Life is a huge cycle.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

Something happens. We are disappointed. This could be caused by a situation or by our own faults.

We try doing what felt good at first, but our disappointment makes us scared. No one wants to be hurt more times that they already have. Or, we realize we cannot feel good about what we have realized to be true. It must be resolved.

We doubt ourselves, and ask ourselves why we ever felt happy, if such disappointment was coming.

We make a new resolution. We have found the solution to all our problems.

The solution works for a little bit, while we are dedicated to making it so.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

20 Things I learned on Band Tour

1. "Flying to Neverland" can get you into trouble.
2. I'm not very good at following, although sometimes it's just easier to let someone else lead.
3. Mr. Lyon doesn't have it in him to get anyone back.
4. I'm not very good at getting to bed on time.
5. Social circumstances change constantly, and you have to adjust.
6. Buses suck all conversational ability out of me.
7. Grand plans don't always pan out.
8. The swings at amusement parks aren't all that bad.
9. Princesses are hard to find. (about as hard as the metaphorical prince)
10. I have the ability to use a purse. Don't mock me.
11. Don't give your friend both mustard and popcorn on the same night.
12. Indiana Jones is the best ride. Ever.
13. Don't pretend to be mad. It never turns out funny and it makes you look lame.
14. Pillow fights are about the greatest thing.
15. Don't ever hide in the closet. People get hurt that way.
16. Mr. Lyon is a soccer superstar.
17. Sam is a beachbum bird afraid of the water.
18. Being patient with people is not the same as being kind.
19. BTR's are overrated. Band tour went great without them.
20. Life is beautiful when you have a friend living it with you.

Sorry about all the vague descriptions and weird lists...I'm just not good at being specific about long periods of time, especially when they are so packed of awesome experiences. Anyway, tomorrow we start school again, (on an A day of all things) and I know that I will be thinking back on things that happened this Spring Break for years to come. Life is beautiful. And when bad things happen it can be beautifully tragic or tragically beautiful; it's all a matter of perspective.

Waiting for...what?

I was working on some homework, and needed to use a link. It was taking a while to connect, and kept asking me to "Please wait." This prompted me to think more in depth about something I have mentally touched upon a few times this week.

It's true that we spend most of our lives waiting. Waiting for the bus to arrive, waiting for the school day to be over, waiting to get out of one thing before you can get to the next. However, despite all this forced wait, I've noticed that people don't voluntarily wait for other people as much as I have always believed was a matter of decency. People go on physically without even looking back for those they previously were associating. Some do not even wait for people to finish their sentence before they speak or formulate their own. Why not? What are we failing to do, if anything, when we don't wait for people? What are we choosing to do when we do wait? A few of the origins of the word wait originally meant to be awake, watch, or to guard. Which are we doing?

Just being awake, being aware of who is around us. Waiting on people usually means to serve them, to be there for their every request. Waiting on them hand and foot. Perhaps part of waiting for people is to be aware of their wants, to be ready for their requests, even if we cannot fulfill them. When we don't wait, are we simply expressing our lack of ability to fulfill their requests? Or are we simply refusing to be aware, or awake to, their needs and opinions?

To watch for something often fits our modern interpretation of the word wait. Watching for the completion or the commencement of a certain event. Watch is a very active word mentally, but usually not physically. When you watch for something, that thing usually takes precedence in our minds. Obviously, when you cease even to watch for a person once they have fallen behind, they have no such priority in your thoughts. When they fall behind in conversation or along the trail of cognitive exploration, do we sufficiently watch for their view? Do we put enough effort into watching to see their progression, or do we assume that either our speaking partner is thinking what we are, or they are too far lost or incorrect to help or consider?

How can we possibly be guarding someone when we wait for them? The only real answer I have been able to conjure up is that of guarding one emotionally. By showing that we are aware of their desires and watching where they are physically, emotionally, and cognitively, we provide a figurative place of belonging, or at least of acceptance. Acceptance, I believe, is one of the foremost emotional needs of any normal human being. I am not saying that by choosing not to wait, we destroy feelings of acceptance for anyone. I do believe, however, that this simple act gives a lot more comfort than we may realize. What do we comfort and guard from? Perhaps we guard from the harsh nature of the absolute speed of our world. Who does not feel passed by and caught in a rush of people, places, and responsibilities at one time or another? When we are waited for, it gives us a figurative rock in the rapids, someone we know will not rush away from us, even if the world does.

I am not offended when others don't wait for me. It strengthens independence. However, perhaps we could all wait a little more in thought, speech, and action for those who need the emotionally fortress we may be able to provide. Maybe we could all look out a bit more for those who silently cry out, "Please, wait".

More Purpose in Prayer

We heard today from Elder Robert D. Hales. I think this was the closest I've ever been to a general authority outside of the conference center. He said our stake is peculiar, and so he could say things that he couldn't say to other groups. He said many things that touched me, and I'm going to have to go over his words again tonight. Today I felt that I really need to find myself, and get to know me. I also feel like the only place I'm going to really find myself is if I'm with God. Figuratively, of course. "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I need to garnish my thoughts. Protect them, sanctify them, dedicate them. I need to stop worrying so much about the honor of the world. If no one were to care what I do, if all were to hate me, dispise me, or simply treat me with pity, would I be able to be confident in the Lord? If I were to find out that I am not anything I thought I was, would I be able to trust in the Lord to make of me what He will? Will I be able to deal with the fact that while I am part of a chosen generation, and even though I do have a purpose, that purpose may be a quiet one, a purpose in which I merely support those who lead, those who are chosen to teach? Is my purpose to learn? Is my purpose merely to love? Is my purpose to be humble and listen, and to cease to wonder why I am not chosen to speak? Or was that once my purpose, but I have somehow failed? Many are called and few are chosen. Will I be able to overcome pride and to serve the Lord even if I am not one of the chosen? I hope so.

For you.

Never again.
I've seen my mistakes:
Risks I'll never take,
As long as I want to stay sane.

Never again.
Turn away from the past,
Let this will power last,
And not be as normal in vain.

Never again.
I will be who I am,
Not the lovestruck lamb
Who cries till her cheeks are all stained.

Never again.
Take the languor away,
And do what he may,
My detachment will be plain,

For never again
Will I give up
The confidence built up
At times I was free,
And left to be me!
I'll fight every feeling,
Ne'er be sent wheeling
For some blue-eyed grafter,
Or cold-hearted shafter
Who leaves in a hurry
When things come out blurry,
And gives every reason
For disinterested treason
He can beg and protest
With all of the best
Or lie down at State Street and Main,

But I will not be moved,
And I think I have proved
That to me he's now just a bane,
And can say to my once worthy swain:

"Never again!"

haha it kinda sounds like a song from a musical...maybe lengthened...Anyway, I think that explains a lot. It's not meant to be depressing, really. And for me it's not. Never again! I am an independent daughter of God, and I don't need to let myself be pained out of some faux nobility. I've been stupid and naive, and I need to grow up. So I'm growing up. Trying to lose some melodrama. My life is not some novel, so I need to stop trying to put myself through the classic cycle of aggrivation to get to the happy ending. so HA HA HA I'm doing just what I'll bet you've been wanting for a while, but only because I want to! I can only say this: I know with a surety that you will, and probably do regret much of what you've done. All of it could be justified, but I would like to say that I really think you could have handled it better. And in all honesty, I've done a lot of stupid things myself. We're old enough not to act like that. So there. You probably won't even read this, but just in case: I'm sorry for my part. I forgive you for your part. But I'm not in any state of mind, nor will be for a while, to have much to do with you at all.