It finally happened.

Well...living in the clouds came with a risk. I took it and fell. Welp, now it just means I've learned my lesson and can move on. It's going to be great now, I know it. Although, I find myself suddenly loving songs about revenge...

Out of Cold

Crushing snow beneath my feet.
My brow furrowed in the dark.

My head hurts.
I'm tired.
I feel empty.

A sound and a move catch my eye.
The last of a long line of deer is heading back
up the mountain.
The clack of their dainty feet
on the hard, man made black of the streets
bring me back to where I want to be.

The snow crackles like fire.
The stars smolder in the velvet.
For another moment, the world is full of magic.

- Eliza Woodhouse

An artist's interpretation of a moment at 9:54pm on January 10th, 2008.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I have
This disease.
But it's not contagious, don't worry.
You keep your distance, and I guess I can see where you're coming from. I can kind of understand why you wouldn't want to be around me, at least while I have
This disease.

I'm sorry I'm not
the same anymore.
But someday it might go away.
You can see my face light up at the sight of you, and you see my hands and knees trembling. You see my eyes glisten and you know why things between us aren't
the same anymore.

I'm sorry
you don't feel the same.
But when I think about it, I'm kind of glad you aren't as sick.
People get along much better when they are both afflicted, but it also means that neither can nurse the other. So maybe I really am happy that
you don't feel the same.

I'm sorry I can't hide
my disease.
But if it gets any worse, I'll quarantine myself.
Because there are no doctors who can prescribe, no apothecaries to cure such a petrifying malady. So please be patient as I bear through
my disease.

I hear it's only fatal sometimes.

Why I'm Cold.

I am cold because I am not circulating well. I do not circulate well when I am unhappy. So, in order to explain to myself why the room feels so frigid, I must begin by reminding myself of why I am unhappy. Perhaps in isolating these causes, I may be able to identify solutions for each.

1. I hate my house.
This is partly because I often have strong feelings the girl who lives here , and she is the only one who seems able to tolerate being here. Every day I see more reasons why no one comes to visit, and there really isn't anyone to blame, but now I am stuck alone in a place I don't like to be.

2. I hate most of my classes.
I feel like I'm not learning anything, and maybe that's my fault. But why did I work so hard to get here, and why am I working so hard now if I feel as if I'm only digressing?

3. I am skipping many things I physically need.
Tonight is the second night I skipped dinner due to lack of time. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I am not able to sleep when I have the time to, because I am either freaking out about what happened before and what will happen after.

4. Friends are slipping out of reach.
Enough said. It seems that often my most sincere efforts go unnoticed or unfruitful.

5. I feel alone.
The people I talked to about life, the people who put me back together again when I felt like I was falling apart, all seem so far away. The times I need them the most are the times when they are the farthest away. And while they are just an email away, I feel stupid writing something they won't get until I've accepted that life stinks, or they will just feel an excess amount of worry. I don't know. There's no one to talk to in person.

6. I'm really cold.

A College Update

The difficulty of college has resulted in a lot of realizations. These conclusions have included the following:

1. I'm not very good at time efficiency.
2. I'm not quite as good at the trumpet has I had come to believe by the end of senior year.
3. You don't have to be a child prodigy to make it into BYU music school. Only a couple of the people here are UBER amazing.
4. I really really love my family, and my home contains a spirit which is not found anywhere else in my life at this point.
5. I thought I loved my friends before, but I now have a tenderness for almost every one that I may have experienced only a couple of times before. I could make lists upon lists of reasons and certain events which have put you all on my list of favorite people ever. Little things that I may not have noticed before now mean worlds. Ok, time for more lists!


Things that are hard:

1. At times there is too much to do in one day than is humanly possible.
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3. My most loyal, constant friends are as busy as I am, and seemingly far away. So while I have a deeper relationship with them than I thought I might have, I see them less often.


A few things that have really meant a lot to me:

1. Annelise's quiet loyalty. She came to my concert and my little "girls' night", and just those things alone made me realize how much her constancy and love mean to me.
2. (Woops. I forgot to delete that one too :D ) Nothing very secret or scandelous. Just embarrassing.
3. BreeAnne finally needs help! haha I just adore helping friends, and BreeAnne always seemed to help me instead (her being more popular, on top of things, etc.) But now she's having a really hard time in college and feels really lonely. So, while I definitely do not joy in her sorrow, I do relish this opportunity to do something concrete for a friend.
4. Bryan's continued correspondence and trust. I think that no matter how long it has been since we've talked, he will always retain a talent for making me feel like we have a deep mutual friendship. Which I hope we always do.
5. Natalie's Voicemails. They are so much fun!
6. Rachel always remembering to include me. She is the best twin ever!
6. Lisa's consistent emails. It means so much to me to still be connected, even if it is in such a distant manner. I had hoped so hard for just such a connection, because I saw too many classes graduate, and too many people who never communicated to anyone still in high school. So I saw too often that everyone forgot about those people. Not permanently, of course, just the whole out of sight, out of mind deal. But now that we have broken through that trend, it gives me a hope for the ideal: Friends Forever. Maybe that term doesn't have to hold the same cold irony and hypocrisy for my friends and I as it does for almost every other friendship.

