Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

I'm Rich! Finally!

So...my scholarships are making it so that I don't really have to pay that much for tuition. For a couple weeks, then, I worked hard to earn my tuition money. So now...I'm just earning money for food and fun. Unfortunately, this means that I'm working for money that I'm not going to have the time to spend the way I want. Also, when I'm at work, I won't want to work as hard because it seems so pointless to be piling on the money! hehe.

Well...I'm pretty much really sick of just sitting around. There's really absolutely nothing work-like for me to do here sometimes. I think I'll get out my book and read.

My Good Opinion, Once Gained...

So I've moved out. And I'm working full time. It's not all that bad. But why do I feel so alienated from the human race?

Because earning money is the only thing I do all day!

I do not help people much; I don't have time. I do not comfort people; I'm not there for them. I wish there was some way I could be everything to everyone and still earn money!

When I am a musician, I will have my own schedule. Most of that schedule will be dedicated to being a friend, and hopefully a wife and mother someday. I can't write music when my actions, and therefore thoughts, are so centered upon an activity which serves only myself!

Senior year was so great because I got to spend it with and spend so much of it doing things for such wonderful people. Psychology was a class I took so that I could help others. I do music not only for my own enjoyment, but so that I can share that love with other people .

I am a people person. I am centered on the social aspect, and the people involved with every facet of life. This makes it hard for me to focus on school. This makes it hard for me to focus on doing things that improve my own life. My mom said one time, "you not only aren't vain about your awards, but you seem to avoid them and hate them all together!" I laughed. It was hard for me to focus on doing all the things required to get into college, and I almost lost a scholarship I had earned because I just wasn't focused.

Now, I have to focus on work for most of my day. How very against my nature. If I complain a lot, that's why.

I'm listening to the last song of my last high school dance. It's cheesy beyond measure, but I really hope at least some of us are "friends forever." Don't be surprised if I visit any of you randomly. I miss you.

When we're young we set our minds upon some beautiful idea

What a bummer evening. I'm done with everything. And don't feel satisfied in any frivelous activities. And I'm too distracted to do the optional (though difficult) activities I had planned on.

Oh, strange illusions...thou art my downfall.

I'm doing my best...but at this point, it all seems...futile. Notice the ellipses? Yeah. That communicates my lack of understanding of my own feelings. No, I lied. I understand. I just disapprove. AH! I just said "Good heavens, child." to myself! What am I to do with a self as strange as mine?

I think I'm just going to have to buckle down and get myself to be satisfied socially. I go through cycles...mostly, (this year, anyway) it's been euphoric. But...sometimes it's just not enough. And I know it will never be enough until something is guaranteed. But that only happens never. So, self, be happy. You've got what you've always dreamed of. Well, most of it.

More Purpose in Prayer

We heard today from Elder Robert D. Hales. I think this was the closest I've ever been to a general authority outside of the conference center. He said our stake is peculiar, and so he could say things that he couldn't say to other groups. He said many things that touched me, and I'm going to have to go over his words again tonight. Today I felt that I really need to find myself, and get to know me. I also feel like the only place I'm going to really find myself is if I'm with God. Figuratively, of course. "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I need to garnish my thoughts. Protect them, sanctify them, dedicate them. I need to stop worrying so much about the honor of the world. If no one were to care what I do, if all were to hate me, dispise me, or simply treat me with pity, would I be able to be confident in the Lord? If I were to find out that I am not anything I thought I was, would I be able to trust in the Lord to make of me what He will? Will I be able to deal with the fact that while I am part of a chosen generation, and even though I do have a purpose, that purpose may be a quiet one, a purpose in which I merely support those who lead, those who are chosen to teach? Is my purpose to learn? Is my purpose merely to love? Is my purpose to be humble and listen, and to cease to wonder why I am not chosen to speak? Or was that once my purpose, but I have somehow failed? Many are called and few are chosen. Will I be able to overcome pride and to serve the Lord even if I am not one of the chosen? I hope so.