I just love life! Wee!

Uh...is there anything to add to that? Not really. I really just feel happy. Happy! Even though I suddenly have to work 8-5 every single weekday of the break! Even though I probably got really bad grades this past semester! Even though I totally failed at the email thing! Life is beautiful. And there's really nothing we can do to about it, except to blind ourselves to the fact.

I keep on chasing the wrong things

So it seems that I'm wrong,
'Cause you said that I would never want for anything again.
But my eyes are set low,
And I'm holding to the thing I know I can't keep.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be!
I keep on learning the hard way: from every mistake,
And I'm finding each time that you fall,
You're just becoming who you are

So it seems that I'm wrong,
'Cause I keep on searching for the answers that I don't need,
That I know I don't need.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be.
I keep on learning the hard way: from every mistake.
I'm finding each time that you fall,
You're just becoming who you are.


No, I did not write these lyrics. But they speak to me in a way that only truth can. I've been chasing all of the wrong dreams, and seeking all the answers I don't need! These are all things I already have, or don't need right now! Gee whiz. It is so easy to get depressed in this world. I just have to let myself be happy!

Life is a huge cycle.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

Something happens. We are disappointed. This could be caused by a situation or by our own faults.

We try doing what felt good at first, but our disappointment makes us scared. No one wants to be hurt more times that they already have. Or, we realize we cannot feel good about what we have realized to be true. It must be resolved.

We doubt ourselves, and ask ourselves why we ever felt happy, if such disappointment was coming.

We make a new resolution. We have found the solution to all our problems.

The solution works for a little bit, while we are dedicated to making it so.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I have
This disease.
But it's not contagious, don't worry.
You keep your distance, and I guess I can see where you're coming from. I can kind of understand why you wouldn't want to be around me, at least while I have
This disease.

I'm sorry I'm not
the same anymore.
But someday it might go away.
You can see my face light up at the sight of you, and you see my hands and knees trembling. You see my eyes glisten and you know why things between us aren't
the same anymore.

I'm sorry
you don't feel the same.
But when I think about it, I'm kind of glad you aren't as sick.
People get along much better when they are both afflicted, but it also means that neither can nurse the other. So maybe I really am happy that
you don't feel the same.

I'm sorry I can't hide
my disease.
But if it gets any worse, I'll quarantine myself.
Because there are no doctors who can prescribe, no apothecaries to cure such a petrifying malady. So please be patient as I bear through
my disease.

I hear it's only fatal sometimes.

Post number 250.

How could the stereotype be true?
I suppose I shall simply accept the fact and move on. No, more like accept the fact and FREAK OUT!!
Everyone's getting married! Married! AHH! I'm not ready yet, and I suppose I don't have to be, but I feel a little awkward in my delayed stage of life while so many others are moving ahead. Oh well. Being a kid was always more fun anyway.

Living in the clouds

When you're living in the clouds, it sometimes gets hard to breathe. The butterflies in my stomach sometimes try to fly away with me. Jumping for joy can lead to injuries. Dreamy can often be just that: a dream.

But this time, that's ok.

Yet another song, "Stars and Moon and Sun"

Here's another song I wrote. I'm just going to write in the lyrics for now, and then some other time I'll add the chords, because it takes so much time to align them on the screen. They're good, I assure you, haha.

You smile, you laugh
And though they'll never see
You know it's true:
That though you talk to them,
You think of him,
And he doesn't think of you.

So while you're dreaming in the dark,
Don't let your gazing go too far
In his eyes.


You hope, you plan,
You read lots of romance,
You even dance with him,
But you know it all ends at the dance.

So while you feel the pain of waking up,
Remember you were never good enough
In his eyes.

He isn't all he seems;
He's just the product of your lonely dreams.
Just find somebody who will set you free.
You can have the guy who didn't want me!

*Instrumental break*

Soon you will see
That you are absolutely beautiful,
And everything besides:
You'll be funny, smart,
And wonderful.

Soon you will see that you're the one.
You'll be the stars and moon and sun
In his eyes.

In his eyes.

Teardrops on my Guitar

There are so many sad love songs. Is it just because it takes us all so long to get it right? And when it's right for one, it's not always right for the other. So we get another sad love song. And another stupid girl who can relate to it. Hm. What craziness.

We truly are crazy creatures.

What seems so simple to our minds is a world of confusion and conflicting feelings for our poor silly hearts. And then what seems simple to our hearts gets all muddled and clouded by our need to reason it out.

Is there nothing simple for both the heart and the mind? Why is it that neither can ever be sure of either the moment or the outcome?

If only outright honesty was always the best policy. I've found that in situations like these, it is so easy to be honest with him or her...and yet I suppose for whatever reason, imagined or valid, we can't say anything. I wish there were more implicit instructions. When I know what to do, it's easy to do it.

Why I'm Cold.

I am cold because I am not circulating well. I do not circulate well when I am unhappy. So, in order to explain to myself why the room feels so frigid, I must begin by reminding myself of why I am unhappy. Perhaps in isolating these causes, I may be able to identify solutions for each.

1. I hate my house.
This is partly because I often have strong feelings the girl who lives here , and she is the only one who seems able to tolerate being here. Every day I see more reasons why no one comes to visit, and there really isn't anyone to blame, but now I am stuck alone in a place I don't like to be.

