the things I've felt inside, something that though others may not be able to relate to it, they can still understand. I can hear the song, but I can't think of the notes. I can I need to write a poem, to compose music, say something that will take all these pent up longings and turn them into something beautiful...something beautiful...because at times like these, I feel beautiful on the inside.

And there was much rejoicing

I basically have the best friends in the world. No one can convince me otherwise. You make me feel important, loved, accepted. So thank you. I love you all

Gathering bits of sunshine

Although I've come down from my "happiness high", I think I've come up into a more spiritual, peaceful, joy. Perhaps not as full as I have yet to experience, but I feel like I'm on the right track, and that is something worth feeling. I feel like I'm a traveler, and though I get burrs in my socks, and cuts on my skin, and sometimes I don't know where I'm going, there is always Someone who is with me. There is always Home to look forward to. There is always sunshine to gather along the way.

The other side of the fence

Wow...she is jealous...of me. Every sign is there. Sudden spikes of conversation, sugar-coated poison, motives, everything. Why does she suddenly want to talk to me when she never has before? because she thinks I've got a connection she doesn't. She thinks I'm moving in on what has always been hers. She might not even think it's me that's doing the moving. Maybe she senses him moving this way too. As friends, of course, and prolly not away from her at all, but it must still be scary. And what is she going to do about it? Like almost any high school girl, she's going to retaliate. She's going to try to shoot me down from both sides. She's going to pretend to be my friend. She's going to gain my trust. Then, she's going to put me down, make me lower than she. But, she can't let it sound intentional. That's why I haven't seen it for a while. But now the tide washes in. Everything I once did myself (years ago, of course) she is doing now. I cannot blame her. After all, look at what's at stake. The friend, the one with whom she has shared mutual affection for all these years. And then there's me. There's really nothing to be jealous of, but I can see how she would think that. What am I to do? Nothing. I'm going to be his friend just like I have been for a long time. I'm going to try to be nice to her, but I will stop listening to her hateful words. Because really...you can't mess with, or even trust, something as highly volitile, dangerous, and unstable as a jealous woman. I should know.

Life is...

Don't finish that sentence! Don't do it! No! Life is NOT a box of chocolates, life is NOT one big baseball game, life is NOT a rollercoaster ride, life is NOT simply wonderful or simply terrible, and life is definately NOT a rollerskating rink. In a box of chocolates, at least everything looks like it's going to be good. Where are those choices that you have to make where neither of the results are appetizing? Baseball games have times where you can stop and think at regular intervals. Life? definately not. A rollerskating rink...there aren't any holes to fall in, no paths to choose, and nothing new to look at. During a rollercoaster, you are stuck with one person and they are stuck with you. In real life, you have to fight for friends. Life is. That's all there is to it. Life is.

Life is a fast waltz right now. Content, but swift and exiting. Whereas before, it was neurotic, at a tempo too fast to keep up with. I kept falling over. But now, I can enjoy this. The pickle is so...different. Conversations with him make me think about what I feel, and what I really believe.

The second star to the right is falling

True happiness is a habit, a result of decisions, a choice of attitude. True happiness is hope and faith, as well as obedience and gratidude. Happiness is charity. Happiness is friendship and service. Selfsacrifice. Love is happiness, and everything unpleasant that seems attached to it is something totally different. I'm growing older, and I suppose I must trust myself more than I have in the past. I have matured, and though I can still be perfectly sure that I don't know everything, I know many more things than I used to, and am able to make much more level-headed decisions. Despite my efforts to stay in Neverland, real life is sucking me out, and I'm growing up. Sorry, Peter. I can't help it. Still, no matter how old I get, I hope to have some pixie dust everyday. And I suppose there will always be days when I feel like a Lost Girl. Well, Peter Pan, come find me when we both leave Neverland. Maybe once we've both grown up a little more, we'll have the perfect balance: a coming of age, maturity, but with the wide-eyed wonder of youth. Well, when you leave Neverland, come find me, and we'll see how the story ends. For now, let's fight pirates, and dance round the campfire of childhood. I won't get to do it much longer.

Gah! I keep trying to write, but it won't come out. I would be at 200 posts by now if not for all the times I tried to write, but had second thoughts. Maybe that's good. I don't know what emotion I should be having...ha should. What emotion AM I having? I have no idea. Pick a subject, and maybe then I can tell you my feelings on it. Maybe not, though. There are so many facets to each situation. Things are getting better and worse at the same time.

Goodness gracious...things are going crazy! er!

Do you ever?

Do you ever have sudden urges to break free of everything? To run as far as your legs will take you, and never look back. To tell everyone exactly what you think and exactly why you think it. To be yourself and not even care. Do you ever want to do something irrational and see what happens? Or maybe simply expieriment scenarios in your brain, calculating everyone's reaction, and your own post action feelings. Do you ever laugh to yourself, because you know something that no one else knows? Or something that no one else believes? Do you ever want something, but keep reminding yourself that you shouldn't? Do you ever find yourself falling into thought, and emotion, and wondering where reality disappeared to? Do you ever?

I do. I think you do too sometimes.

I'm still waiting for it...

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies. - PG Wodehouse

Peace

This is right. This is good. This is what I want, and it's something I should want. Soft glances, sweet smiles. Not rushed, not trudging. This is right. This is good. Cheerful words, and understanding silences. Not wanting anything anything more, not fearing anything less. The only one who could mess this up is me. It Thanks, Father. I needed this.

Finally!

Ha! I found him! And got in contact! Ha! Wow, no walls of distance and time are unconquerable. I hope he doesn't think I'm a stalker...I'm really not...oh well. I've completed my task. It feels so good.

Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before

Ok, I just had to tell ya'all this...it makes me happy. In "You're so True", Joseph Arthur sings my name :D haha it's really cool, because it makes the whole song as if it's to me, hehe. He says "All the day, All the time, You and I, Noelle. You're the waves of my ocean. Here's my ring and my devotion" haha ok, maybe he says "You and I know well" but still, it's pretty sweet.

Thomas S. Monson is my hero

"[The Lord's] sweet assurance . . . can guide you and me--in our time, in our day, in our lives. Of course, we will face fear, experience ridicule, and meet opposition. Let us have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God's approval. Courage becomes aliving and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully, but also as a determination to live decently.A moral coward is one who is afraid to do what he thinks is right because others will disapprove or laugh. Remember that all men have their fears, but those who face their fears with dignity have courage as well."

Kindness

I used to think that was all that mattered. But there's something more. In being a leader, kindess is extremely important. You have to love your section. However, you also have to lead with determination, correction, and purpose. Acting like a friend doesn't always gain someone's respect. Just because you love them doesn't ensure that they will follow. Neither does discipline. A combination of both Christ-like love, and caring reproof only for the good of the person and section will be effective. Man, and preparation...I need to go.

