Life is a huge cycle.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

Something happens. We are disappointed. This could be caused by a situation or by our own faults.

We try doing what felt good at first, but our disappointment makes us scared. No one wants to be hurt more times that they already have. Or, we realize we cannot feel good about what we have realized to be true. It must be resolved.

We doubt ourselves, and ask ourselves why we ever felt happy, if such disappointment was coming.

We make a new resolution. We have found the solution to all our problems.

The solution works for a little bit, while we are dedicated to making it so.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

Teardrops on my Guitar

There are so many sad love songs. Is it just because it takes us all so long to get it right? And when it's right for one, it's not always right for the other. So we get another sad love song. And another stupid girl who can relate to it. Hm. What craziness.

We truly are crazy creatures.

What seems so simple to our minds is a world of confusion and conflicting feelings for our poor silly hearts. And then what seems simple to our hearts gets all muddled and clouded by our need to reason it out.

Is there nothing simple for both the heart and the mind? Why is it that neither can ever be sure of either the moment or the outcome?

If only outright honesty was always the best policy. I've found that in situations like these, it is so easy to be honest with him or her...and yet I suppose for whatever reason, imagined or valid, we can't say anything. I wish there were more implicit instructions. When I know what to do, it's easy to do it.

A College Update

The difficulty of college has resulted in a lot of realizations. These conclusions have included the following:

1. I'm not very good at time efficiency.
2. I'm not quite as good at the trumpet has I had come to believe by the end of senior year.
3. You don't have to be a child prodigy to make it into BYU music school. Only a couple of the people here are UBER amazing.
4. I really really love my family, and my home contains a spirit which is not found anywhere else in my life at this point.
5. I thought I loved my friends before, but I now have a tenderness for almost every one that I may have experienced only a couple of times before. I could make lists upon lists of reasons and certain events which have put you all on my list of favorite people ever. Little things that I may not have noticed before now mean worlds. Ok, time for more lists!


Things that are hard:

1. At times there is too much to do in one day than is humanly possible.
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3. My most loyal, constant friends are as busy as I am, and seemingly far away. So while I have a deeper relationship with them than I thought I might have, I see them less often.


A few things that have really meant a lot to me:

1. Annelise's quiet loyalty. She came to my concert and my little "girls' night", and just those things alone made me realize how much her constancy and love mean to me.
2. (Woops. I forgot to delete that one too :D ) Nothing very secret or scandelous. Just embarrassing.
3. BreeAnne finally needs help! haha I just adore helping friends, and BreeAnne always seemed to help me instead (her being more popular, on top of things, etc.) But now she's having a really hard time in college and feels really lonely. So, while I definitely do not joy in her sorrow, I do relish this opportunity to do something concrete for a friend.
4. Bryan's continued correspondence and trust. I think that no matter how long it has been since we've talked, he will always retain a talent for making me feel like we have a deep mutual friendship. Which I hope we always do.
5. Natalie's Voicemails. They are so much fun!
6. Rachel always remembering to include me. She is the best twin ever!
6. Lisa's consistent emails. It means so much to me to still be connected, even if it is in such a distant manner. I had hoped so hard for just such a connection, because I saw too many classes graduate, and too many people who never communicated to anyone still in high school. So I saw too often that everyone forgot about those people. Not permanently, of course, just the whole out of sight, out of mind deal. But now that we have broken through that trend, it gives me a hope for the ideal: Friends Forever. Maybe that term doesn't have to hold the same cold irony and hypocrisy for my friends and I as it does for almost every other friendship.

If you're not on this list, or if you don't appreciate what I wrote, let me know. Either it was so late that I forgot one of the most important parts of my life (as happens often) or we just need to talk more!

What a night...

Well, I've had the same two people haunting my dreams for the past little while. I decided I wanted to be distracted from the worries I've been having about them, so I began to read New Moon. I knew I wouldn't be able to put it down. And I didn't. At least, not until I was exhausted and almost all the way through the book at 3:30am. During the few hours of sleep, I dreamed about places and people I don't remember, but in the end I was back in my apartment talking to Watermelon and Clarissa. There might have been a third person, but I'm not sure. I just remember saying to them "New Moon is like the story of my life. Without the physical contact, of course." For some reason, I said it three times. I woke up, and rushed to work, not only trying to be on time, but trying to distract myself from the things that once again began to creep into my mind. So, trying to think of something else, I thought about my strange dream. And I knew it was true.

I know that finishing the book will not tell me the end of my story. As I've thought about different aspects of the book, and more and more of them fit into this parallel of my life at this point, it's been a relief to think that maybe my book has a happy ending in this regard as well. I definitely am not as melodramatic as Bella is anymore. That ended for the most part after junior high. However, I must admit that every once in a while, the wound she describes applies to me: I'm metaphorically just as full of holes.

Go Down Hard

My head hurts. This is because I stayed up late after cleaning up after a party I enjoyed very much. Then, I woke up early to shower and go to work. I even woke up early enough to get to work early! Now, this was part of my plan. I always stretch myself as far as I can go.