2. I hate most of my classes.
I feel like I'm not learning anything, and maybe that's my fault. But why did I work so hard to get here, and why am I working so hard now if I feel as if I'm only digressing?

3. I am skipping many things I physically need.
Tonight is the second night I skipped dinner due to lack of time. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I am not able to sleep when I have the time to, because I am either freaking out about what happened before and what will happen after.

4. Friends are slipping out of reach.
Enough said. It seems that often my most sincere efforts go unnoticed or unfruitful.

5. I feel alone.
The people I talked to about life, the people who put me back together again when I felt like I was falling apart, all seem so far away. The times I need them the most are the times when they are the farthest away. And while they are just an email away, I feel stupid writing something they won't get until I've accepted that life stinks, or they will just feel an excess amount of worry. I don't know. There's no one to talk to in person.

6. I'm really cold.

My Way Home

here's a song I wrote a couple days ago.

Intro
Em A D (2x)

Verse 1
D G A D
You were the one who found me alone

D G A D
You came and brought me into a love of my own.

Chorus
Em A Bm
Walking in the dark was nothing new.

Em A D
But walking by myself was hard to do.

G Em A
I'll be content to stay

G Em A
If I'll see you again today.

Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Verse 2
D G A D
You loved and left me with a bag of goodbyes

D G A D
'Cause you were much too good to be caught up in lovely lies.

Bridge
G D A D
You hold the answer to the question: "Was it real?"

G D A
And if the answer is no, I guess I know

G Em G A
How wonderful a dream can feel.

Instrumental
Em A D (2x)

Chorus
Em A Bm
Walking in the dark is nothing new

Em A D
But walking by myself is hard to do.

G Em A
I'd be content to stay

G Em A
If you say you'll be back someday;


Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Em A
I'm on my way

D (3+6)
Home.

A College Update

The difficulty of college has resulted in a lot of realizations. These conclusions have included the following:

1. I'm not very good at time efficiency.
2. I'm not quite as good at the trumpet has I had come to believe by the end of senior year.
3. You don't have to be a child prodigy to make it into BYU music school. Only a couple of the people here are UBER amazing.
4. I really really love my family, and my home contains a spirit which is not found anywhere else in my life at this point.
5. I thought I loved my friends before, but I now have a tenderness for almost every one that I may have experienced only a couple of times before. I could make lists upon lists of reasons and certain events which have put you all on my list of favorite people ever. Little things that I may not have noticed before now mean worlds. Ok, time for more lists!


Things that are hard:

1. At times there is too much to do in one day than is humanly possible.
<>
3. My most loyal, constant friends are as busy as I am, and seemingly far away. So while I have a deeper relationship with them than I thought I might have, I see them less often.


A few things that have really meant a lot to me:

1. Annelise's quiet loyalty. She came to my concert and my little "girls' night", and just those things alone made me realize how much her constancy and love mean to me.
2. (Woops. I forgot to delete that one too :D ) Nothing very secret or scandelous. Just embarrassing.
3. BreeAnne finally needs help! haha I just adore helping friends, and BreeAnne always seemed to help me instead (her being more popular, on top of things, etc.) But now she's having a really hard time in college and feels really lonely. So, while I definitely do not joy in her sorrow, I do relish this opportunity to do something concrete for a friend.
4. Bryan's continued correspondence and trust. I think that no matter how long it has been since we've talked, he will always retain a talent for making me feel like we have a deep mutual friendship. Which I hope we always do.
5. Natalie's Voicemails. They are so much fun!
6. Rachel always remembering to include me. She is the best twin ever!
6. Lisa's consistent emails. It means so much to me to still be connected, even if it is in such a distant manner. I had hoped so hard for just such a connection, because I saw too many classes graduate, and too many people who never communicated to anyone still in high school. So I saw too often that everyone forgot about those people. Not permanently, of course, just the whole out of sight, out of mind deal. But now that we have broken through that trend, it gives me a hope for the ideal: Friends Forever. Maybe that term doesn't have to hold the same cold irony and hypocrisy for my friends and I as it does for almost every other friendship.

If you're not on this list, or if you don't appreciate what I wrote, let me know. Either it was so late that I forgot one of the most important parts of my life (as happens often) or we just need to talk more!

What I really need

I want to make something really cool! Like Casterbridge! Or something really funny. Kinda like Casterbridge. Or maybe something really beautiful. Like...ok, not like Casterbridge, haha.

I really need a project. Again.

Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

A Perfect Day

It was beautiful. Here's a list of things that made it the best day, at least of the week:

• Didn't have to wait to cross the street. Either time.
• Got to work on time, and didn't even have to walk fast.
• Not too many problems, confusions at work.
• Daniel not there; I got to use the compy
• We ordered more stickyback sleeves. Each box comes with a handful of candy!
• I got to see the random little office of BYU Central Stores. It's so central, it's in the middle of a building for something else!
• I unexpectedly was let out at 2:30 for graduation!
• The cookies I cooked turned out pretty good.
• I went to DoT, and saw many of my favorite people.
• I went to Music Man, and saw even more of my favorite people.
• When Clayzy was having trouble finding the coupon we needed, I made a gesture and said "appear!" The next second, she pulled it out.
• We sat behind LeggyK and Aubrey. LeggyK and I laughed quite a bit.
• I even shared an inside joke with Soccerball in the middle of the show.
• I got to play with LeggyK's camera at intermission!
  