Vague introspection. Not worth reading. But I needed to write it

I failed. Sometimes we just crash. No matter how hard we try, there are times when we fall, when we fail. That's a part of life. Getting up and trying harder is an even more important part. But, sometimes it takes a little time. I'm going to need a bit of time before I have the strength. Maybe an hour, maybe a few more. Immerse myself in music and thought. Take a vacation from stress and doubt. I need to forget the bad and come back fighting. I need some time to plan and to reflect without any pressure from the next day, the next minute, the next hard thing I have to get over. Questions...why does she? Why does he? Why do I? I don't know, and maybe I don't have to know right now. I just have to try. Try. try....Even now, what am I suppressing? Do I even need to suppress, or should I face it and deal with it, then move on? *sigh* The stake president was right. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised when I realize that prophesies made by a man of God come to pass. I guess that when he said that this year would be hard, I didn't think it would be this kind of hard.

1 Corinthians 13:12

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Outside

How am I to warn you? You barely know me. I'm an outsider. That dog has the eyes of a wolf. You think you love him. Do you really? There, he clasps your hand, not letting you go. Here, he holds you close. Does he love you? Do you wonder the same yourself? I wonder. Is his loyalty self-indulgence? Are his puppy dog looks only used to blind you to the truth of his nature? I fear for you. You were so good. I wanted so badly to get to know you, and to know the precious spirit housed within. Now, what am I to do? Am I to watch him kiss all resistance away? Am I to hear in my head the cliches, how he convinces you how much he needs you, how much he wants to be with you? Do I abandon all hope? I cannot. The tender spirit is still there, and is still precious. I see it in your eyes. But I see it giving itself away. Why? For acceptance? Do you need someone to love you? I don't think you're looking for kisses, for a hand to hold. I think you are giving more of yourself because you just want to ensure that he still gives you that little bit. Simply to have someone. I think I understand the longing, the pull. Still, the more you give, the more he can take away. He has a wolf in his eyes. He's not going to give you what you truly need. He's not going to leave without tearing you apart. Don't be so easily convinced simply because that's what you want, what you need to hear. Please watch out. I wish there was something I could do to make you see, or at least to keep you on your guard. Don't give yourself away. You have so much to give, and he's a wolf for taking it.

Not depressing. I promise.

Only harder can it get;
There's more uphill before the down.
Yet, because now is lighter than then,
Why: instead of rejoicing, I frown?

The body is weak, the spirit too.
The hands hang down and drag.
Though laughter and smiles should habit be,
Complaint within doth nag.

There is an escape, though no ladder here.
'Tis far above my gaze.
Still, with prayer and mighty strength,
My Lord will there me raise.

"Oh help me scale the cold, slick walls,
And let me not despair."
Then glory be, before me see,
With each new word, a stair.

Every step He helps me build;
The finest materials used:
Humility, Obedience, and Faith,
Long-Suffering, Gratitude.

Soon, the door is at my hand;
I kneel upon the planks.
For though I reach it when I stand,
I am closer giving thanks.

-Eliza Woodhouse

Update available

I am so easily pleased...a new version of MSN, iTunes, or anything else I use sends thrills down my spine. Wow. That's pretty pathetic. I guess I mostly love to explore new features, and admire the new, sleek look. Aesthetics are 90% of marketing.

Oh, and I just LOVE Pride and Prejudice. The movies always make me all giggly, and the book is even better. The music on the new one is so good. I ADORE Mr. Bingley. He is just so friendly, humble, and so in love. His quirks make him all the more adorable. Of course, I have no crush at all on the actor, or on the fictional character. I simply note that I think I could find myself as smitten as Jane by someone like him.

Turning Saints into the Sea, and Left-Handed Bowling

This will be hard. Like bowling. What turns saints into that treacherous, inconsistant, spiteful being, the sea? None other than that which has ultimate power when given into: Jealousy. A combination of all that is evil in the world, but packaged in a form that can be slipped into the most clean of draughts of life. What are some of the most important virtues in this life? Love, faith, humility, long-suffering. What are the ingredients to this most vile of poisons? Hate, fear, pride, and impatience, perhaps despair. Exact opposites. When does the adversary have the best opportunity to slip this poison into our systems? When we are most vulnerable: in that condition of human affection. We go to take a large gulp of pure affection and Christ-like love, and find ourselves choking on the potassium chloride of jealousy. If not treated soon, and avoided later, this poison can paralyze us to all healthy relationships, and perhaps even to an emotionally healthy lifestyle. Most certainly it will sicken our spirits and cause the Holy Ghost to cease to strive with us.

Now, to the bowling part. It is going to be very hard for me to completely remove this jealousy from my heart. It is a trick that Satan has used again and again, and it continues to work. I wish I could say it was his last resort, but that would not be true. Anyway, right now, it's all a little like my struggle with bowling. I used to be really good at bowling, but these last few times have been HORRIBLE. I just get gutterballs almost every time! It's really emabarassing, so I've been trying my hardest to figure out what I can do to improve my bowling game. I tried perfecting my curve. It would consistantly curve the opposite way and go in the gutter. I tried removing the curve. Went in the gutter. I tried moving to different locator dots and aiming differently. Gutterball. Hm...so I gave up and bowled left handed. 9 pins. I tried it again; 7 pins. Well, it's not the best, but better than with my right hand. So, lately, I've been searching myself for ways to remove this jealousy. Maybe it's time to give up and get a different perspective. Now, I'm not comparing one's left hand to a heavenly being (sorry Clayzy and Radish) but I think it's time to let Him help me make weak things (the left hand) strong.

How can I see?

In my opinion, the veil not only covers what we knew about our Father, the plan, and our brothers and sisters in the premortal life, but also things we knew about ourselves. Of course, maybe it was hard to see even then. How, then, are we to see these flaws and strengths hidden far within us?

Trials. Trials are the names of the game. Trials bring out both the bad and the good in us, which helps us to learn if we allow ourselves to recognize and to learn and grow from these discoveries. In finding a strength, we can hone and improve that quality, that gift, and use it more often to help us through other trials. Likewise, when we recognize a fault, or weakness, we are then able to work that fault out of our lives, or to make that weakness strong.

This growth, of course, comes through our dependence upon the Savior and His Atonement. Only through Him can salvation come unto the children of man, and only through Him can weakness be made strong, and sins be made clean.

So, not only do trials test us, and remind us of our dependence upon Him, but they also provide the perfect environment for us to recognize things in us that we may not have recognized otherwise. Thank goodness for the plan.

