Do you love today?

Do you ever find yourself suddenly so happy your eyes tear up?
Do you ever find the world so beautiful that you want to run through it singing?
Do you ever shout the words your heart has said for a hundred years but never had the courage to say?

Do you see the stars and think of who else is looking?
Do you see the moon and think that it's only a reflection?
Do you see the sky and remember when you thought it was made of blue velvet, or blue construction paper? Before someone told you the boring truth.

Don't let the smog blur the clouds. There are still fishes and pirate ships up there.
Don't be embarrassed to ask the best questions, like: "will you be my friend?"

Don't let even the coldest night make you forget the glory of a summer afternoon.
Because you'll wake up to see the sun. It never stopped shining. The world just got in the way.

Out of Cold

Crushing snow beneath my feet.
My brow furrowed in the dark.

My head hurts.
I'm tired.
I feel empty.

A sound and a move catch my eye.
The last of a long line of deer is heading back
up the mountain.
The clack of their dainty feet
on the hard, man made black of the streets
bring me back to where I want to be.

The snow crackles like fire.
The stars smolder in the velvet.
For another moment, the world is full of magic.

- Eliza Woodhouse

An artist's interpretation of a moment at 9:54pm on January 10th, 2008.

A College Update

The difficulty of college has resulted in a lot of realizations. These conclusions have included the following:

1. I'm not very good at time efficiency.
2. I'm not quite as good at the trumpet has I had come to believe by the end of senior year.
3. You don't have to be a child prodigy to make it into BYU music school. Only a couple of the people here are UBER amazing.
4. I really really love my family, and my home contains a spirit which is not found anywhere else in my life at this point.
5. I thought I loved my friends before, but I now have a tenderness for almost every one that I may have experienced only a couple of times before. I could make lists upon lists of reasons and certain events which have put you all on my list of favorite people ever. Little things that I may not have noticed before now mean worlds. Ok, time for more lists!


Things that are hard:

1. At times there is too much to do in one day than is humanly possible.
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3. My most loyal, constant friends are as busy as I am, and seemingly far away. So while I have a deeper relationship with them than I thought I might have, I see them less often.


A few things that have really meant a lot to me:

1. Annelise's quiet loyalty. She came to my concert and my little "girls' night", and just those things alone made me realize how much her constancy and love mean to me.
2. (Woops. I forgot to delete that one too :D ) Nothing very secret or scandelous. Just embarrassing.
3. BreeAnne finally needs help! haha I just adore helping friends, and BreeAnne always seemed to help me instead (her being more popular, on top of things, etc.) But now she's having a really hard time in college and feels really lonely. So, while I definitely do not joy in her sorrow, I do relish this opportunity to do something concrete for a friend.
4. Bryan's continued correspondence and trust. I think that no matter how long it has been since we've talked, he will always retain a talent for making me feel like we have a deep mutual friendship. Which I hope we always do.
5. Natalie's Voicemails. They are so much fun!
6. Rachel always remembering to include me. She is the best twin ever!
6. Lisa's consistent emails. It means so much to me to still be connected, even if it is in such a distant manner. I had hoped so hard for just such a connection, because I saw too many classes graduate, and too many people who never communicated to anyone still in high school. So I saw too often that everyone forgot about those people. Not permanently, of course, just the whole out of sight, out of mind deal. But now that we have broken through that trend, it gives me a hope for the ideal: Friends Forever. Maybe that term doesn't have to hold the same cold irony and hypocrisy for my friends and I as it does for almost every other friendship.

If you're not on this list, or if you don't appreciate what I wrote, let me know. Either it was so late that I forgot one of the most important parts of my life (as happens often) or we just need to talk more!

Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

What a night...

Well, I've had the same two people haunting my dreams for the past little while. I decided I wanted to be distracted from the worries I've been having about them, so I began to read New Moon. I knew I wouldn't be able to put it down. And I didn't. At least, not until I was exhausted and almost all the way through the book at 3:30am. During the few hours of sleep, I dreamed about places and people I don't remember, but in the end I was back in my apartment talking to Watermelon and Clarissa. There might have been a third person, but I'm not sure. I just remember saying to them "New Moon is like the story of my life. Without the physical contact, of course." For some reason, I said it three times. I woke up, and rushed to work, not only trying to be on time, but trying to distract myself from the things that once again began to creep into my mind. So, trying to think of something else, I thought about my strange dream. And I knew it was true.