• Mariel was so cute and gave me a great big hug.
• The OHS Marching Band welcomed me with love, and even played a song in my honor! I think Carry On will now be one of my very favorite songs.

What a night...

Well, I've had the same two people haunting my dreams for the past little while. I decided I wanted to be distracted from the worries I've been having about them, so I began to read New Moon. I knew I wouldn't be able to put it down. And I didn't. At least, not until I was exhausted and almost all the way through the book at 3:30am. During the few hours of sleep, I dreamed about places and people I don't remember, but in the end I was back in my apartment talking to Watermelon and Clarissa. There might have been a third person, but I'm not sure. I just remember saying to them "New Moon is like the story of my life. Without the physical contact, of course." For some reason, I said it three times. I woke up, and rushed to work, not only trying to be on time, but trying to distract myself from the things that once again began to creep into my mind. So, trying to think of something else, I thought about my strange dream. And I knew it was true.

I know that finishing the book will not tell me the end of my story. As I've thought about different aspects of the book, and more and more of them fit into this parallel of my life at this point, it's been a relief to think that maybe my book has a happy ending in this regard as well. I definitely am not as melodramatic as Bella is anymore. That ended for the most part after junior high. However, I must admit that every once in a while, the wound she describes applies to me: I'm metaphorically just as full of holes.

How to Save a Life

I don't really know yet; I'm still trying to figure it out.

On the one hand, isn't this supposed to be a part of life? Losing people after high school?
On the other, aren't the associations we have in this life carried on to the next, as stated by Joseph Smith? Doesn't that mean we should do our utmost to improve these associations as far as it is possible?

And...why do I feel so different from everyone else? Why does it seem that the secrets I keep inside myself never match up with any stories I hear? Why does it seem that the deepest parts of me are so disagreed with, at least by the actions of everyone around me?

Is it too vain to assume that I really am as different as it appears to my careful comparisons?

Oh. We watched Nancy Drew last night. I pretty much fell in love with Ned.

Ups and Downs

Well, today some great things are happening!

• The batches are relatively small and running comparatively smoothly.
• An extremely attractive and unmarried boy came to pick up his order, and Daniel wasn't here to take over. His name was Brett. He reminded me of someone I know.
• That Asian girl to whom I give the CD's when I'm done made me laugh because she was practically begging me to get a batch done so she wouldn't have to do coiling. It wasn't my fault, and I was able to give the batch to her right there.
• Daniel and Ed left for the Afternoon, so I am here to run this room as I please!
• I am getting through the small orders which will be picked up today.
• There's a speeches order! Nick's coming!
• I had a very tasty lunch.

But there are some things that make me sad.

• DoT is not yet planned for this week, and guess who gets to do it?
  
• I haven't heard from Cherry or a couple other people in a long time.
• Cavin doesn't even notice me.
• Grandma really doesn't want me to go to the singles' ward yet.
• 
  
• What the random blue dots?
  

Contrasts Create Conviviality

No matter how small an event may seem in normal situations, when surrounded by a wasteland of boredom and solitude, these events can become surprisingly - perhaps dangerously - consequential.

Case in Point.
At work I am alone most of the day. I live with my grandmother, and while she is nice to talk to, the burnings of youthful souls begin to be quenched by the damp, disappointed dreams of the old (refer to Phoebe in House of Seven Gables for a prime example). Now, the scene is set. Nothing can happen but something to excite.
One day, I was working diligently, and there was no sound except for the sound of footsteps past my small cave of solitude. Then, what ho? The footsteps stop at my door. I turn, and there is someone here to talk to me! He is young, blond, tall, and not bad looking at all. But, what is most exciting is that, unlike most men I see here on campus, he is unmarried! What luck!
He tells me that he is taking over for Heather, the girl who worked for Speeches and would come over here every day. She never spoke to me, only to Daniel. I am thrilled to hear this news!
This man, who later introduced himself as Nick, has been so nice and funny about everything I have done for him (business-wise, of course) that I find myself thinking about his daily visit at random times. Now, you're thinking, "Orange. You just have a dumb crush on him. Stop boring us." But that is not true. The point is, I don't have a crush on him, he is just a way for my poor bored mind to escape and excite itself!

So, my moral to the story...
Boredom is dangerous. It can get you into trouble.

If you are not convinced of my moral, just read Ethan Frome. He got way too bored and lonely in Starkfield for his own good. Boredom caused him to marry Zeena. Fortunately, I don't think I'm quite bored enough to marry Nick.

Haha but Nick did come in singing "Good morning" one day. It was pretty cool.

I'm Rich! Finally!

So...my scholarships are making it so that I don't really have to pay that much for tuition. For a couple weeks, then, I worked hard to earn my tuition money. So now...I'm just earning money for food and fun. Unfortunately, this means that I'm working for money that I'm not going to have the time to spend the way I want. Also, when I'm at work, I won't want to work as hard because it seems so pointless to be piling on the money! hehe.

Well...I'm pretty much really sick of just sitting around. There's really absolutely nothing work-like for me to do here sometimes. I think I'll get out my book and read.

Somehow friends make everything better.

Nuff said. Sanity would be a difficult task without friends to talk to.

Go Down Hard

My head hurts. This is because I stayed up late after cleaning up after a party I enjoyed very much. Then, I woke up early to shower and go to work. I even woke up early enough to get to work early! Now, this was part of my plan. I always stretch myself as far as I can go.