Spiritual Renewal

Wow. Today was amazing. Stake/Regional conference was AMAZING. President Monson had so much to say, and I just left feeling like I could tackle the world and all its temptations. I had heard for the first time a few days ago that playing cards were specifically counseled against by general authorities. I decided to find out for myself, and sure enough, President Kimball said that "We hope faithful Latter-day Saints will not use the playing cards which are used for gambling, either with or without the gambling." Ouch. I collect playing cards. My whole family has begun to follow after, and we have several stacks in our house. Family Reunions are centered around card games using face cards. My childhood was filled with learning and playing these games. Well, with every desire to be a faithful Latter-Day Saint and to follow the prophet, I did something which was very hard for me. I ripped up and threw away all my playing cards. I kept certain cards to represent the decks with the most sentimental value (those given to me by friends, and the ones from Canada) but the fewness of number removes any temptation or possibility of playing a game with those cards. (I only kept one or two from certain decks) Soon, my brothers and sisters followed my example, and we filled an entire trashcan with the ripped up face cards (and still have more to dig out and throw away.) It probably reveals a lot of bad in me to say how difficult it was to throw them away, but already, I feel the confirmation of the Holy Ghost that I'm on the right path. But I still have a LONG way to go. I hope this doesn't sound boastful, because I'm not trying to tell you all how good I was. I'm not telling you "everyone who wants to be my friend has to get rid of their playing cards." No. I just wanted you all to know how good it feels. I just wanted to express gratitude for the friend who told me what the prophet said in a loving way, and not in a "you are a sinner for playing with those" way. I wanted to thank you all for setting the example, and helping me to stay on the path. For steadying my steps, for lifting my hands when they hang down. Thanks.

It finally happened.

Steve Irwin, filming one of his famous, dangerous wildlife shows, was killed by a stingray. The poisonous barb punctured his heart, and he was dead before paramedics could arrive. I suppose that this shouldn't surprise me as much as it does; he was known for tackling crocs, picking up deadly snakes, spiders, etc. Still, it crushes a piece of my childhood. The unkillable man. I always thought he would end up dying of something normal like cancer, heart disease, a car crash. That's usually what happens to amazing people. But he dying while doing what everyone said would kill him. I guess it's less that he was unkillable, but more that the world was right. It's dangerous, and no matter how good you are, no matter how careful, things happen. Something happened. I wonder what his wife feels. "I told him so?" No. Maybe she feels about the same as if he had died of cancer, or a heart disease. But he was doing what he loved to do. So in a way, it was an incurable disease. Because who wants to stop someone from fulfilling their dreams?

Sittin in the tree...K I S S I N G

Someone once said, "I wanted to be kissed more than I wanted to breathe." Now, I'm DEFINATELY not that far gone, but I do wonder sometimes...What's the big deal, and how did that come to be?

The first documented kissing (as we know it) was found from 1500 BC in India. Alexander the Great and his army, while attempting world domination, discovered this practice, and spread it wherever they went (All over the Middle East, and then to the Romans who spread it all over Europe).

Looking at the kisses of other cultures, and what they mean, prehaps we can better understand. Eskimos engage in what is referred to as "nose kissing". This sounds absolutely abhorrent, but really, I think it's rather romantic. In their culture, it is believed that breath is a part of the soul. So, to symbolise the intermingling/giving of souls, they bring their faces together, kinda cheek-to-cheek, and breathe. Breathing (Keep in mind that anything so unique as kissing, when boiled down and described in words, is never as good as the real thing)

Just a sec, I have to go watch the sunrise.
Ok. I'm back.

Breathing in just a part of one's soul, and giving to them your own. This, as much as anything, is a symbol of a spiritual union, a promise and a confession. Without any vulgar implications, or opportunites for desecration. Lucky. India has changed a lot since their invention of the kiss; there is now a fine or even a jail penalty for PDA in that country as well as in Malaysia and Pakistan. Indonesia is trying to pass a law to giving PDA a 10 year jail penalty. Indians, instead of "nose kissing," bring their mouths near each other for much of the same symbolism. I don't like this quite so much, mouth breath isn't my favorite thing. Still, same idea. In Japan, kissing is the same, but made mostly private. Kissing in movies is not considered a "virtous custom". Some Africans believe that the mouth is a portal to the soul, so they don't allow anyone to kiss them for fear of having their soul stolen.

So, what does this mean, then? Is this totally a sociocultural thing? Does it mean nothing without the cultural interpretation? Or is there something else at work here?

Biologically, kissing releases endorphins and acts on nerve endings which are more sensative than most others because they are wired directly to the brain. Unfortunately, an average of 278 colonies of bacteria are exchanged in every kiss. However, although hard to believe, the good points may outweigh the bad. Kissing prevents tooth decay and plaque (but don't ask me how, I don't wanna tell you). It also reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and boosts the immune system by increasing oxytocin levels in the body. By working 34 muscles of the face, kissing slows the aging process and burns 4 to 6 calories a minute (compared to 11 on the treamill).

So, to the US culture? Kissing is about as ingrained in us as breathing. When asked whether they would give up kissing or something more involved, an overwhelming 63% would keep kissing, and 16% said it was too hard to decide. Men who kiss their wives before leaving for work generally has a higher income than he who does not. The average woman will kiss 79, count them, 79 guys before marriage. 92% of teenagers are not VL. Yay for the 8%. I hope to be among your ranks for a while. Still...it's kind of an exciting thing to look forward to...ha.

Brown.

Do you ever wish you could express a thousand feelings with one word? Like a million songs going on at once, and you want to condense it all into one sound? So many colors, opinions, ideas, theories and plans, I haven't the time to even explain them all mentally to myself. So, as if I were to throw a billion shades of paint onto the canvas....BROWN. Swirly Brown. Wow.

Will you find me when we leave Neverland?

LDS teens have it the best, but the most confusing. "These feelings are good. Now don't act on them." ok...Pretend they don't exist? No. Ok, then maybe tell the other person? No! Hm...then I should just hope they like me too. Heck no, what good does that do you until he goes on a mission? I don't know. I just thought....No. Oh. Sorry. It's just that this sounds like the perfect setup for nervous breakdown to me.

There comes a time...

When you have to say goodbye. When you have to face those long-forgotten pasts. When you have to face the upcoming future. When you have to sit down and wonder: "What the heck am I going to do with my life!?" When you have to deal with the horrible reality that what means the whole world to you now could mean very little in the near future. When you have to ask yourself how you know what you do, and if you could know more just by a little observation. When life seems a little out of reach, and the slippery slope of panic starts to set in. When you dig in with all the strength you have left, and start the climb up with renewed will and purpose. When you falter, still wondering if you can make it, if your struggle is worth it. When you remember the reason. When you remember the moments when you had no doubt about your struggle. When you recall the feelings of assurance, of accomplishment, of strength and desire for victory. Victory over the enemy. Victory over doubt.

Band of Brothers and Sisters

Band camp. 85 people sweating, playing, marching, eating, and drinking water together. We fall as a team, but most of all, we grow as one. We are a family more than any other organization I have ever been a part of. Fights are rare and short lived. We've spent over 26 hours together this week alone. If I don't love these people by now, there's something wrong with me. We laugh, we get tears in our eyes at the music we create together. Hugs are not uncommon; smiles are a given. I love my family and friends, of course, but Marching Band is different. There's a special thing there that is unique from all other bonds in my life. Here are people that I've given so much for. I haven't had the opportunity to sacrifice this much for anyone else. True sacrifice creates or increases love. Love increases the will to sacrifice. Sometimes I just want to break down and tell everyone how much they mean to me. We work daily to be perfect. And we are getting there. We have a ways to go, but you can feel the excitement in the air. I just have one regret about Marching Band. I wish I had an opportunity to get this close to more of my friends.

Are you there?

I struggled my whole life to find you,
And though I've found many more,
You were the first lights in my darkness,
The first time my heart could soar.

