Car Crash (Moment of Our Lives #1)

Once upon a time, Liz Warnick, Claire Warnick, and Noelle Reid decided to go to Casey's farewell. It had snowed that morning, and there hadn't been any sand/ice trucks out yet that day.

So there we were, driving to Casey's farewell. We were a bit late, but we were trying to play it safe anyway, not go too fast. We were on the freeway, nearing our exit. All of the sudden, we see the exit we are supposed to take. I turned a bit too quickly, but under any other circumstances, it would have been plenty of time. With all the new fallen snow and ice, my worn tires couldn't keep a grip. We started spinning at 60 miles an hour. Adrenaline took over, and we didn't even think to scream. We were spinning off the freeway, and there was nothing we could do.

On one side, the long way down into a ditch. Going down that way would likely throw the car into an all-out roll, which would put us in further danger. On the other side, the gore area and the freeway. If anyone was to come behind us, they would not have time to stop before they hit us from behind. And if they did stop, or swerve, they would likely spin out of control just as we were now doing. Not very many good options. The only safe way was to stay on the exit ramp and pray no one was trying to exit right behind us. Still, how do you stay within 20 ft. when you're spinning out of control?

I knew the best thing I could do would be to slow us down as fast as I could. The best way to do that was to pull us into an even tighter spin. We would spin faster, but our horizontal motion would take a severe drop. However, taking this tactic also meant I couldn't control where we would land.

I pulled the wheel as tight as I could, and we started spinning faster. A billion thoughts went through my mind, thinking through every contingency. Here are some things I was thinking:

• When we crash, I wonder how hurt I'll be.
• Finally! I get to see who would visit me in the hospital!
• I hope Liz and Claire don't get hurt. Not only would it be sad, but I'd be so embarrassed!
• AHHH!!
• Wow! I've never spun this much before!
• How am I not dead yet?
• This is a long spin.
• Our faces probably look so funny right now. (No, actually, I didn't think that. But they really did look funny)

Miraculously, there was no one behind us to send us rolling and depending upon our seatbelts to keep us alive. Miraculously, we didn't fly into the middle of the freeway, at the disposal of the wheels and metal around us. Miraculously, we didn't go careening over the side, into the ditch. We came to a stop in the middle of the exit ramp. And we had time to turn around and continue our journey before anyone was near us.

Why it was a miracle:
1. The exit ramp was curved. How could we have done a 540 degree turn at 60 miles an hour, and not have gone flying off?
2. Our momentum was headed straight (or almost straight) off the freeway, into the ditch. We should have slid right off.
3. I'm not that lucky.

So, how did we feel, having escaped death so nearly? How did we react to this crazy experience?

We spent the next 20 minutes laughing hysterically.

Post number 250.

How could the stereotype be true?
I suppose I shall simply accept the fact and move on. No, more like accept the fact and FREAK OUT!!
Everyone's getting married! Married! AHH! I'm not ready yet, and I suppose I don't have to be, but I feel a little awkward in my delayed stage of life while so many others are moving ahead. Oh well. Being a kid was always more fun anyway.

Why I'm Cold.

I am cold because I am not circulating well. I do not circulate well when I am unhappy. So, in order to explain to myself why the room feels so frigid, I must begin by reminding myself of why I am unhappy. Perhaps in isolating these causes, I may be able to identify solutions for each.

1. I hate my house.
This is partly because I often have strong feelings the girl who lives here , and she is the only one who seems able to tolerate being here. Every day I see more reasons why no one comes to visit, and there really isn't anyone to blame, but now I am stuck alone in a place I don't like to be.

2. I hate most of my classes.
I feel like I'm not learning anything, and maybe that's my fault. But why did I work so hard to get here, and why am I working so hard now if I feel as if I'm only digressing?

3. I am skipping many things I physically need.
Tonight is the second night I skipped dinner due to lack of time. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I am not able to sleep when I have the time to, because I am either freaking out about what happened before and what will happen after.

4. Friends are slipping out of reach.
Enough said. It seems that often my most sincere efforts go unnoticed or unfruitful.

5. I feel alone.
The people I talked to about life, the people who put me back together again when I felt like I was falling apart, all seem so far away. The times I need them the most are the times when they are the farthest away. And while they are just an email away, I feel stupid writing something they won't get until I've accepted that life stinks, or they will just feel an excess amount of worry. I don't know. There's no one to talk to in person.