I know that finishing the book will not tell me the end of my story. As I've thought about different aspects of the book, and more and more of them fit into this parallel of my life at this point, it's been a relief to think that maybe my book has a happy ending in this regard as well. I definitely am not as melodramatic as Bella is anymore. That ended for the most part after junior high. However, I must admit that every once in a while, the wound she describes applies to me: I'm metaphorically just as full of holes.

Contrasts Create Conviviality

No matter how small an event may seem in normal situations, when surrounded by a wasteland of boredom and solitude, these events can become surprisingly - perhaps dangerously - consequential.

Case in Point.
At work I am alone most of the day. I live with my grandmother, and while she is nice to talk to, the burnings of youthful souls begin to be quenched by the damp, disappointed dreams of the old (refer to Phoebe in House of Seven Gables for a prime example). Now, the scene is set. Nothing can happen but something to excite.
One day, I was working diligently, and there was no sound except for the sound of footsteps past my small cave of solitude. Then, what ho? The footsteps stop at my door. I turn, and there is someone here to talk to me! He is young, blond, tall, and not bad looking at all. But, what is most exciting is that, unlike most men I see here on campus, he is unmarried! What luck!
He tells me that he is taking over for Heather, the girl who worked for Speeches and would come over here every day. She never spoke to me, only to Daniel. I am thrilled to hear this news!
This man, who later introduced himself as Nick, has been so nice and funny about everything I have done for him (business-wise, of course) that I find myself thinking about his daily visit at random times. Now, you're thinking, "Orange. You just have a dumb crush on him. Stop boring us." But that is not true. The point is, I don't have a crush on him, he is just a way for my poor bored mind to escape and excite itself!

So, my moral to the story...
Boredom is dangerous. It can get you into trouble.

If you are not convinced of my moral, just read Ethan Frome. He got way too bored and lonely in Starkfield for his own good. Boredom caused him to marry Zeena. Fortunately, I don't think I'm quite bored enough to marry Nick.

Haha but Nick did come in singing "Good morning" one day. It was pretty cool.

And what a life it is

I hope this and my journal, my own records, are testaments of the tender mercies of the Lord, just as Nephi's records are. This whole year, I've been blessed far beyond anything I deserved. I am beginning to see some of the blessings promised in my patriarchal blessing, as well as things I never dreamed I would receive. My only trials were caused by myself (which seems to be a trend for me) and my joys were rarely dependent upon my own hard work (ha that sounds exactly like the cognitive view of the cause of depression). This only causes me more gratitude for the wonderful way this year has turned out. Things have not gone the way I expected or planned. They have been even better.

Here's a list of blessings I actually worked for:

• Getting into BYU School of Music

Hm. Wow. What a list. Here's a list of things that have just come, some of which I didn't even see coming (or maybe see as blessings) until they were already in place:

• Friendships with Cherry and LeggyK. I never expected to gain any close friends this year, but those two are a couple of my favorite people ever. Senior year would have been unbearably dull without their company and crazy plans.
• Having a job this summer and for the rest of my college experience.
• Near campus housing during the summer and all through school.
• A greater love for those around me, and an ability to get along with those I never thought I would be able to.
• A chance to film the movie!
• The ability to survive. Like I said, though...the only thing I've really had to survive is the torture I put myself through.
• Being in A Cappella. I have enjoyed it immensly, and I'm not exactly sure why I don't get as annoyed with the whole situation as Cucumber and some others.
• Mr. Lyon! Haha need I say more?
• Opportunities to savor this last year of high school. I've had so many chances to relax and be a kid hanging out with friends. I can't even express how grateful I've been for that.
• Chances to make a difference for people. The best thing ever is when I can help someone spiritually or emotionally. There is nothing greater than to see or sense that smile of gratitude.
• A bit more humility. I hope.
• A better perspective for everything that happens: more hope about the future, less dependence on the past, and a greater appreciation for the present.