You were the singers of my favorite song,
The heroes for whom I prayed,
I had many sparks of hope before you,
But you were the first to stay.

You fought for my soul
You helped me win it
Pointed me towards the Path
And by example helped me begin it.

Where are you now?
Now that I've learned to be strong?
Where are my heroes?
Who will sing my favorite song?

I can now walk on my own,
But a lonely road is dark.
My confidence would be shaken,
And disappointment stark.

The future's looking bright,
And my pathway seeming sure,
But if you are not there beside me,
How will I my sorrow cure?

I suppose the only thing to do
Is to try to keep us strong,
While accepting the bleakest odds,
Which may come true before too long.

Still, this I hope to tell you now,
While a message I still may send,
Because you led me to the Son,
You will always be my friend.

-Eliza Woodhouse

I miss you all.

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
- Lynda Barry

Beautiful

So much noise.
So much peace destroyed.
I can hardly hear the voice leading me through the void.

So much noise.
The world's little lies:
Destruction in disguise,
Opportunities to compromise,
To make me beautiful in their eyes.

But I'm not gonna buy
The world's little lies.

'Cause I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His devine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within
I want to be beautiful to Him.

He's given me his trust,
So I'll be strong enough.
To run from the dangerous touch,
I don't need that kind of love.
I don't need that crutch.
He's given me His trust.

I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His devine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within
I want to be beautiful to Him.

I know how to shine,
My life's not really mine.
It's not about a worldly climb,
It's all about His design,
So in his eyes, I wanna shine.

I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His devine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from withinI want to be beautiful to Him.
I wanna live to have His peace,
And feel the warm release He sees.
It comes from within,
I wanna be beautiful,

To Him.

-Rachel Thibodeau

(hehe I didn't notice how many dumb rhymes there were before...oh well, it's still a good song.)

My new favorite words:

innocuous: harmless; also, unlikely to offend or provoke.
imbroglio: a complicated and embarrassing state of things.
quandary: a state of difficulty or perplexity

The Wind Dance

Gusts the size of cannonballs, strength of trees tested. Bare feet and hair let loose. The wind is mighty, and roars its dominion. But I laugh. There is no one else upon that field of grass. Only me and the bipolar phenomenon of nature. This morning, that wind caressed my cheek, softened the heat. Now, it yells and pushes. Still, I laugh. For though he pushes me softly and pretends to wish me harm, this wind will be quiet again, will be loving again. We will be friends again. But for now, I dance.

Some new stuff

WOW. This summer is really going to be a landmark thing for me. I have made so many new friends. These are people who have high standards, good senses of humor, and actually are ok with putting up with me! It's tons of fun to talk to them, and we have tons of hilarious inside jokes. We're going to do pilates every weekday morning, and it's all going to be awesome. I have friends in my stake, Seminary council, marching band, and my awesome old friends of Junior High. More importantly, I have a new independence. I am less dependent upon others to make me happy, although I am gaining more friends who do make me extremely happy. I can be happy on my own, and I can be happy with my friends. I won't be sad when my friends aren't with me, but I will be especially glad when I can be with them. I hope this is all making sense...Anyway, I am not dependent upon one person for all my happiness, or all my unhappiness. The more I am ok with being on my own, I think it will be more likely for people to want to spend time with me. As long as I don't go antisocial or indifferent, anyway. Still, I don't think it's possible for me to be indifferent or antisocial.

Growing

I just got home from Trek, but I didn't learn as much about the pioneers as I thought I would. I spent 4 days pulling a handcart UP A MOUNTAIN ending at a grand 9000 ft. in elevation (by Scofield) wearing a dress with too many layers, but I wasn't as physically drained as I thought I would be. We didn't spend as much time as girls' camp with the spiritual aspect of everything, but I was more touched and stirred by the spirit than I thought I would be. I didn't get homesick, I didn't get blisters, I didn't sprain anything or get heat exhaustion, but there were times that were harder than many things I have faced in a long time. And I grew SO much. Here are some things I learned.

I love the priesthood.
The men of my family were so kind, pulling more than their share just so that Little Carrot and I would not have to do quite as much. They helped carry my bucket, helped set up our shelter every night, and helped us not to give up. At the top of Heartbreak Hill (explained later) there were several priesthood blessings given, and the contrast of feelings before and after those blessings was tremendous. Throughout the whole experience, I felt the power of the priesthood over our camp, and I saw the magnificence in the men and boys who respected that authority. I saw strong teenage boys weeping in behalf of the girls. It was one of the most mature, strong, compassionate things I have ever seen. I certainly do not think them less tough for it (probably even more so, I think). I need the priesthood in my life. I am so greatful I have friends who hold it.

I need to feel more.
I am feeling more and more that I am feeling less and less. I do not believe that one can get used to the spirit, and that a dulling in the influence and power that the spirit has upon one is definately not a good thing. I need to be more sincere and pleading in my prayers. I need to search for the truth in ways that I have not before. I need to write more meaningfully in my journal. I need to open myself up to the spirit, and not be afraid to cry. People may think me a fool, but I am sure that the Lord will not. I cannot allow myself to let go of the Iron Rod, thinking I know which way the path leads.

I can be weak, and should be humble.
They had a Rocky Ridge. With no exaggeration, this hill was a half mile long at a 40 degree angle. I pushed the handcart the best I could. We were not one of the first handcarts. Near the end, I felt that my pushing was becoming less effective as a result of my fatigue. Then, when we were at our slowest, people from the previous handcarts ran down and helped. I felt weak. We made it to the end. After resting, I ran down to help the other handcarts. My pushing again was, in my perspective, ineffective. I did my best, but I felt so pathetic in not being able to really help those other handcarts up the mountain. At one hill, lovingly called "Heartbreak Hill" they took the men, boys, and adult women away from us. The young women had to pull the cart up by themselves. On flat ground, there is nothing easier. On a steep incline, the task was a burden. I looked at the ground we were to pull the 300 lb. handcart over. The sandy soil would be a nightmare, and the huge rocks dispersed around the trail looked to be more than I could bear. As the men and boys walked up that hill, I sat down and I cried. The carts before us with five or six girls each were struggling, and my cart only had three girls to push it. I was scared.

I can be strong, and should be confident in the Lord.
At Rocky Ridge, after "helping" that other handcart up, I was drained, and I knew that I would only be a burden to any handcarts I attempted to help after that. So I decided to sing. With three other girls, I sang to tired handcart pushers as they neared the end of the pull. Their faces were filled with a gratitude for our sometimes rather poor singing that I will never forget. I still felt bad that I could not physically help these people, but I was grateful for the chance to lift their spirits. Heartbreak Hill was hard. As I had suspected, the wheels spun uselessly in the sand at times, and the rocks stopped the handcart in its tracks several times. But in my determination, I pulled the handcart with all of my strength, and our three did better than many people's seven. The boys joined us halfway up the hill, and we could see tears in their eyes as they watched us pulling it alone. Those boys pushed as hard as they could, and were a great relief, but many admitted that they were tired after about 30 feet (and were amazed at how far we had made it alone). Then, 3/4 of the way, our adult leaders joined us. By this time, I was tired, but I refused to be a burden. I pulled that cart, despite an asthma attack, and even though at times my eyes blacked out, and I wasn't sure how much farther I could push. We made it to the top, all of us heaving, all of us closer than ever. Some passed out. Some suffered heat exhaustion. Many did not pull the whole hill. I made it. I suffered, and was not as strong as I thought I might have been, but I made it the whole way, and even pushed the cart afterwards. The boys offered to give me a ride, but I'm pretty sure they weren't totally serious anyway.