6. I'm really cold.

A College Update

The difficulty of college has resulted in a lot of realizations. These conclusions have included the following:

1. I'm not very good at time efficiency.
2. I'm not quite as good at the trumpet has I had come to believe by the end of senior year.
3. You don't have to be a child prodigy to make it into BYU music school. Only a couple of the people here are UBER amazing.
4. I really really love my family, and my home contains a spirit which is not found anywhere else in my life at this point.
5. I thought I loved my friends before, but I now have a tenderness for almost every one that I may have experienced only a couple of times before. I could make lists upon lists of reasons and certain events which have put you all on my list of favorite people ever. Little things that I may not have noticed before now mean worlds. Ok, time for more lists!


Things that are hard:

1. At times there is too much to do in one day than is humanly possible.
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3. My most loyal, constant friends are as busy as I am, and seemingly far away. So while I have a deeper relationship with them than I thought I might have, I see them less often.


A few things that have really meant a lot to me:

1. Annelise's quiet loyalty. She came to my concert and my little "girls' night", and just those things alone made me realize how much her constancy and love mean to me.
2. (Woops. I forgot to delete that one too :D ) Nothing very secret or scandelous. Just embarrassing.
3. BreeAnne finally needs help! haha I just adore helping friends, and BreeAnne always seemed to help me instead (her being more popular, on top of things, etc.) But now she's having a really hard time in college and feels really lonely. So, while I definitely do not joy in her sorrow, I do relish this opportunity to do something concrete for a friend.
4. Bryan's continued correspondence and trust. I think that no matter how long it has been since we've talked, he will always retain a talent for making me feel like we have a deep mutual friendship. Which I hope we always do.
5. Natalie's Voicemails. They are so much fun!
6. Rachel always remembering to include me. She is the best twin ever!
6. Lisa's consistent emails. It means so much to me to still be connected, even if it is in such a distant manner. I had hoped so hard for just such a connection, because I saw too many classes graduate, and too many people who never communicated to anyone still in high school. So I saw too often that everyone forgot about those people. Not permanently, of course, just the whole out of sight, out of mind deal. But now that we have broken through that trend, it gives me a hope for the ideal: Friends Forever. Maybe that term doesn't have to hold the same cold irony and hypocrisy for my friends and I as it does for almost every other friendship.

If you're not on this list, or if you don't appreciate what I wrote, let me know. Either it was so late that I forgot one of the most important parts of my life (as happens often) or we just need to talk more!

A Perfect Day

It was beautiful. Here's a list of things that made it the best day, at least of the week:

• Didn't have to wait to cross the street. Either time.
• Got to work on time, and didn't even have to walk fast.
• Not too many problems, confusions at work.
• Daniel not there; I got to use the compy
• We ordered more stickyback sleeves. Each box comes with a handful of candy!
• I got to see the random little office of BYU Central Stores. It's so central, it's in the middle of a building for something else!
• I unexpectedly was let out at 2:30 for graduation!
• The cookies I cooked turned out pretty good.
• I went to DoT, and saw many of my favorite people.
• I went to Music Man, and saw even more of my favorite people.
• When Clayzy was having trouble finding the coupon we needed, I made a gesture and said "appear!" The next second, she pulled it out.
• We sat behind LeggyK and Aubrey. LeggyK and I laughed quite a bit.
• I even shared an inside joke with Soccerball in the middle of the show.
• I got to play with LeggyK's camera at intermission!
  
• Mariel was so cute and gave me a great big hug.
• The OHS Marching Band welcomed me with love, and even played a song in my honor! I think Carry On will now be one of my very favorite songs.

Ups and Downs

Well, today some great things are happening!

• The batches are relatively small and running comparatively smoothly.
• An extremely attractive and unmarried boy came to pick up his order, and Daniel wasn't here to take over. His name was Brett. He reminded me of someone I know.
• That Asian girl to whom I give the CD's when I'm done made me laugh because she was practically begging me to get a batch done so she wouldn't have to do coiling. It wasn't my fault, and I was able to give the batch to her right there.
• Daniel and Ed left for the Afternoon, so I am here to run this room as I please!
• I am getting through the small orders which will be picked up today.
• There's a speeches order! Nick's coming!
• I had a very tasty lunch.