I'm trying to be everything to everyone! I'm trying to be everyone's friend at once, and the best friend I can be to a select few. I think I have finally found the people I want to hang on to for the rest of forever. Still, doing just a little for a lot of people takes time. I've got things planned with other people every day for six days in a row. That, on top of work, makes it hard for me to keep up with all the chores I have to do at my new apartment: laundry, dishes, cleaning.

Am I going to change my ways? No. I might even become more like this. I will very likely plan myself nearly to death, take a break, then do it again. It works for me. I need to stay busy, and this is one way to do it. I take my breaks when I need them (or when I let myself need them.) Each thing I do is a break from the other things I do, so I can be everywhere and not get tired of it. Rehearsals for the concert at Abravanell Hall is balanced out by being a private teacher. Work is balanced by DoT and the concert. Chores are balanced out by house sitting. The only thing I have trouble fitting into my schedule is sleep.

So, my week's schedule? It looks like I've got myself down to work hard all day, and than play hard all night. I'm excited.

random thought:

Dual monitors are so cool, but in most cases unnecessary.

My Good Opinion, Once Gained...

So I've moved out. And I'm working full time. It's not all that bad. But why do I feel so alienated from the human race?

Because earning money is the only thing I do all day!

I do not help people much; I don't have time. I do not comfort people; I'm not there for them. I wish there was some way I could be everything to everyone and still earn money!

When I am a musician, I will have my own schedule. Most of that schedule will be dedicated to being a friend, and hopefully a wife and mother someday. I can't write music when my actions, and therefore thoughts, are so centered upon an activity which serves only myself!

Senior year was so great because I got to spend it with and spend so much of it doing things for such wonderful people. Psychology was a class I took so that I could help others. I do music not only for my own enjoyment, but so that I can share that love with other people .

I am a people person. I am centered on the social aspect, and the people involved with every facet of life. This makes it hard for me to focus on school. This makes it hard for me to focus on doing things that improve my own life. My mom said one time, "you not only aren't vain about your awards, but you seem to avoid them and hate them all together!" I laughed. It was hard for me to focus on doing all the things required to get into college, and I almost lost a scholarship I had earned because I just wasn't focused.

Now, I have to focus on work for most of my day. How very against my nature. If I complain a lot, that's why.

I'm listening to the last song of my last high school dance. It's cheesy beyond measure, but I really hope at least some of us are "friends forever." Don't be surprised if I visit any of you randomly. I miss you.

What a worried web is the college registration process...

Almost all the classes are full at BYU, my registration date still hasn't come up, and I need to register for all morning classes for my job to work out!!! I'm really freaking out, and I'm not sure how well this is all going to work out. I'm going to survive, but I don't know about anything else. And I'm moving soon. And I'm going into my job again today...I just wish I had some stability. Oh well. I just need to breathe. BREATHE...

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

I need a project. I need...something to do, something to focus on besides the end. "I'm becoming part of the past." I need to be more grateful, more hopeful. Oh help me.

When we're young we set our minds upon some beautiful idea

What a bummer evening. I'm done with everything. And don't feel satisfied in any frivelous activities. And I'm too distracted to do the optional (though difficult) activities I had planned on.

Oh, strange illusions...thou art my downfall.

I'm doing my best...but at this point, it all seems...futile. Notice the ellipses? Yeah. That communicates my lack of understanding of my own feelings. No, I lied. I understand. I just disapprove. AH! I just said "Good heavens, child." to myself! What am I to do with a self as strange as mine?

I think I'm just going to have to buckle down and get myself to be satisfied socially. I go through cycles...mostly, (this year, anyway) it's been euphoric. But...sometimes it's just not enough. And I know it will never be enough until something is guaranteed. But that only happens never. So, self, be happy. You've got what you've always dreamed of. Well, most of it.

And what a life it is

I hope this and my journal, my own records, are testaments of the tender mercies of the Lord, just as Nephi's records are. This whole year, I've been blessed far beyond anything I deserved. I am beginning to see some of the blessings promised in my patriarchal blessing, as well as things I never dreamed I would receive. My only trials were caused by myself (which seems to be a trend for me) and my joys were rarely dependent upon my own hard work (ha that sounds exactly like the cognitive view of the cause of depression). This only causes me more gratitude for the wonderful way this year has turned out. Things have not gone the way I expected or planned. They have been even better.

Here's a list of blessings I actually worked for:

• Getting into BYU School of Music

Hm. Wow. What a list. Here's a list of things that have just come, some of which I didn't even see coming (or maybe see as blessings) until they were already in place:

• Friendships with Cherry and LeggyK. I never expected to gain any close friends this year, but those two are a couple of my favorite people ever. Senior year would have been unbearably dull without their company and crazy plans.
• Having a job this summer and for the rest of my college experience.
• Near campus housing during the summer and all through school.
• A greater love for those around me, and an ability to get along with those I never thought I would be able to.
• A chance to film the movie!
• The ability to survive. Like I said, though...the only thing I've really had to survive is the torture I put myself through.
• Being in A Cappella. I have enjoyed it immensly, and I'm not exactly sure why I don't get as annoyed with the whole situation as Cucumber and some others.
• Mr. Lyon! Haha need I say more?
• Opportunities to savor this last year of high school. I've had so many chances to relax and be a kid hanging out with friends. I can't even express how grateful I've been for that.
• Chances to make a difference for people. The best thing ever is when I can help someone spiritually or emotionally. There is nothing greater than to see or sense that smile of gratitude.
• A bit more humility. I hope.
• A better perspective for everything that happens: more hope about the future, less dependence on the past, and a greater appreciation for the present.