If you're not on this list, or if you don't appreciate what I wrote, let me know. Either it was so late that I forgot one of the most important parts of my life (as happens often) or we just need to talk more!

Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

I'm Rich! Finally!

So...my scholarships are making it so that I don't really have to pay that much for tuition. For a couple weeks, then, I worked hard to earn my tuition money. So now...I'm just earning money for food and fun. Unfortunately, this means that I'm working for money that I'm not going to have the time to spend the way I want. Also, when I'm at work, I won't want to work as hard because it seems so pointless to be piling on the money! hehe.

Well...I'm pretty much really sick of just sitting around. There's really absolutely nothing work-like for me to do here sometimes. I think I'll get out my book and read.

My Good Opinion, Once Gained...

So I've moved out. And I'm working full time. It's not all that bad. But why do I feel so alienated from the human race?

Because earning money is the only thing I do all day!

I do not help people much; I don't have time. I do not comfort people; I'm not there for them. I wish there was some way I could be everything to everyone and still earn money!

When I am a musician, I will have my own schedule. Most of that schedule will be dedicated to being a friend, and hopefully a wife and mother someday. I can't write music when my actions, and therefore thoughts, are so centered upon an activity which serves only myself!

Senior year was so great because I got to spend it with and spend so much of it doing things for such wonderful people. Psychology was a class I took so that I could help others. I do music not only for my own enjoyment, but so that I can share that love with other people .

I am a people person. I am centered on the social aspect, and the people involved with every facet of life. This makes it hard for me to focus on school. This makes it hard for me to focus on doing things that improve my own life. My mom said one time, "you not only aren't vain about your awards, but you seem to avoid them and hate them all together!" I laughed. It was hard for me to focus on doing all the things required to get into college, and I almost lost a scholarship I had earned because I just wasn't focused.

Now, I have to focus on work for most of my day. How very against my nature. If I complain a lot, that's why.

I'm listening to the last song of my last high school dance. It's cheesy beyond measure, but I really hope at least some of us are "friends forever." Don't be surprised if I visit any of you randomly. I miss you.

What a worried web is the college registration process...

Almost all the classes are full at BYU, my registration date still hasn't come up, and I need to register for all morning classes for my job to work out!!! I'm really freaking out, and I'm not sure how well this is all going to work out. I'm going to survive, but I don't know about anything else. And I'm moving soon. And I'm going into my job again today...I just wish I had some stability. Oh well. I just need to breathe. BREATHE...

Do I rebel, or submit?

Ready? AHH!!!!! I just screamed out of frustration. Because I have no control. No control. No. None. Sometimes I feel like I hate...but I know I'm just scared. I know I just don't want to lose people. Friends mostly. I'm so scared. So sometimes I try to stop feeling anything toward the people I think are going to leave me. It doesn't work. I just end up missing them more. Then, when I give in, and I think "yes! I do want to be your friend! I do want to be involved in the things your are involved in, and I want to talk to you!" Then I remember...you don't talk to me anymore. That's what made me scared in the first place. But that's also what frustrates me. Because I have no control. I can only love and hope I am loved in return. Too bad there's no law of...ah! I can't even spell the word. Well, too bad! I'm just going to have to accept it. I can't be scared anymore...just either rediculously optimistic, or just realistic and...totally accepting of all things as they come. I don't know! “It is difficult for a woman to define her feelings in a language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” - Thomas Hardy. And according to psychology, one thinks in words, and therefore the human mind finds it difficult to think about anything it does not have a word for. Maybe THAT is why I have such a hard time understanding myself! I don't want to be a slave to affection! I don't want to go chasing after things that aren't going to last! Is it worth the temporary pleasure? What pleasure? NO! I can't take any more of your polite waves and smiles! You are going to let me know if my affection is wanted, and then (and ONLY then) will it be freely given. I can't simply hand you my smiles anymore! You don't even want them, I'll reckon. At least...you don't value them at the price it takes me to give them. It takes courage to try again. The rewards aren't good enough at this point. Maybe later it will be easier for both of us. Or maybe neither of us will even care anymore.