But there are some things that make me sad.

• DoT is not yet planned for this week, and guess who gets to do it?
  
• I haven't heard from Cherry or a couple other people in a long time.
• Cavin doesn't even notice me.
• Grandma really doesn't want me to go to the singles' ward yet.
• 
  
• What the random blue dots?
  

Somehow friends make everything better.

Nuff said. Sanity would be a difficult task without friends to talk to.

Go Down Hard

My head hurts. This is because I stayed up late after cleaning up after a party I enjoyed very much. Then, I woke up early to shower and go to work. I even woke up early enough to get to work early! Now, this was part of my plan. I always stretch myself as far as I can go.

I'm trying to be everything to everyone! I'm trying to be everyone's friend at once, and the best friend I can be to a select few. I think I have finally found the people I want to hang on to for the rest of forever. Still, doing just a little for a lot of people takes time. I've got things planned with other people every day for six days in a row. That, on top of work, makes it hard for me to keep up with all the chores I have to do at my new apartment: laundry, dishes, cleaning.

Am I going to change my ways? No. I might even become more like this. I will very likely plan myself nearly to death, take a break, then do it again. It works for me. I need to stay busy, and this is one way to do it. I take my breaks when I need them (or when I let myself need them.) Each thing I do is a break from the other things I do, so I can be everywhere and not get tired of it. Rehearsals for the concert at Abravanell Hall is balanced out by being a private teacher. Work is balanced by DoT and the concert. Chores are balanced out by house sitting. The only thing I have trouble fitting into my schedule is sleep.

So, my week's schedule? It looks like I've got myself down to work hard all day, and than play hard all night. I'm excited.

My Good Opinion, Once Gained...

So I've moved out. And I'm working full time. It's not all that bad. But why do I feel so alienated from the human race?

Because earning money is the only thing I do all day!

I do not help people much; I don't have time. I do not comfort people; I'm not there for them. I wish there was some way I could be everything to everyone and still earn money!

When I am a musician, I will have my own schedule. Most of that schedule will be dedicated to being a friend, and hopefully a wife and mother someday. I can't write music when my actions, and therefore thoughts, are so centered upon an activity which serves only myself!

Senior year was so great because I got to spend it with and spend so much of it doing things for such wonderful people. Psychology was a class I took so that I could help others. I do music not only for my own enjoyment, but so that I can share that love with other people .

I am a people person. I am centered on the social aspect, and the people involved with every facet of life. This makes it hard for me to focus on school. This makes it hard for me to focus on doing things that improve my own life. My mom said one time, "you not only aren't vain about your awards, but you seem to avoid them and hate them all together!" I laughed. It was hard for me to focus on doing all the things required to get into college, and I almost lost a scholarship I had earned because I just wasn't focused.

Now, I have to focus on work for most of my day. How very against my nature. If I complain a lot, that's why.

I'm listening to the last song of my last high school dance. It's cheesy beyond measure, but I really hope at least some of us are "friends forever." Don't be surprised if I visit any of you randomly. I miss you.

And what a life it is

I hope this and my journal, my own records, are testaments of the tender mercies of the Lord, just as Nephi's records are. This whole year, I've been blessed far beyond anything I deserved. I am beginning to see some of the blessings promised in my patriarchal blessing, as well as things I never dreamed I would receive. My only trials were caused by myself (which seems to be a trend for me) and my joys were rarely dependent upon my own hard work (ha that sounds exactly like the cognitive view of the cause of depression). This only causes me more gratitude for the wonderful way this year has turned out. Things have not gone the way I expected or planned. They have been even better.