20 Things I learned on Band Tour

1. "Flying to Neverland" can get you into trouble.
2. I'm not very good at following, although sometimes it's just easier to let someone else lead.
3. Mr. Lyon doesn't have it in him to get anyone back.
4. I'm not very good at getting to bed on time.
5. Social circumstances change constantly, and you have to adjust.
6. Buses suck all conversational ability out of me.
7. Grand plans don't always pan out.
8. The swings at amusement parks aren't all that bad.
9. Princesses are hard to find. (about as hard as the metaphorical prince)
10. I have the ability to use a purse. Don't mock me.
11. Don't give your friend both mustard and popcorn on the same night.
12. Indiana Jones is the best ride. Ever.
13. Don't pretend to be mad. It never turns out funny and it makes you look lame.
14. Pillow fights are about the greatest thing.
15. Don't ever hide in the closet. People get hurt that way.
16. Mr. Lyon is a soccer superstar.
17. Sam is a beachbum bird afraid of the water.
18. Being patient with people is not the same as being kind.
19. BTR's are overrated. Band tour went great without them.
20. Life is beautiful when you have a friend living it with you.

Sorry about all the vague descriptions and weird lists...I'm just not good at being specific about long periods of time, especially when they are so packed of awesome experiences. Anyway, tomorrow we start school again, (on an A day of all things) and I know that I will be thinking back on things that happened this Spring Break for years to come. Life is beautiful. And when bad things happen it can be beautifully tragic or tragically beautiful; it's all a matter of perspective.

Waiting for...what?

I was working on some homework, and needed to use a link. It was taking a while to connect, and kept asking me to "Please wait." This prompted me to think more in depth about something I have mentally touched upon a few times this week.

It's true that we spend most of our lives waiting. Waiting for the bus to arrive, waiting for the school day to be over, waiting to get out of one thing before you can get to the next. However, despite all this forced wait, I've noticed that people don't voluntarily wait for other people as much as I have always believed was a matter of decency. People go on physically without even looking back for those they previously were associating. Some do not even wait for people to finish their sentence before they speak or formulate their own. Why not? What are we failing to do, if anything, when we don't wait for people? What are we choosing to do when we do wait? A few of the origins of the word wait originally meant to be awake, watch, or to guard. Which are we doing?

Just being awake, being aware of who is around us. Waiting on people usually means to serve them, to be there for their every request. Waiting on them hand and foot. Perhaps part of waiting for people is to be aware of their wants, to be ready for their requests, even if we cannot fulfill them. When we don't wait, are we simply expressing our lack of ability to fulfill their requests? Or are we simply refusing to be aware, or awake to, their needs and opinions?

To watch for something often fits our modern interpretation of the word wait. Watching for the completion or the commencement of a certain event. Watch is a very active word mentally, but usually not physically. When you watch for something, that thing usually takes precedence in our minds. Obviously, when you cease even to watch for a person once they have fallen behind, they have no such priority in your thoughts. When they fall behind in conversation or along the trail of cognitive exploration, do we sufficiently watch for their view? Do we put enough effort into watching to see their progression, or do we assume that either our speaking partner is thinking what we are, or they are too far lost or incorrect to help or consider?

How can we possibly be guarding someone when we wait for them? The only real answer I have been able to conjure up is that of guarding one emotionally. By showing that we are aware of their desires and watching where they are physically, emotionally, and cognitively, we provide a figurative place of belonging, or at least of acceptance. Acceptance, I believe, is one of the foremost emotional needs of any normal human being. I am not saying that by choosing not to wait, we destroy feelings of acceptance for anyone. I do believe, however, that this simple act gives a lot more comfort than we may realize. What do we comfort and guard from? Perhaps we guard from the harsh nature of the absolute speed of our world. Who does not feel passed by and caught in a rush of people, places, and responsibilities at one time or another? When we are waited for, it gives us a figurative rock in the rapids, someone we know will not rush away from us, even if the world does.

I am not offended when others don't wait for me. It strengthens independence. However, perhaps we could all wait a little more in thought, speech, and action for those who need the emotionally fortress we may be able to provide. Maybe we could all look out a bit more for those who silently cry out, "Please, wait".