20 Things I learned on Band Tour

1. "Flying to Neverland" can get you into trouble.
2. I'm not very good at following, although sometimes it's just easier to let someone else lead.
3. Mr. Lyon doesn't have it in him to get anyone back.
4. I'm not very good at getting to bed on time.
5. Social circumstances change constantly, and you have to adjust.
6. Buses suck all conversational ability out of me.
7. Grand plans don't always pan out.
8. The swings at amusement parks aren't all that bad.
9. Princesses are hard to find. (about as hard as the metaphorical prince)
10. I have the ability to use a purse. Don't mock me.
11. Don't give your friend both mustard and popcorn on the same night.
12. Indiana Jones is the best ride. Ever.
13. Don't pretend to be mad. It never turns out funny and it makes you look lame.
14. Pillow fights are about the greatest thing.
15. Don't ever hide in the closet. People get hurt that way.
16. Mr. Lyon is a soccer superstar.
17. Sam is a beachbum bird afraid of the water.
18. Being patient with people is not the same as being kind.
19. BTR's are overrated. Band tour went great without them.
20. Life is beautiful when you have a friend living it with you.

Sorry about all the vague descriptions and weird lists...I'm just not good at being specific about long periods of time, especially when they are so packed of awesome experiences. Anyway, tomorrow we start school again, (on an A day of all things) and I know that I will be thinking back on things that happened this Spring Break for years to come. Life is beautiful. And when bad things happen it can be beautifully tragic or tragically beautiful; it's all a matter of perspective.

BAND TOUR

I will not try to give a minute by minute or even day by day breakdown of what went on on band tour. Let it suffice that friendships were strengthened, things were learned, and fun was had! It was such a beautiful time, and I think that, unless some other crazy awesome things happen, this was kind of the climax of my senior year. Socially, anyway. I am REALLY going to miss all this. Good thing I'm making time to drink it all in. As soon as summer hits, though, I'll be an adult. And I'll have to act like it.

Waiting for...what?

I was working on some homework, and needed to use a link. It was taking a while to connect, and kept asking me to "Please wait." This prompted me to think more in depth about something I have mentally touched upon a few times this week.

It's true that we spend most of our lives waiting. Waiting for the bus to arrive, waiting for the school day to be over, waiting to get out of one thing before you can get to the next. However, despite all this forced wait, I've noticed that people don't voluntarily wait for other people as much as I have always believed was a matter of decency. People go on physically without even looking back for those they previously were associating. Some do not even wait for people to finish their sentence before they speak or formulate their own. Why not? What are we failing to do, if anything, when we don't wait for people? What are we choosing to do when we do wait? A few of the origins of the word wait originally meant to be awake, watch, or to guard. Which are we doing?

Just being awake, being aware of who is around us. Waiting on people usually means to serve them, to be there for their every request. Waiting on them hand and foot. Perhaps part of waiting for people is to be aware of their wants, to be ready for their requests, even if we cannot fulfill them. When we don't wait, are we simply expressing our lack of ability to fulfill their requests? Or are we simply refusing to be aware, or awake to, their needs and opinions?

To watch for something often fits our modern interpretation of the word wait. Watching for the completion or the commencement of a certain event. Watch is a very active word mentally, but usually not physically. When you watch for something, that thing usually takes precedence in our minds. Obviously, when you cease even to watch for a person once they have fallen behind, they have no such priority in your thoughts. When they fall behind in conversation or along the trail of cognitive exploration, do we sufficiently watch for their view? Do we put enough effort into watching to see their progression, or do we assume that either our speaking partner is thinking what we are, or they are too far lost or incorrect to help or consider?

How can we possibly be guarding someone when we wait for them? The only real answer I have been able to conjure up is that of guarding one emotionally. By showing that we are aware of their desires and watching where they are physically, emotionally, and cognitively, we provide a figurative place of belonging, or at least of acceptance. Acceptance, I believe, is one of the foremost emotional needs of any normal human being. I am not saying that by choosing not to wait, we destroy feelings of acceptance for anyone. I do believe, however, that this simple act gives a lot more comfort than we may realize. What do we comfort and guard from? Perhaps we guard from the harsh nature of the absolute speed of our world. Who does not feel passed by and caught in a rush of people, places, and responsibilities at one time or another? When we are waited for, it gives us a figurative rock in the rapids, someone we know will not rush away from us, even if the world does.

I am not offended when others don't wait for me. It strengthens independence. However, perhaps we could all wait a little more in thought, speech, and action for those who need the emotionally fortress we may be able to provide. Maybe we could all look out a bit more for those who silently cry out, "Please, wait".

Yay for General Conference

I loved General Conference. I heard what I needed as well as what I wanted. Sometime I'll write some things I learned but I'm tired right now. I wish I could make my compositions work...they are just flawed somehow. I'm really not sure.

Something Else to Feel

I cannot think of any emotion that is two dimensional. Not one can be taken at face value. Every emotion, I believe, is a molecule, and though the atoms exist within the different molecules, no one element can exist purely to itself. At least for me in my Earthly experience.