Here's a list of blessings I actually worked for:

• Getting into BYU School of Music

Hm. Wow. What a list. Here's a list of things that have just come, some of which I didn't even see coming (or maybe see as blessings) until they were already in place:

• Friendships with Cherry and LeggyK. I never expected to gain any close friends this year, but those two are a couple of my favorite people ever. Senior year would have been unbearably dull without their company and crazy plans.
• Having a job this summer and for the rest of my college experience.
• Near campus housing during the summer and all through school.
• A greater love for those around me, and an ability to get along with those I never thought I would be able to.
• A chance to film the movie!
• The ability to survive. Like I said, though...the only thing I've really had to survive is the torture I put myself through.
• Being in A Cappella. I have enjoyed it immensly, and I'm not exactly sure why I don't get as annoyed with the whole situation as Cucumber and some others.
• Mr. Lyon! Haha need I say more?
• Opportunities to savor this last year of high school. I've had so many chances to relax and be a kid hanging out with friends. I can't even express how grateful I've been for that.
• Chances to make a difference for people. The best thing ever is when I can help someone spiritually or emotionally. There is nothing greater than to see or sense that smile of gratitude.
• A bit more humility. I hope.
• A better perspective for everything that happens: more hope about the future, less dependence on the past, and a greater appreciation for the present.

20 Things I learned on Band Tour

1. "Flying to Neverland" can get you into trouble.
2. I'm not very good at following, although sometimes it's just easier to let someone else lead.
3. Mr. Lyon doesn't have it in him to get anyone back.
4. I'm not very good at getting to bed on time.
5. Social circumstances change constantly, and you have to adjust.
6. Buses suck all conversational ability out of me.
7. Grand plans don't always pan out.
8. The swings at amusement parks aren't all that bad.
9. Princesses are hard to find. (about as hard as the metaphorical prince)
10. I have the ability to use a purse. Don't mock me.
11. Don't give your friend both mustard and popcorn on the same night.
12. Indiana Jones is the best ride. Ever.
13. Don't pretend to be mad. It never turns out funny and it makes you look lame.
14. Pillow fights are about the greatest thing.
15. Don't ever hide in the closet. People get hurt that way.
16. Mr. Lyon is a soccer superstar.
17. Sam is a beachbum bird afraid of the water.
18. Being patient with people is not the same as being kind.
19. BTR's are overrated. Band tour went great without them.
20. Life is beautiful when you have a friend living it with you.

Sorry about all the vague descriptions and weird lists...I'm just not good at being specific about long periods of time, especially when they are so packed of awesome experiences. Anyway, tomorrow we start school again, (on an A day of all things) and I know that I will be thinking back on things that happened this Spring Break for years to come. Life is beautiful. And when bad things happen it can be beautifully tragic or tragically beautiful; it's all a matter of perspective.

BAND TOUR

I will not try to give a minute by minute or even day by day breakdown of what went on on band tour. Let it suffice that friendships were strengthened, things were learned, and fun was had! It was such a beautiful time, and I think that, unless some other crazy awesome things happen, this was kind of the climax of my senior year. Socially, anyway. I am REALLY going to miss all this. Good thing I'm making time to drink it all in. As soon as summer hits, though, I'll be an adult. And I'll have to act like it.

Something Else to Feel

I cannot think of any emotion that is two dimensional. Not one can be taken at face value. Every emotion, I believe, is a molecule, and though the atoms exist within the different molecules, no one element can exist purely to itself. At least for me in my Earthly experience.

This week has been so very fun. LeggyK and I have had a blast, and while we realize that as the choir people come back, we will be constrained (or restrained) once again to sanity, I think it is probably a good thing. It's been marvelous to have a vacation and to go crazy with LeggyK. We are very similar in our idea of a good time. I have gotten to know her so much better. I really think I can say I feel comfortable to be myself around her, and comfortable to ask her to do things with me, which, I think, is the greatest compliment, and the greatest sign of friendship that I can think of. I hope we will always have chances to go on escapades and just go crazy. I am also very excited for Soccerball, Violin, and Cherry to get home. I am especially excited for Cherry's return. Despite common misconception, Cherry often has ideas and plans that rival my craziness. She usually plays the straight man in our duo, kind of like Soccerball for LeggyK. She has the role of laughing or being shocked at what I say. However, if she didn't also come up with crazy ideas, or go along with the crazy ideas I came up with, I don't think I would hang out with her very long. It's been amazing to see how well we can play off eachother, and how similarly we think, despite the disparity of our behaviors. Unfortunately, that sometimes provides an excess amount of comfort, in which we are able to say things about people that probably shouldn't be said...

Well, I could sit here and analyze my relationships with my friends all day, but it's late, and I've probably already said something to offend someone, although none of my thoughts have been negative...gah. Ok, funny story...(that will forever make me laugh)

oh, btw...222 posts!

