I keep on chasing the wrong things

So it seems that I'm wrong,
'Cause you said that I would never want for anything again.
But my eyes are set low,
And I'm holding to the thing I know I can't keep.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be!
I keep on learning the hard way: from every mistake,
And I'm finding each time that you fall,
You're just becoming who you are

So it seems that I'm wrong,
'Cause I keep on searching for the answers that I don't need,
That I know I don't need.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be.
I keep on learning the hard way: from every mistake.
I'm finding each time that you fall,
You're just becoming who you are.


No, I did not write these lyrics. But they speak to me in a way that only truth can. I've been chasing all of the wrong dreams, and seeking all the answers I don't need! These are all things I already have, or don't need right now! Gee whiz. It is so easy to get depressed in this world. I just have to let myself be happy!

Life is a huge cycle.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

Something happens. We are disappointed. This could be caused by a situation or by our own faults.

We try doing what felt good at first, but our disappointment makes us scared. No one wants to be hurt more times that they already have. Or, we realize we cannot feel good about what we have realized to be true. It must be resolved.

We doubt ourselves, and ask ourselves why we ever felt happy, if such disappointment was coming.

We make a new resolution. We have found the solution to all our problems.

The solution works for a little bit, while we are dedicated to making it so.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I have
This disease.
But it's not contagious, don't worry.
You keep your distance, and I guess I can see where you're coming from. I can kind of understand why you wouldn't want to be around me, at least while I have
This disease.

I'm sorry I'm not
the same anymore.
But someday it might go away.
You can see my face light up at the sight of you, and you see my hands and knees trembling. You see my eyes glisten and you know why things between us aren't
the same anymore.

I'm sorry
you don't feel the same.
But when I think about it, I'm kind of glad you aren't as sick.
People get along much better when they are both afflicted, but it also means that neither can nurse the other. So maybe I really am happy that
you don't feel the same.

I'm sorry I can't hide
my disease.
But if it gets any worse, I'll quarantine myself.
Because there are no doctors who can prescribe, no apothecaries to cure such a petrifying malady. So please be patient as I bear through
my disease.

I hear it's only fatal sometimes.

Why I'm Cold.

I am cold because I am not circulating well. I do not circulate well when I am unhappy. So, in order to explain to myself why the room feels so frigid, I must begin by reminding myself of why I am unhappy. Perhaps in isolating these causes, I may be able to identify solutions for each.

1. I hate my house.
This is partly because I often have strong feelings the girl who lives here , and she is the only one who seems able to tolerate being here. Every day I see more reasons why no one comes to visit, and there really isn't anyone to blame, but now I am stuck alone in a place I don't like to be.

2. I hate most of my classes.
I feel like I'm not learning anything, and maybe that's my fault. But why did I work so hard to get here, and why am I working so hard now if I feel as if I'm only digressing?

3. I am skipping many things I physically need.
Tonight is the second night I skipped dinner due to lack of time. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I am not able to sleep when I have the time to, because I am either freaking out about what happened before and what will happen after.

4. Friends are slipping out of reach.
Enough said. It seems that often my most sincere efforts go unnoticed or unfruitful.

5. I feel alone.
The people I talked to about life, the people who put me back together again when I felt like I was falling apart, all seem so far away. The times I need them the most are the times when they are the farthest away. And while they are just an email away, I feel stupid writing something they won't get until I've accepted that life stinks, or they will just feel an excess amount of worry. I don't know. There's no one to talk to in person.

6. I'm really cold.

Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

What a night...

Well, I've had the same two people haunting my dreams for the past little while. I decided I wanted to be distracted from the worries I've been having about them, so I began to read New Moon. I knew I wouldn't be able to put it down. And I didn't. At least, not until I was exhausted and almost all the way through the book at 3:30am. During the few hours of sleep, I dreamed about places and people I don't remember, but in the end I was back in my apartment talking to Watermelon and Clarissa. There might have been a third person, but I'm not sure. I just remember saying to them "New Moon is like the story of my life. Without the physical contact, of course." For some reason, I said it three times. I woke up, and rushed to work, not only trying to be on time, but trying to distract myself from the things that once again began to creep into my mind. So, trying to think of something else, I thought about my strange dream. And I knew it was true.

I know that finishing the book will not tell me the end of my story. As I've thought about different aspects of the book, and more and more of them fit into this parallel of my life at this point, it's been a relief to think that maybe my book has a happy ending in this regard as well. I definitely am not as melodramatic as Bella is anymore. That ended for the most part after junior high. However, I must admit that every once in a while, the wound she describes applies to me: I'm metaphorically just as full of holes.

How to Save a Life

I don't really know yet; I'm still trying to figure it out.

On the one hand, isn't this supposed to be a part of life? Losing people after high school?
On the other, aren't the associations we have in this life carried on to the next, as stated by Joseph Smith? Doesn't that mean we should do our utmost to improve these associations as far as it is possible?

And...why do I feel so different from everyone else? Why does it seem that the secrets I keep inside myself never match up with any stories I hear? Why does it seem that the deepest parts of me are so disagreed with, at least by the actions of everyone around me?

Is it too vain to assume that I really am as different as it appears to my careful comparisons?

Ups and Downs

Well, today some great things are happening!