I have a weakness for young, strong, single, Russian, good-looking, recent converts.

Co-section-leading

Marching band is going much better, the rookies are really coming along in their technique. That one, however, is still not the most...agreeable...but he's getting better, and hopefully will continue to be better as the rest of the section improves in the following commands area. THomatoe and I are officially co-section-leaders. Which will be really cool. I think we both have a pretty good balance, and we can let eachother know if we're pushing them too hard, or not hard enough. I can try to be the hard one, and he can be the more relaxed one. Or maybe we'll both try to have the same level of discipline. I dunno.

For you.

Never again.
I've seen my mistakes:
Risks I'll never take,
As long as I want to stay sane.

Never again.
Turn away from the past,
Let this will power last,
And not be as normal in vain.

Never again.
I will be who I am,
Not the lovestruck lamb
Who cries till her cheeks are all stained.

Never again.
Take the languor away,
And do what he may,
My detachment will be plain,

For never again
Will I give up
The confidence built up
At times I was free,
And left to be me!
I'll fight every feeling,
Ne'er be sent wheeling
For some blue-eyed grafter,
Or cold-hearted shafter
Who leaves in a hurry
When things come out blurry,
And gives every reason
For disinterested treason
He can beg and protest
With all of the best
Or lie down at State Street and Main,

But I will not be moved,
And I think I have proved
That to me he's now just a bane,
And can say to my once worthy swain:

"Never again!"

haha it kinda sounds like a song from a musical...maybe lengthened...Anyway, I think that explains a lot. It's not meant to be depressing, really. And for me it's not. Never again! I am an independent daughter of God, and I don't need to let myself be pained out of some faux nobility. I've been stupid and naive, and I need to grow up. So I'm growing up. Trying to lose some melodrama. My life is not some novel, so I need to stop trying to put myself through the classic cycle of aggrivation to get to the happy ending. so HA HA HA I'm doing just what I'll bet you've been wanting for a while, but only because I want to! I can only say this: I know with a surety that you will, and probably do regret much of what you've done. All of it could be justified, but I would like to say that I really think you could have handled it better. And in all honesty, I've done a lot of stupid things myself. We're old enough not to act like that. So there. You probably won't even read this, but just in case: I'm sorry for my part. I forgive you for your part. But I'm not in any state of mind, nor will be for a while, to have much to do with you at all.

Once upon a summer's eve

My brother Cashew and I played tennis tonight. It's fun. I always win, which makes it not as fun as it would be if otherwise. We had a sectional this morning. The rookies planned it. Weird. Well, it's good that they're so dedicated. Summer seminary was good. Soccerball, Seaweed, and a couple others taught. Seaweed asked me to give a thought, but there was never time. Overall, I felt kinda worthless because I didn't even help with the ice cream...oh well. Next week I'll be better. I hope I don't squander this ephemeron of bliss on feeling worthless. I need to go do more things. I need to get more things done. Cool.

Summer steals my thunder

Today was a pretty productive day. I went to Marching Band, where I actually got some things done in my section, and memorized most of the music. I came home, got some lunch, and then went to Jazz Band. That wasn't totally productive, but at least I found out what we were playing. I came home, practiced piano, and then got some Kingdom Hearts done (ha). I did my laundry, wrote a bit, and learned a song on the guitar. I still need to write a few more songs...*sigh* the composer's work is never done...hehe. I'm feeling a bit isolated and most days I don't accomplish much at all. I know I could definately do more, even on days like today. Still, I guess the only cure for that is to work harder at working hard. And writing and composing come in spurts as long as I think about it often enough. So some days are bound to be unproductive in that area. Well, gotta go do something of worth.

Hm.

WHY AM I STILL AWAKE!? I'm longing for things I don't want. I'm trying to do stuff I don't really want to do. I just seem to want to be depressed. Well I won't be. Ha. I don't need you. No more depression. I need to forget! Need to forget and to focus on what needs to be done. So I guess that's what I'm going to do. Someday I'm going to sound intelligent and in control of my emotions. That day is not today.

In memory of the deceased

I barely knew you. You were sweet, but never quite knew what you wanted. Therefore, you never got it. You were never brave enough. You were never strong enough to incite action from me. You held on long after I thought you would. After all, how can two of you live in the same heart? One must die. I'm kinda glad you were the one. The other was stronger. The other is deeper, less selfish. I'm sorry you had to die so young, with so little to show for it. Those that are born as a fire burn out as the same. Still, I mourn your passing. I mourn what you might have done. Nevertheless...only one can persist in a virtuous heart.

My ethnicity

I'm creating my race. American society has decided that I have no race worthy of recognition. But I do. I've been getting kinda tired of being just...white caucasian. I have a heritage; I have an ancestry. I am not from here. I am not Native American, although they are socially allowed to celebrate and be recognized for their background more than I. I am worthy of something other than a label. Yes, I'm white. Yes, I'm caucasian, or however you spell that. I don't even know what that means. But as others are African American, I am Danish Scottish Italian Welsch American. I am Yongan.

I have a passion for life. I want to do everything, and go everywhere, and to jump at any notice, and be able to just go do something crazy! Unfortunately, there is always something I should be doing. Oh well. There is still some time for crazy. I've just got to be more careful, and to not plan quite so much stuff. WEE SUMMMER. Emphasis on the MMMMMM for yummy

A snippet of what goes on in my head.

There's a cricket outside. That cricket has at least 10 friends, and they are all cricking their happy cricks together. I have every reason to be happy, and 90% of the time, I am. I have a great family, great friends, the gospel, a house, clothes, and even a few things that I never use. I have a smile, a laugh, and eyes that see the world the way it is, and sometimes the way it should be. I have permission to use the car more than I should. I have a brain that thinks about the world around me. I have agency to choose whether or not I will use my resources and privelages wisely, or scramble for more. I don't understand. I'm only 17. These symptoms sound too much like something else, but I'm only 17! I want to run around, be a kid for at least a little while longer. I want to be frivelous, flighty, flirty, and fickle. I want to focus on my friends when they need it. I want to be the person who helps people, not one who needs help! I want to be the person people can look up to, a person worth while. I don't want to be sad, not even 10% of the time. I'll go for 4%, I suppose, because without sadness, we don't learn the meaning of happy. I don't know why! I don't know why! I'm only 17! I was only 15! I'm still just a little girl in a big mean world, and I don't know why these emotions keep seeping in, because I'm still just a kid! I'm not sad. I'm just a tad confused. Maybe even scared. Yes. I think that's it. I'm not sad, I'm only scared. I'm scared for graduation. The seniors I've grown to love. They'll be gone. I'm scared for my own graduation. I'm scared for when all my friends get married, and what if...what if I don't? Who will I be, and what will I do, and how will I deal with that? How would I deal with the fact that everyone found someone that loved them, but me? And majoring in music is really scary. It's gigantically impractical for a girl who can't even get a date to the prom. I was going to be an architect. That was safe. This is not; this is scary; this is total dreamer material in the world's eyes. Still, deep down, it feels right. It just feels right, and I just have to take a leap of faith. The steps in the darkness are scary. I hope the light turns on real soon. Because there's a cricket outside and I'm happy 90% of the time.