Something Else to Feel

I cannot think of any emotion that is two dimensional. Not one can be taken at face value. Every emotion, I believe, is a molecule, and though the atoms exist within the different molecules, no one element can exist purely to itself. At least for me in my Earthly experience.

This week has been so very fun. LeggyK and I have had a blast, and while we realize that as the choir people come back, we will be constrained (or restrained) once again to sanity, I think it is probably a good thing. It's been marvelous to have a vacation and to go crazy with LeggyK. We are very similar in our idea of a good time. I have gotten to know her so much better. I really think I can say I feel comfortable to be myself around her, and comfortable to ask her to do things with me, which, I think, is the greatest compliment, and the greatest sign of friendship that I can think of. I hope we will always have chances to go on escapades and just go crazy. I am also very excited for Soccerball, Violin, and Cherry to get home. I am especially excited for Cherry's return. Despite common misconception, Cherry often has ideas and plans that rival my craziness. She usually plays the straight man in our duo, kind of like Soccerball for LeggyK. She has the role of laughing or being shocked at what I say. However, if she didn't also come up with crazy ideas, or go along with the crazy ideas I came up with, I don't think I would hang out with her very long. It's been amazing to see how well we can play off eachother, and how similarly we think, despite the disparity of our behaviors. Unfortunately, that sometimes provides an excess amount of comfort, in which we are able to say things about people that probably shouldn't be said...

Well, I could sit here and analyze my relationships with my friends all day, but it's late, and I've probably already said something to offend someone, although none of my thoughts have been negative...gah. Ok, funny story...(that will forever make me laugh)

oh, btw...222 posts!

Poor Beethoven...

Fur Elise, one of the most famous and most poignant of compositions, was written by a young man named Ludwig Van Beethoven. He spent hours perfecting it, making it better. As indicated by the title, he wrote it for Elise, the young lady he loved. She did not love him in return. I have always wondered if Beethoven was tempted to burn the piece and forget about it. Perhaps that's where he got the crazy hair. I've noticed that artistic people often have the most pity-inspiring or just depressing lives of all the human race (I would say that the most righteous have the hardest time, but they know what they are living for. These geniouses often do not.) In Psychology, we learned that the right brain is often more associated with negative feelings. This makes a TON of sense. Not only with the lives of these poor brilliant people, but also with the urge to create when I am sad. Hm.

More Purpose in Prayer

We heard today from Elder Robert D. Hales. I think this was the closest I've ever been to a general authority outside of the conference center. He said our stake is peculiar, and so he could say things that he couldn't say to other groups. He said many things that touched me, and I'm going to have to go over his words again tonight. Today I felt that I really need to find myself, and get to know me. I also feel like the only place I'm going to really find myself is if I'm with God. Figuratively, of course. "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I need to garnish my thoughts. Protect them, sanctify them, dedicate them. I need to stop worrying so much about the honor of the world. If no one were to care what I do, if all were to hate me, dispise me, or simply treat me with pity, would I be able to be confident in the Lord? If I were to find out that I am not anything I thought I was, would I be able to trust in the Lord to make of me what He will? Will I be able to deal with the fact that while I am part of a chosen generation, and even though I do have a purpose, that purpose may be a quiet one, a purpose in which I merely support those who lead, those who are chosen to teach? Is my purpose to learn? Is my purpose merely to love? Is my purpose to be humble and listen, and to cease to wonder why I am not chosen to speak? Or was that once my purpose, but I have somehow failed? Many are called and few are chosen. Will I be able to overcome pride and to serve the Lord even if I am not one of the chosen? I hope so.

L'Un Vers L'Autre

I LOVE e. e. cummings. His poetry seems so nonsensical, yet it is so complex, so meaningful. If you haven't read any e. e. cummings poems, or if you didn't even know he was a poet, you MUST read some of his poetry. And don't just skim over it, or else you'll say to yourself, "He had a mental disorder and English must have been an (almost) second language." But no. He was brilliant. So ha. And on to our next topic: I just had the greatest idea. It would be so funny to make a "Writer's Atlas" just making fun of the Writer's Almanac. Ok, so perhaps this is not the greatest idea, but consider this: the adaptive-level phenomenon would cause anyone to be excited over their best ideas even if they were not THE best ideas.