This week has been so very fun. LeggyK and I have had a blast, and while we realize that as the choir people come back, we will be constrained (or restrained) once again to sanity, I think it is probably a good thing. It's been marvelous to have a vacation and to go crazy with LeggyK. We are very similar in our idea of a good time. I have gotten to know her so much better. I really think I can say I feel comfortable to be myself around her, and comfortable to ask her to do things with me, which, I think, is the greatest compliment, and the greatest sign of friendship that I can think of. I hope we will always have chances to go on escapades and just go crazy. I am also very excited for Soccerball, Violin, and Cherry to get home. I am especially excited for Cherry's return. Despite common misconception, Cherry often has ideas and plans that rival my craziness. She usually plays the straight man in our duo, kind of like Soccerball for LeggyK. She has the role of laughing or being shocked at what I say. However, if she didn't also come up with crazy ideas, or go along with the crazy ideas I came up with, I don't think I would hang out with her very long. It's been amazing to see how well we can play off eachother, and how similarly we think, despite the disparity of our behaviors. Unfortunately, that sometimes provides an excess amount of comfort, in which we are able to say things about people that probably shouldn't be said...

Well, I could sit here and analyze my relationships with my friends all day, but it's late, and I've probably already said something to offend someone, although none of my thoughts have been negative...gah. Ok, funny story...(that will forever make me laugh)

oh, btw...222 posts!

You smell shiny...

I was just wondering if it was possible to be bored of a person. I thought first of the people I have known the longest...am I bored of them? Not at all. The people I am around the most? Am I bored of them? If anything, the opposite. Then I thought about anyone I might be bored of, at least bored of their company. I realized that it is the people I spend the least amount of time with who bore me. There are a couple reasons for this that I can see. I don't spend time with people who bore me. There's also the fact that people change. When you watch how a person grows, that's exciting. And when you know a person well, there's always something going on in their life that affects you, and visa versa. How not boring.

PS I got a BYU music scholarship

Hydrogen in my Cheerios

I just love giving titles to things. I think I could see myself writing billions of little essays and things simply to give them all funny/weird titles. I sometimes feel that life is so good that I'm going to start spewing bubbles of happiness from my mouth, ears, etc. Soccerball, LeggyK, Violin, Cherry, and I have had such fun times lately. And most other things make me extremely happy as well. There are some stresses, some causes for anxiety and constant decision making, but overall, I can do nothing but to say that there is an immense amount of beauty in the world, and I'm drinking in all I can. I haven't written a good list in a while, now. Here's the ten songs that make me the most giddy:

1. Drops of Jupiter
2. When Did You Fall (In Love With Me)
3. For Once in My Life
4. The First Time I Danced
5. Give a Little Bit
6. What a Wonderful World
7. Accidentally In Love
8. You're Still You
9. For Good
10. As Lovers Go

Ah. Meaning a tranquil scream. What am I to do? Well, I really wouldn't do anything, except that this could spoil all my plans, all my beautiful hopes. Meh. Well, I've got some time. Ha! I think I know what I could do! I think I'll run the idea past my advisors tomorrow...But what if I'm totally wrong? No. Not possible at this point. I can be oblivious and paranoid, but this is way beyond guessing. This is recognizing the obvious. I mean really. Haha whenever I write down a list or something, my subject afterwards is completely different from the subject at the top. That's just because my thought process evolves during my listing, I suppose. Anyway, about mine problem...it's really rather selfish of me, I suppose. Still, are my hopes to be shoved out to accomodate for another's? No. I can hope, but it might be going too far to interfere consciously and premeditatedly.

"Find another friend and you discard" Have I done this? Oh, I hope not.

My energy resevoir is overflowing. I need to do something with it. I am having trouble, however, channeling this energy into anything constructive. *sob* I guess I'll just have to blow up from an overdose of enthusiasm.

Oh how beautiful

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

To look into their eyes and see acceptance.
To be assured by their smiles.
To be hugged and know you are safe.

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

To look into their eyes and see assistance.
To be relieved by their smiles.
To be hugged and know you are healed.

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

To look into their eyes and see joy.
To be thanked by their smiles.
To be hugged and know you are loved.

How beautiful it is to have a friend.

-Eliza Woodhouse

Contemplation

I feel kinda like a pruned rosebush. At the very peak of my bloom, and bright happiness, the winter came, and all my flowers were cut away. I will grow back. And I suppose no one meant any menace in the pruning. But it does hurt. It's ok, though. Weekends don't always have to be fun, I guess. Being alone...like the number 3 in a bowl of alphabet soup.

Having some

The road is growing straighter,
And rocks now cease to tear,
But the light is growing dimmer,
True vision now is rare.

Is there a street sign to guide my way?
No.
Is there torch to bring the light of day?
No.

Courage is all there is to gain.
Peace is all there is to feign.
E'en if all the hope in me is vain,
It's better than not having any.

-Emma Woodhouse

You all, everybody

Google tells me almost daily..."You have no events scheduled today." hm. Well, I guess that's pretty much true. Usually. Except this week has been absolutely crazy. It's been fun though. Absolutely wonderful. Well, I really need to get to the matinee.

What we've all been waiting for...