Somewhere

I love how everything works out. Mostly. Sometimes everything goes horribly wrong, and you fall flat on your face and wonder why you were born, but other times you remember just why you keep loving life. I go back and forth from sure to unsure, longing to indifferent...it's crazy stuff. Finals start tomorrow. I wonder when life starts to get really hard. Do you ever wish you could find somewhere where you could just lie down and no one could see you but the sun, and no one would talk to you except yourself? Where you could just think what you need to think, and be who you need to be. Somewhere under a tree, somewhere warm, soft, safe. Somewhere with no weeds. Somewhere quiet, but not silent. Where the love songs of a hundred years wisk over your skin, penetrate the heart. Where no one will care what you look like, especially not yourself. Somewhere to smile with all substance, to laugh with utmost love, to cry with the deepest sympathy and understanding. I like my room for this reason. All it needs is a tree.

A day for lillies

Today was pretty cool. I went to school late, because I had stuff I needed to finish. Mr. CAD is dumping a bucketload of work on us for the last 2 days. It's craziness. Mr. Wealthy and I had a heated discussion about suicide. I'm not sure if he actually believes what he was saying or just wants us to think. I desperately hope it was the latter. Jazz band was ok. We had to record What Is Hip for the third time, and my solo was the worst time out of the three recordings. Well, Murphey's law, I guess. I LOVE my seminary class. Bro. Shiver's teaching style is just right for me, and the class is awesome. We ask questions, get involved, put in insights, it's so great! I love it every single time. I'm really sad to be leaving it. Hopefully I can help my next seminary class be like that. I watched the Lost season finale. HOLY CRUMOLEOS! I can't even talk about it. Just can't. No. I cannot believe how soon the school year is ending. It's so crazy. I love things lately. I've been doing a TON more spiritual stuff lately, and I feel a HUGE difference. I love everything! Everything gets me excited. I LOVE IT! So, I'm going to continue. Because it works. I bear you my testimony of that.

For a certain Radish I know

Today was a GREAT day. I walked to school really early, and the sky was gorgeous, and everything smelled so good, Robins and little seed things flying all around me, I could've cried it was so beautiful. I helped Mr. Bandman with the uniform inventory: my first task as a Band President. We went outside for APES, which was great. I said hi to Mr. Radish (If he was younger and single, Radish, I think I would fall in love with your dad, lol). I talked to Pear, who gave me some much needed advice. And we're doing Les Mis next year! Can you say dream come true? I AM SO EXCITED! It's really going to be sad having all those seniors graduating...I've gotten REALLY close to several of them. I'm still going to see one of those, though. That'll be happy. BIG PARTY! JUNE 9TH! SUMMER SEMINARY! This summer is going to be FANTASTIC! NO! June 9th is Girls' Camp. Moment of silence for a great night lost. Girl's Camp will be awesome, though. French was good, even though I had to recite my poem on the spot, no props. It went pretty well, and Madame P was laughing pretty hard. Bro. Shiver says it's one of my gifts of the spirit to make people laugh. But I have to use it appropriately. Band was pretty fun. I like the flugel horn. Pomp and Circumstance is going to be annoying and a chop buster, but I'll be too caught up in the whole gradutation thing to notice. Calculus. I love that class, now. So many cool people are in there, and we only do 10 problems a day, and Corn is the only one who makes fun of me anymore (and him only because he's teasing). I stayed after school with Violin while she waited for her Tech Rehearsal. I didn't want her to wait alone. That's the worst. So it was fun talking to her. I'm having slightly more trouble talking to people lately. I need to boost my social skills somehow :D After school, we filmed part of "THE MOVIE". It was great. Then Naisin kicked my face again a few times. No blood this time :D Then I remembered the homework. Oh yeah, I still have some, hehe. Well, this felt really good. It's much closer to the proportion of sad/happy that I usually think/feel. And, ya know, this is how I used to blog all the time. I'm taking back my blog, weeoo.

Not an analysis

To Whom it May Concern,

I'm really mad at you right now. I cannot believe that you could be such a great person and then take people's feelings so much for granted. I cried. She was hurt. At least for her sake - you could have done something at least for her sake. But neither of you did. Though your offenses were slightly different, both were an equal slap to the face, twists of the knife. I can't believe it. Why? You act like perfect gentlemen, but then your words and actions change when it matters most, and you make two young women feel like dirt. If both of you would have just opened your eyes and done something, we both could have been saved a lot of hurting. And you two would have had a great time. But no. We feel like dirt. And it's going to bug me for quite a while. It's going to nag at me, because I simply don't understand why. She and I did everything we could, but because two guys decided that they didn't really care, they'd go and leave us wondering. Why? I don't understand! How can you just do that to someone? Murdering in cold blood their hopes, and even most of their self-esteem. Maybe she doesn't feel so bad about it, but this was something I was relying upon. You two were people I was relying upon. Apperantly, I'm just not the kind of person...never mind. I wish I understood. I don't like being angry.

The Orange

An Analysis

School. Why is it so hard to stay focused?

Well, for me, there are several reasons. The first being that I'm not very good at sticking to things. I'm great at sticking to people, but hobbies...that's a different story. So, when school seems like a hobby, I get tired of it, and slack off. When it seems like a chore, I just put it off until it is difficult to do.

I find it very difficult to do things that don't interest me. Classes that are boring get a lower grade than classes that challenge me, and teach me something.

Who am I doing it for? Myself. Why go through so long doing something I don't like, simply for myself? Couldn't I be serving someone somewhere? Yes, by being educated, I will be in a better position to help people, but...the whole grade system seems stupid. Way to follow the system! Way to suck up to the teacher! Not, good job at applying what you learned to yourself. Not, good job applying what you learned to the world. Not, way to learn from me, even though you learned something slightly different than the words I spoke. Nope. It's good job for being original like everyone else. Way to do things when and how everyone else did. Because it's easier to grade. Because it's easier to rate which children will succeed, and which will think they are failures because they have such a hard time understanding the public education system.

Dish-Doing - An Analysis

I am taking a break from the dishes. It is 1:03 in the morning, and I am taking a break from the dishes. I studied for 3 hours, then went to the dishes to which I have faithfully applied myself for over an hour. And I am only half-way done. Why?