You smell shiny...

I was just wondering if it was possible to be bored of a person. I thought first of the people I have known the longest...am I bored of them? Not at all. The people I am around the most? Am I bored of them? If anything, the opposite. Then I thought about anyone I might be bored of, at least bored of their company. I realized that it is the people I spend the least amount of time with who bore me. There are a couple reasons for this that I can see. I don't spend time with people who bore me. There's also the fact that people change. When you watch how a person grows, that's exciting. And when you know a person well, there's always something going on in their life that affects you, and visa versa. How not boring.

PS I got a BYU music scholarship

Hydrogen in my Cheerios

I just love giving titles to things. I think I could see myself writing billions of little essays and things simply to give them all funny/weird titles. I sometimes feel that life is so good that I'm going to start spewing bubbles of happiness from my mouth, ears, etc. Soccerball, LeggyK, Violin, Cherry, and I have had such fun times lately. And most other things make me extremely happy as well. There are some stresses, some causes for anxiety and constant decision making, but overall, I can do nothing but to say that there is an immense amount of beauty in the world, and I'm drinking in all I can. I haven't written a good list in a while, now. Here's the ten songs that make me the most giddy:

1. Drops of Jupiter
2. When Did You Fall (In Love With Me)
3. For Once in My Life
4. The First Time I Danced
5. Give a Little Bit
6. What a Wonderful World
7. Accidentally In Love
8. You're Still You
9. For Good
10. As Lovers Go

Ah. Meaning a tranquil scream. What am I to do? Well, I really wouldn't do anything, except that this could spoil all my plans, all my beautiful hopes. Meh. Well, I've got some time. Ha! I think I know what I could do! I think I'll run the idea past my advisors tomorrow...But what if I'm totally wrong? No. Not possible at this point. I can be oblivious and paranoid, but this is way beyond guessing. This is recognizing the obvious. I mean really. Haha whenever I write down a list or something, my subject afterwards is completely different from the subject at the top. That's just because my thought process evolves during my listing, I suppose. Anyway, about mine problem...it's really rather selfish of me, I suppose. Still, are my hopes to be shoved out to accomodate for another's? No. I can hope, but it might be going too far to interfere consciously and premeditatedly.

"Find another friend and you discard" Have I done this? Oh, I hope not.

Oh how beautiful

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

To look into their eyes and see acceptance.
To be assured by their smiles.
To be hugged and know you are safe.

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

To look into their eyes and see assistance.
To be relieved by their smiles.
To be hugged and know you are healed.

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

To look into their eyes and see joy.
To be thanked by their smiles.
To be hugged and know you are loved.

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

-Eliza Woodhouse

What we've all been waiting for...

Ok, just me. I'm once again using 0% of my gmail account's storage. Woot. That's what I call rationing. Also, my friend bestowed her domain name upon me (because I liked it so much) and you can find a link to it in my links section. It's basically being used for my "artistic endeavors". So...whatever. Today was a TON of fun. I really enjoyed almost everything I did today. Honestly. I really love my friends. I love the times when it seems like everything is going just the way I planned them. Mentally, of course. I'm spending time with friends, getting to know new friends, mending things (even imaginary things) with old friends. I just want to smile all day. Every day. Well, I'd betsa get goin. (oh, btw, ClearType on Internet Explorer 7 is REALLY nice. I like it a lot)

No more gazing across the wasted years...

Well, Valentine's Day was all it had to be. It could have been much worse. Still, sometimes really bad is more triumphant than utterly void...oh well. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow the glorified lies will be put back in their place, and those who live the way they do because that's what they believe will be also be put back in their place. And my friends will be back. You never truly appreciate someone to talk to until it's not there...Why do we always have to wait until it's gone to appreciate it? Is it a human fault? Never quite overcome? Probably. So maybe rather than "Life stinks and then you die" it should be "People stink, and then they die." hehe. Perhaps I'm only bitter against the holiday because I'm bitter against myself. Perhaps I'm only mad at myself for being sad that I don't have something that I never really wanted in the first place...yeah. It sounds about right.

And there was much rejoicing

I basically have the best friends in the world. No one can convince me otherwise. You make me feel important, loved, accepted. So thank you. I love you all