I'm trying to be everything to everyone! I'm trying to be everyone's friend at once, and the best friend I can be to a select few. I think I have finally found the people I want to hang on to for the rest of forever. Still, doing just a little for a lot of people takes time. I've got things planned with other people every day for six days in a row. That, on top of work, makes it hard for me to keep up with all the chores I have to do at my new apartment: laundry, dishes, cleaning.

Am I going to change my ways? No. I might even become more like this. I will very likely plan myself nearly to death, take a break, then do it again. It works for me. I need to stay busy, and this is one way to do it. I take my breaks when I need them (or when I let myself need them.) Each thing I do is a break from the other things I do, so I can be everywhere and not get tired of it. Rehearsals for the concert at Abravanell Hall is balanced out by being a private teacher. Work is balanced by DoT and the concert. Chores are balanced out by house sitting. The only thing I have trouble fitting into my schedule is sleep.

So, my week's schedule? It looks like I've got myself down to work hard all day, and than play hard all night. I'm excited.

My Good Opinion, Once Gained...

So I've moved out. And I'm working full time. It's not all that bad. But why do I feel so alienated from the human race?

Because earning money is the only thing I do all day!

I do not help people much; I don't have time. I do not comfort people; I'm not there for them. I wish there was some way I could be everything to everyone and still earn money!

When I am a musician, I will have my own schedule. Most of that schedule will be dedicated to being a friend, and hopefully a wife and mother someday. I can't write music when my actions, and therefore thoughts, are so centered upon an activity which serves only myself!

Senior year was so great because I got to spend it with and spend so much of it doing things for such wonderful people. Psychology was a class I took so that I could help others. I do music not only for my own enjoyment, but so that I can share that love with other people .

I am a people person. I am centered on the social aspect, and the people involved with every facet of life. This makes it hard for me to focus on school. This makes it hard for me to focus on doing things that improve my own life. My mom said one time, "you not only aren't vain about your awards, but you seem to avoid them and hate them all together!" I laughed. It was hard for me to focus on doing all the things required to get into college, and I almost lost a scholarship I had earned because I just wasn't focused.

Now, I have to focus on work for most of my day. How very against my nature. If I complain a lot, that's why.

I'm listening to the last song of my last high school dance. It's cheesy beyond measure, but I really hope at least some of us are "friends forever." Don't be surprised if I visit any of you randomly. I miss you.

Waiting for...what?

I was working on some homework, and needed to use a link. It was taking a while to connect, and kept asking me to "Please wait." This prompted me to think more in depth about something I have mentally touched upon a few times this week.

It's true that we spend most of our lives waiting. Waiting for the bus to arrive, waiting for the school day to be over, waiting to get out of one thing before you can get to the next. However, despite all this forced wait, I've noticed that people don't voluntarily wait for other people as much as I have always believed was a matter of decency. People go on physically without even looking back for those they previously were associating. Some do not even wait for people to finish their sentence before they speak or formulate their own. Why not? What are we failing to do, if anything, when we don't wait for people? What are we choosing to do when we do wait? A few of the origins of the word wait originally meant to be awake, watch, or to guard. Which are we doing?

Just being awake, being aware of who is around us. Waiting on people usually means to serve them, to be there for their every request. Waiting on them hand and foot. Perhaps part of waiting for people is to be aware of their wants, to be ready for their requests, even if we cannot fulfill them. When we don't wait, are we simply expressing our lack of ability to fulfill their requests? Or are we simply refusing to be aware, or awake to, their needs and opinions?

To watch for something often fits our modern interpretation of the word wait. Watching for the completion or the commencement of a certain event. Watch is a very active word mentally, but usually not physically. When you watch for something, that thing usually takes precedence in our minds. Obviously, when you cease even to watch for a person once they have fallen behind, they have no such priority in your thoughts. When they fall behind in conversation or along the trail of cognitive exploration, do we sufficiently watch for their view? Do we put enough effort into watching to see their progression, or do we assume that either our speaking partner is thinking what we are, or they are too far lost or incorrect to help or consider?

How can we possibly be guarding someone when we wait for them? The only real answer I have been able to conjure up is that of guarding one emotionally. By showing that we are aware of their desires and watching where they are physically, emotionally, and cognitively, we provide a figurative place of belonging, or at least of acceptance. Acceptance, I believe, is one of the foremost emotional needs of any normal human being. I am not saying that by choosing not to wait, we destroy feelings of acceptance for anyone. I do believe, however, that this simple act gives a lot more comfort than we may realize. What do we comfort and guard from? Perhaps we guard from the harsh nature of the absolute speed of our world. Who does not feel passed by and caught in a rush of people, places, and responsibilities at one time or another? When we are waited for, it gives us a figurative rock in the rapids, someone we know will not rush away from us, even if the world does.

I am not offended when others don't wait for me. It strengthens independence. However, perhaps we could all wait a little more in thought, speech, and action for those who need the emotionally fortress we may be able to provide. Maybe we could all look out a bit more for those who silently cry out, "Please, wait".