Why am I doing the dishes? I had a moment of recklessness. Some person's Mustang was parked too close to my driveway, when it should have been parked across and down the street. I was in a hurry, and had a moment of recklessness, but you couldn't tell by looking at the outside of the car. NOT A SCRATCH. We found out the owner of this Mustang had a history of car accidents. Many members of his family had quite a history of recklessness or accidents that were "out of their hands." Later, he bills us $872 for "internal damage." Like the good Christian people we are, we accepted the bill without arguement. But not without doubt. I think people should find better places to park their cars. At least he no longer parks it in front of our driveway. He's found someone else to blame "internal damage" on.

But I digress. (wow, that is so cliche it's funny) My parents looked at the bill, and decided it was my fault. Like the good daughter I am, I said, "yes it is my fault, I'm so sorry, I'll be careful for the rest of my life!" I then shrunk into my chair, and awaited the sentence of the judges. Like the good parents they are, they decided punishment was prudent. I should have been grounded from my car. But my mom was too lazy to drive me anywhere. I should have been grounded from my friends, TV, computer, PS2. But my mom didn't like the thought of having me around the house all day. So I got to do the dishes. For the rest of my existance in this house, I get to do the dishes at least 4 days a week. No other child has had a steady dish-doing job, but everytime my mom gets tired, she says "Noelle, go do the dishes." At 11:30 most of the time. When I'm doing my homework.

Why does it take me so long? Well, we have eight people to feed in our house. We have kids that leave frosting messes all over the counter. They paint the kitchen with watercolors, and then it's my job to clean it up. My parents leave dishes from the nights it's not my job "to soak", but then they "soak" just long enough that it's dried and caked on again. "Woops!" they say. It's my problem now. It's also my problem that my mom was too tired to do them the night before, so I've got a double load. It's my problem that my mom uses extra dishes for dinner. It's my problem that the dishes don't all fit in the dishwasher, so I have to wash the rest. It's my problem that we have leftovers that I need to put away. It's my problem that the kids like to dump whole sandwiches into the sink, and watch the soggy bread get all over my hands. It's my problem that my mom likes to put disposal stuff in the wrong sink, so I have to transfer it over to the other sink. But why should she care? It's my problem. Apparently.

It also takes me a long time because I usually try to do a good job. This entails spending 2 hours just trying to fix the absolute catastrophe my mom caused in the cupboard the last time she did the dishes. I don't know how she manages it. Doing the laundry, cooking dinner, (which are pretty much the only household jobs I have ever seen her do) and making the dishes harder for me! Someday I hope to be as good at housework as my mother.

I really do love my mother. Maybe I can blame it all on a chronic illness that I can pretend she has so that I actually want to help more often. Because I have an AP test tomorrow. And my mom had better darn well need the help I'm giving, because it is now 1:22 am and I still have to do the dishes.

I've decided it's impossible to follow my string of thought

Wow. This week. I've done way more social stuff than I'm used to, and more than I prolly shoudl have, but...I loved it. Every moment. And I milked it for all it was worth. Now? I've got to pay the price for that time. I've got to make up for that lost studying and sleep. *sigh* Why must there always be consequences? And yet...I know why. Nothing would ever be learned, ever be done. hehe Today was a great day. Fantabulous day. I'm doing such a good job! I show just enough to encourage, but not enough to scare away! And I've been understanding, funny (sometimes), and inviting. I can't be this way all the time, but I've been doing pretty darn well when it's counted lately. Hopefully I can keep it up. Because that smile is the only thing motivating me right now. Wow, that's kinda pathetic. But no, what else could get me to do the whole school dealio? I can't wait to be a mom. And yet, I'm so dang scared. So...gosh, I hope I'm not being too vain about this week...prolly am. Still, I've done almost everything right! It's so exciting! WEE! hehe

Talking to Pickle taught me a lot. By listening to his inverse opinions, I learned a lot about myself and my situation. I actually like where I am right now! Every once in a while it really actually su@$s (hehe "swearing") but on the whole...he makes me happy. He doesn't have to ask me on a date once a week, he doesn't even have to hold my hand. In fact, why would I want him to? Ok, it'd be a totally YAY moment, but then what? It would continue on from there, or it would just fizzle. And I really don't think I'm suited for, or ever would consider a relationship in high school. It messes things up. Right now, I can flirt with everyone. Sure I don't have a date for Prom, but who cares? Ok, so I do a little, right now. But in 10 years...will that even matter? Heck no. And will it matter that I didn't ruin my relationship with him? yes. I will have saved our relationship by not having a "relationship". Wow...doesn't really make sense, but it does. *sigh* he's so adorable.

Si tu m'aime...

Je ne le comprend pas. Je pense qu'il est fou. Il dit qu'il ne m'aime jamais, mais il fait toujours les choses qui me montre qu'il m'aime beaucoup. C'EST TRES DIFFICILE! GAH! oh well. Why even bother trying to understand?

Freedom - An Analysis

THIS IS AN ANALYSIS

I am free from school for nine days. I am free from homework for none. I am to be free from parents for five days. I am to be free from supervision for none. I am free from oppression and free from generalized discrimination. I am not free to do whatever I want. I am not free from annoyances, from trials, from crime. I am free to spend my money how I want. I am free to receive a fair amount of money for my work. I am free to take the opportunity of a public education. I am not free to let that opportunity pass. I am free to learn what and how teachers and the state think fit. I am not free to learn what how and I want. Many of these restrictions are for the better...but some of them should be changed for good. So in comparison to many places and many people, I am free. But am I free? If I make myself free. If I take the restrictions with the freedoms, and if I take advantage of my opportunities to change the world around me. If I actually am a part of my world, and I work toward what I want. I can make myself free from the manipulation of the media, from the addiction of society. I am free...sort of.

Understanding would be good

I hope one day I understand. I hope one day I will know why he loves me one day and hates me the next. I hope someday I understand why I could never let go, even when he was dragging me through broken glass. Sometime I want to understand why we both have to be so stubborn, and pretend we weren't looking. I'm going to comprehend his coldness. I'm going to have empathy for his silence. I'm going to know why he is so good, and yet cannot be a friend. Why can he sit there and cooly let me tell him how much I want to be his friend, and how I want to understand, and I want to help, but I don't know how. And then he says "That can't be any fun." Vague answers full of apathy! That's all I receive for my hours of help, my years of dedicated friendship. Whether he's afraid, resentful, or merely oblivious, I want to be able to be there for him. Still, how can I be there for someone I can't get a hold of? I am probably so vain for thinking how much I deserve from him, and how much he's robbed me of. He talks so often of basic courtesy, being kind to others, but what does he do to me?! He ignores my frequent pleas for friendship. He ignores all communication. Then once, we have a conversation like the old days. Then he goes back to ignoring me! And then, once confronted, "I must have meant you were a new experience." or "That can't be any fun." and then that's the end of it. No friendly discussion, no heart to hearts. Suppose she is right. Perhaps no good deed goes unpunished.

When the day has finally closed,
And so have my weary eyes,
I dream of music not yet composed,
Of villians I don't yet dispise.

Yet most of all through the dark peaceful hours,
I toss and I turn,
I wish and I yearn,
And all senses burn
For that beauty that once had been ours.