Ok, just me. I'm once again using 0% of my gmail account's storage. Woot. That's what I call rationing. Also, my friend bestowed her domain name upon me (because I liked it so much) and you can find a link to it in my links section. It's basically being used for my "artistic endeavors". So...whatever. Today was a TON of fun. I really enjoyed almost everything I did today. Honestly. I really love my friends. I love the times when it seems like everything is going just the way I planned them. Mentally, of course. I'm spending time with friends, getting to know new friends, mending things (even imaginary things) with old friends. I just want to smile all day. Every day. Well, I'd betsa get goin. (oh, btw, ClearType on Internet Explorer 7 is REALLY nice. I like it a lot)

Wandering through wonderland

The Cheshire cat was right...you only know which way to go if you know where you want to end up. I suppose it's good to choose a definate direction even if you're not quite sure of the destination.

Poor Beethoven...

Fur Elise, one of the most famous and most poignant of compositions, was written by a young man named Ludwig Van Beethoven. He spent hours perfecting it, making it better. As indicated by the title, he wrote it for Elise, the young lady he loved. She did not love him in return. I have always wondered if Beethoven was tempted to burn the piece and forget about it. Perhaps that's where he got the crazy hair. I've noticed that artistic people often have the most pity-inspiring or just depressing lives of all the human race (I would say that the most righteous have the hardest time, but they know what they are living for. These geniouses often do not.) In Psychology, we learned that the right brain is often more associated with negative feelings. This makes a TON of sense. Not only with the lives of these poor brilliant people, but also with the urge to create when I am sad. Hm.

No more gazing across the wasted years...

Well, Valentine's Day was all it had to be. It could have been much worse. Still, sometimes really bad is more triumphant than utterly void...oh well. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow the glorified lies will be put back in their place, and those who live the way they do because that's what they believe will be also be put back in their place. And my friends will be back. You never truly appreciate someone to talk to until it's not there...Why do we always have to wait until it's gone to appreciate it? Is it a human fault? Never quite overcome? Probably. So maybe rather than "Life stinks and then you die" it should be "People stink, and then they die." hehe. Perhaps I'm only bitter against the holiday because I'm bitter against myself. Perhaps I'm only mad at myself for being sad that I don't have something that I never really wanted in the first place...yeah. It sounds about right.

Happy Single's Awareness Day

I've been trying to decide whether I'm excited for tomorrow. As a day, it'll be good enough...but no matter how much confidence a girl has, no matter how little desire they have for a boyfriend, it still kinda gets to us when we see girls laden with gifts. When they giggle and know they have something we don't. It still kinda gets to us when we see the giddy bubbles, the sparkles in their eyes...Sometimes we wonder: "what's wrong with me?" Of course, we know we're just as happy or happier on average. We know they're setting themselves up for unnecessary pain. But sometimes...on days like Valentine's Day...it's hard to remember what you know. Are we, the wise ones, doomed to be ostricized, to be laughed at, to be made to feel silly? Perhaps on this day...but we'll have our day too.

Alelujah!

The world, full of darkness, hate, and confusion, never ceases to amaze me with its light. Despite the cold, there is the warmth of the sun. Despite the sorrow of the people, there is the joy of potential. Hope is a thing with feathers...everytime I think it has migrated to a better sphere, it flutters back and settles my soul. There IS hope. Though the world in its entirety is doomed, there is hope in the salvation of individuals, there is hope in the mercy of an Almightly Lord. There is hope in the beauty of creation, the glory of the human soul. Let the mountains ring out with praise! Rivers cry in adoration of our God! All His creations, let us overflow with devotion! Everything speaks of hope in exaltation, every sight, smell, sound and fiber of the earth sing Alelujah!

More Purpose in Prayer

We heard today from Elder Robert D. Hales. I think this was the closest I've ever been to a general authority outside of the conference center. He said our stake is peculiar, and so he could say things that he couldn't say to other groups. He said many things that touched me, and I'm going to have to go over his words again tonight. Today I felt that I really need to find myself, and get to know me. I also feel like the only place I'm going to really find myself is if I'm with God. Figuratively, of course. "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I need to garnish my thoughts. Protect them, sanctify them, dedicate them. I need to stop worrying so much about the honor of the world. If no one were to care what I do, if all were to hate me, dispise me, or simply treat me with pity, would I be able to be confident in the Lord? If I were to find out that I am not anything I thought I was, would I be able to trust in the Lord to make of me what He will? Will I be able to deal with the fact that while I am part of a chosen generation, and even though I do have a purpose, that purpose may be a quiet one, a purpose in which I merely support those who lead, those who are chosen to teach? Is my purpose to learn? Is my purpose merely to love? Is my purpose to be humble and listen, and to cease to wonder why I am not chosen to speak? Or was that once my purpose, but I have somehow failed? Many are called and few are chosen. Will I be able to overcome pride and to serve the Lord even if I am not one of the chosen? I hope so.

An Ode to Strange Situations

You are not a truly difficult
little problem.
You simply annoy and
twist my arm.
Yet you are
everywhere.

You do not make me weep,
little problem.
The problem is not that you
twist my arm.
It is more that I think about you
everywhere.

When here, you're not such a
little problem.
My eyes water as you
twist my arm.
But I still have hope...you can't be
everywhere!

This is an ode to those who are little problems...though they have no problem getting along with me...