• The batches are relatively small and running comparatively smoothly.
• An extremely attractive and unmarried boy came to pick up his order, and Daniel wasn't here to take over. His name was Brett. He reminded me of someone I know.
• That Asian girl to whom I give the CD's when I'm done made me laugh because she was practically begging me to get a batch done so she wouldn't have to do coiling. It wasn't my fault, and I was able to give the batch to her right there.
• Daniel and Ed left for the Afternoon, so I am here to run this room as I please!
• I am getting through the small orders which will be picked up today.
• There's a speeches order! Nick's coming!
• I had a very tasty lunch.

But there are some things that make me sad.

• DoT is not yet planned for this week, and guess who gets to do it?
  
• I haven't heard from Cherry or a couple other people in a long time.
• Cavin doesn't even notice me.
• Grandma really doesn't want me to go to the singles' ward yet.
• 
  
• What the random blue dots?
  

My Good Opinion, Once Gained...

So I've moved out. And I'm working full time. It's not all that bad. But why do I feel so alienated from the human race?

Because earning money is the only thing I do all day!

I do not help people much; I don't have time. I do not comfort people; I'm not there for them. I wish there was some way I could be everything to everyone and still earn money!

When I am a musician, I will have my own schedule. Most of that schedule will be dedicated to being a friend, and hopefully a wife and mother someday. I can't write music when my actions, and therefore thoughts, are so centered upon an activity which serves only myself!

Senior year was so great because I got to spend it with and spend so much of it doing things for such wonderful people. Psychology was a class I took so that I could help others. I do music not only for my own enjoyment, but so that I can share that love with other people .

I am a people person. I am centered on the social aspect, and the people involved with every facet of life. This makes it hard for me to focus on school. This makes it hard for me to focus on doing things that improve my own life. My mom said one time, "you not only aren't vain about your awards, but you seem to avoid them and hate them all together!" I laughed. It was hard for me to focus on doing all the things required to get into college, and I almost lost a scholarship I had earned because I just wasn't focused.

Now, I have to focus on work for most of my day. How very against my nature. If I complain a lot, that's why.

I'm listening to the last song of my last high school dance. It's cheesy beyond measure, but I really hope at least some of us are "friends forever." Don't be surprised if I visit any of you randomly. I miss you.

What a worried web is the college registration process...

Almost all the classes are full at BYU, my registration date still hasn't come up, and I need to register for all morning classes for my job to work out!!! I'm really freaking out, and I'm not sure how well this is all going to work out. I'm going to survive, but I don't know about anything else. And I'm moving soon. And I'm going into my job again today...I just wish I had some stability. Oh well. I just need to breathe. BREATHE...

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

I need a project. I need...something to do, something to focus on besides the end. "I'm becoming part of the past." I need to be more grateful, more hopeful. Oh help me.

Hydrogen in my Cheerios

I just love giving titles to things. I think I could see myself writing billions of little essays and things simply to give them all funny/weird titles. I sometimes feel that life is so good that I'm going to start spewing bubbles of happiness from my mouth, ears, etc. Soccerball, LeggyK, Violin, Cherry, and I have had such fun times lately. And most other things make me extremely happy as well. There are some stresses, some causes for anxiety and constant decision making, but overall, I can do nothing but to say that there is an immense amount of beauty in the world, and I'm drinking in all I can. I haven't written a good list in a while, now. Here's the ten songs that make me the most giddy:

1. Drops of Jupiter
2. When Did You Fall (In Love With Me)
3. For Once in My Life
4. The First Time I Danced
5. Give a Little Bit
6. What a Wonderful World
7. Accidentally In Love
8. You're Still You
9. For Good
10. As Lovers Go

Ah. Meaning a tranquil scream. What am I to do? Well, I really wouldn't do anything, except that this could spoil all my plans, all my beautiful hopes. Meh. Well, I've got some time. Ha! I think I know what I could do! I think I'll run the idea past my advisors tomorrow...But what if I'm totally wrong? No. Not possible at this point. I can be oblivious and paranoid, but this is way beyond guessing. This is recognizing the obvious. I mean really. Haha whenever I write down a list or something, my subject afterwards is completely different from the subject at the top. That's just because my thought process evolves during my listing, I suppose. Anyway, about mine problem...it's really rather selfish of me, I suppose. Still, are my hopes to be shoved out to accomodate for another's? No. I can hope, but it might be going too far to interfere consciously and premeditatedly.

"Find another friend and you discard" Have I done this? Oh, I hope not.

There comes a time...

When you have to say goodbye. When you have to face those long-forgotten pasts. When you have to face the upcoming future. When you have to sit down and wonder: "What the heck am I going to do with my life!?" When you have to deal with the horrible reality that what means the whole world to you now could mean very little in the near future. When you have to ask yourself how you know what you do, and if you could know more just by a little observation. When life seems a little out of reach, and the slippery slope of panic starts to set in. When you dig in with all the strength you have left, and start the climb up with renewed will and purpose. When you falter, still wondering if you can make it, if your struggle is worth it. When you remember the reason. When you remember the moments when you had no doubt about your struggle. When you recall the feelings of assurance, of accomplishment, of strength and desire for victory. Victory over the enemy. Victory over doubt.