True, one can never relive the past.
All that, I know, is gone.
But hope for the future simply can't last
When our dream died at its dawn.

-Eliza Woodhouse

COOL! WOO! BAND TOUR! It's going to be so fun. I'm so excited. Except. Except. and Except. Ok, other than those, it's going to be the best ever! Wee! Oh well, he won't have(much of) a chance to get to me! I won't let him! ha! I'll show him...ha. lol Oh well. Good friends, good times, good food, good games. I hope. If I can just build a big enough wall...

My Nightmare about Prom

Ok, most people have already heard this, but I had a dream several nights ago...a very bad dream...a nightmare, in fact...hehe. Well, most people got asked to Prom, all except a small bunch of people no one expected to get asked anyway (15 year olds, people who hate boys, me, etc.) So, to reitorate, I did not get asked. I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing, but...I decided I wasn't going to let it ruin my life, so I decided to be happy. Until the assembly. They threw an assembly to honor the girls who had been asked to Prom. So they did a bio and a big musical number about the girls who had been asked. But, before the climax, they dragged me onto the stage, sat me on a chair, and made me hold a sign that said "Don't let this happen to you." Then they talked again about how wonderful all those girls were, and then they said, "And what's better, they're not anything like that! (and then all the girls who had been asked simulatneously pointed their fingers at me so the audience could see who they were talking about) She didn't even get asked!" And everyone giggled behind their hands. I held up very well, I think. I only teared up. Until it was over, and then I was allowed to cry. I think most people would.

In Preparation for Prom

THIS IS AN ANALYSIS

I thought it might be funny, so one day I said "Only 32 asking days until prom!" Immediately, at least 3 girls were glaring at me, and one said "Don't you even say that." I apologized profusely, not wanting to be considered a wag. Wow, I did NOT expect to get my head bitten off for a simple comment (especially one meant to be humorous). Why does Prom have such a big impact on people, especially girls?

Prom is fun. Ideally, you get asked by a good friend, or that guy you've had your eye on for a while. Then, you have plenty of time to go shopping around for your dress, shoes, and anything else you stand in need of. The night is beautiful, with dancing, friends, everyone is happy for everyone else despite usual animosity. The boys are gentlemen, all the girls look pretty. And if you put enough into it, you will too. Sometimes it works out better than others, with the time crunch, but either way, you look better than you do at school. Sweet. Why would this have a negative affect?

Obviously, the better the event, the more desire to go! And can a girl go anytime she wants? No! It happens once a year. No! The boys do the asking (unless you're going for the reform). And no one goes stag to Prom. That's just not Kosher. So, anyway, there is a bunch of stress. "Will he ask me?" "Will she say yes?" "WILL ANYONE ASK ME!?" And the closer Prom gets, the less of a chance there is to be asked.

Not only is Prom fun, but it is a way to determine the individual success of a female. Now, it is not recommended to do so, but it happens. "Wow, I didn't get asked. My guy friends must like some other girl more than me. I must not have something the girls that got asked do. What are the possibilities? Too bad I have a major crush on that guy who asked someone else. She must be prettier. Heaven knows she's thinner. She must be smarter, too. She must but more of what people want. I must be someone no one likes quite enough to take to Prom. Wow, I suck." This is not what girls should be thinking, but many of us think this way, and it ruins our self-esteem for a long time. So this is another reason why we simply NEED to be asked!

Now, many girls do not fit this description. Some of these dislike prom for other reasons. Mostly they're just jealous, but some really dislike shopping. Some dislike spending so much time getting ready. Some just hate the stress, and some just hate boys. They dislike the shallow creepiness of girls who say "Guess who asked me?" even though they dislike the boy, and only want to go because it will give them a chance to show off a revealing dress, and themselves being popular.

Do I like Prom? Heck yes! Still, as it approaches, and I still don't have a date...I don't know whether to be excited or to allow my defensive mechanisms to start kicking in...for more info, see the dream above summarized

Wee!!

I'm so excited! I'm so excited to raise my kids, and to clean my house, and to make my husband little presents ^_^ The cleaning and cooking won't be so fun, but it'll be awesome and worth it because of who I'll be doing it for! I'm SO excited!! But a little scared, too. What do I do when my kids fight? Will I be a good enough example? Will I slip into my old ways and be a naggy, annoying wife? And it's so close! In 3 years I could have my first child! I'M FREAKED OUT! But excited! ghghgghghghgh that was my short-circuiting. Wee! that was my excitement. I can't decide! Oh well, might as well start getting ready. Gotta be a great mom!

North Korea

I just learned about North Korea...it was horrible. Their capital is all a show, where they've built skyscraper hotels and apartment buildings and palaces, but guess what? NO ONE LIVES THERE. There are a bunch of tour guides for the visitors that rarely, if ever, come. It was so creepy. And people that don't cooperate...I don't even want to talk about it. The government doesn't let their people see what happens outside, and they feed them rediculous fairytales about their leaders so everyone thinks they are wonderful, and that they have supernatural powers...Thousands of their children practice 6 hours a day either to perform for visitors, or simply to honor the leader. People are starving, and they build museums about how America has split their country, and how they treated people during the war...all of what they say about America is untrue, but...wow. I had no idea. How can people live like that? How can people just watch people live like that? WHY HAVE WE NOT DONE ANYTHING?!

Ice Skating

I should just ask what I did. Someday. Not now. What to say...what to say....nothing. There's nothing that hasn't already been said. Sad. He is pushing me away...Oh well. Today we went ice skating. I have wanted for a long time to be a figure skater. I know I never will, but it's just so beautiful...the way they glide, and spin, and do leaps so effortlessly. It looks like it feels so good. It just makes you long to be part of it, to create something beautiful...I love skating, and gliding across the ice. It feels great. It's great fun.

lalala

Scott - his 15 year old. Or Anna.
Doug - Rachel
Grant - Annelise
Hannah - Krystian
Kolin - Bree
Bryan - Greer
Tom - Some Asian Princess (she'll prolly make you miserable)
McKay - Bonnie (it was in a dream)
Missy - Josh
Justin - Melissa wow, cool
Caleb - You can marry Kathleen, for all I care
Jex - Britany (sorry, Janae, I know you've liked him forever, but I just don't think you two are...right for eachother)

This is a list of several of my friends, and it includes all the boys I've ever liked, and who I've put them with to marry. Some are thought out, some are blehnesses.
And the rest of you I haven't conjectured yet, don't be mad. And those of you on the list, don't be mad. These are simply what I've come up with, or haven't come up with, and...whatever. Well, yes, I'm not on the list. Ha. Ha ha. ha

wee I should write the last names

Liz/Anna Monson
Rachel Gaufin (hm...could take some getting used to)
Annelise Jones (ooo I like)
Hannah Perez (another get used to)
Bree Anne Harrision (hehe)
Greer Merrill
uh let's name her Shaniqua Heaton
Bonnie Heaton
Missy...uh...
Melissa Benson (oooo)
Kathleen Stone (meh)
Britany Jex (hm...maybe that wasn't the best choice afterall)