And what a life it is

I hope this and my journal, my own records, are testaments of the tender mercies of the Lord, just as Nephi's records are. This whole year, I've been blessed far beyond anything I deserved. I am beginning to see some of the blessings promised in my patriarchal blessing, as well as things I never dreamed I would receive. My only trials were caused by myself (which seems to be a trend for me) and my joys were rarely dependent upon my own hard work (ha that sounds exactly like the cognitive view of the cause of depression). This only causes me more gratitude for the wonderful way this year has turned out. Things have not gone the way I expected or planned. They have been even better.

Here's a list of blessings I actually worked for:

• Getting into BYU School of Music

Hm. Wow. What a list. Here's a list of things that have just come, some of which I didn't even see coming (or maybe see as blessings) until they were already in place:

• Friendships with Cherry and LeggyK. I never expected to gain any close friends this year, but those two are a couple of my favorite people ever. Senior year would have been unbearably dull without their company and crazy plans.
• Having a job this summer and for the rest of my college experience.
• Near campus housing during the summer and all through school.
• A greater love for those around me, and an ability to get along with those I never thought I would be able to.
• A chance to film the movie!
• The ability to survive. Like I said, though...the only thing I've really had to survive is the torture I put myself through.
• Being in A Cappella. I have enjoyed it immensly, and I'm not exactly sure why I don't get as annoyed with the whole situation as Cucumber and some others.
• Mr. Lyon! Haha need I say more?
• Opportunities to savor this last year of high school. I've had so many chances to relax and be a kid hanging out with friends. I can't even express how grateful I've been for that.
• Chances to make a difference for people. The best thing ever is when I can help someone spiritually or emotionally. There is nothing greater than to see or sense that smile of gratitude.
• A bit more humility. I hope.
• A better perspective for everything that happens: more hope about the future, less dependence on the past, and a greater appreciation for the present.

Post number 200

200 posts. As the frost once again blows its icy breath upon my car (sealing my fate of being late again tomorrow morning) I once again delve into the introspection of a magnificent landmark. 200 posts. Have I grown since the first? Undoubtedly. Have I learned? Have I developped? Pretty sure. Have I gotten myself into trouble? Countless times. Have I gotten myself out? Once in a while. I am reminded of a poem which has touched me several times, and its words have entered into my soul, to be used freely at the times when I am made aware of my own wretchedness. The poem is that of Edward Rowland Sill, The Fool's Prayer:

The royal feast was done; the King
Sought some new sport to banish care,
And to his jester cried: "Sir Fool,
Kneel now, and make for us a prayer!"

The jester doffed his cap and bells,
And stood the mocking court before;
They could not see the bitter smile
Behind the painted grin he wore.

He bowed his head, and bent his knee
Upon the Monarch's silken stool;
His pleading voice arose: "O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!

"No pity, Lord, could change the heart
From red with wrong to white as wool;
The rod must heal the sin: but Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!

"'Tis not by guilt the onward sweep
Of truth and right, O Lord, we stay;
'Tis by our follies that so long
We hold the earth from heaven away.

"These clumsy feet, still in the mire,
Go crushing blossoms without end;
These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust
Among the heart-strings of a friend.

"The ill-timed truth we might have kept--
Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
The word we had not sense to say--
Who knows how grandly it had rung!

"Our faults no tenderness should ask.
The chastening stripes must cleanse them all;
But for our blunders -- oh, in shame
Before the eyes of heaven we fall.

"Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;
Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool
That did his will; but Thou, O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!"

The room was hushed; in silence rose
The King, and sought his gardens cool,
And walked apart, and murmured low,
"Be merciful to me, a fool!"


O Lord, be merciful unto me, a fool.