L'Un Vers L'Autre

I LOVE e. e. cummings. His poetry seems so nonsensical, yet it is so complex, so meaningful. If you haven't read any e. e. cummings poems, or if you didn't even know he was a poet, you MUST read some of his poetry. And don't just skim over it, or else you'll say to yourself, "He had a mental disorder and English must have been an (almost) second language." But no. He was brilliant. So ha. And on to our next topic: I just had the greatest idea. It would be so funny to make a "Writer's Atlas" just making fun of the Writer's Almanac. Ok, so perhaps this is not the greatest idea, but consider this: the adaptive-level phenomenon would cause anyone to be excited over their best ideas even if they were not THE best ideas.

Swimming through Sunshine

Today was a beautiful day. I woke up at 3:30 am for no reason, but today was full of light. I was tired, and achy, and souped up on cough drops, but today lifted my spirits. I have a cut on my thumb, bruises on my arms, a sore throat, no voice, but I wanted to sing and dance and shout out the joy of my heart. The sky is blue! The air is clear! The sun is bright! and even if they were not, my eyes are blue (that's important to me, I dunno why), my mind is clear, and my countenance is bright! This is such a beautiful world.

Eek! I AM a gadabout!!!

Oh well. Might as well accept myself...hehe I love being me

Time spent...or wasted?

Am I spending or wasting my time when I stay up to make a silly present for a friend's birthday, or for Jubilation Week? Am I spending or wasting my time when I think about cool movie ideas (which could also be used for SemTV...sometimes...)? Am I spending my time when I worry about how my books should be in alphabetical and topical order, and actually use time to do that? (gosh...topical AND alphabetical? I can't believe I've actually done that.)? Anyway, I spent a couple hours today making paper boxes. They are sturdy, small, and oh so cute. Unfortunately, there are only about 7 boxes to show from my hours of work. Was that wasting time? Am I wasting time by asking myself these questions? And actually writing them down? Oh well. It's already used. ha. Happy Jubilation Week!

Happy Jubilation Week!

I must admit...this is the saddest, lamest, most boring and pathetic Jubilation Week ever. EVER. Out of the three years...this third one was not the charm. So, to any avid fans of Jubilation Week (although I'm pretty sure that's just me) I'm sorry. I am going to spend much of tonight and tomorrow preparing for a fresh start on Monday. Hopefully I can make up for the bad start, and it just may meet expectations! So may you all be happy, healthy, and full of hope!

Uniquely Orange

Tomorrow is my audition. Today I rested, trying to let myself free from anxiety. Life-changing events are bad enough when they are unexpected. When they are partially controlled by those whose life they are changing, things get tricky. I watched Akeelah and the Bee last night. It's a good movie. There was a quote in it that I have been thinking about.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson

This perhaps embodies my ideal philosophy. It is not yet a part of me, but as I think, it is more ingrained upon my consciousness. Who am I to squander gifts out of idleness? Who am I to hide even part of my passion for music? Am I scared that if it becomes so much of my life, I will lose those who do not feel the same? I will lose other important parts of me? If I work at it, and let myself, I can be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Not more so than any other of God's children, but in a way that is soley mine. In a way that is radiantly, beautifully, uniquely orange.

Post number 200

200 posts. As the frost once again blows its icy breath upon my car (sealing my fate of being late again tomorrow morning) I once again delve into the introspection of a magnificent landmark. 200 posts. Have I grown since the first? Undoubtedly. Have I learned? Have I developped? Pretty sure. Have I gotten myself into trouble? Countless times. Have I gotten myself out? Once in a while. I am reminded of a poem which has touched me several times, and its words have entered into my soul, to be used freely at the times when I am made aware of my own wretchedness. The poem is that of Edward Rowland Sill, The Fool's Prayer:

The royal feast was done; the King
Sought some new sport to banish care,
And to his jester cried: "Sir Fool,
Kneel now, and make for us a prayer!"

The jester doffed his cap and bells,
And stood the mocking court before;
They could not see the bitter smile
Behind the painted grin he wore.

He bowed his head, and bent his knee
Upon the Monarch's silken stool;
His pleading voice arose: "O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!

"No pity, Lord, could change the heart
From red with wrong to white as wool;
The rod must heal the sin: but Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!

"'Tis not by guilt the onward sweep
Of truth and right, O Lord, we stay;
'Tis by our follies that so long
We hold the earth from heaven away.

"These clumsy feet, still in the mire,
Go crushing blossoms without end;
These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust
Among the heart-strings of a friend.

"The ill-timed truth we might have kept--
Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
The word we had not sense to say--
Who knows how grandly it had rung!

"Our faults no tenderness should ask.
The chastening stripes must cleanse them all;
But for our blunders -- oh, in shame
Before the eyes of heaven we fall.

"Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;
Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool
That did his will; but Thou, O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!"

The room was hushed; in silence rose
The King, and sought his gardens cool,
And walked apart, and murmured low,
"Be merciful to me, a fool!"


O Lord, be merciful unto me, a fool.

As the Spring wakes the Winter

The day has fallen, and the night sits in its usual place. Oh, how still the air. Oh, how content is the moon. The snow shines and smiles to its celestial cousins, the stars. To be the wind, who walks througout, silent. To be the sun, who wakes the stillness, and warms the cold. To be the road, who eases the way, and does not complain of its sacrifice. To be the Spring who has her Summer to make her brighter, stronger. Living one for the other. As the Summer wakes the Spring, the Spring wakes the winter. Does the Spring love the Winter? no. He waits for her, unwaivering, true, quiet. Then she returns, full of glory, waking him from his cold tranquility. He shines and welcomes the Spring. He lets go of his beautiful, snowy coat to please her. He puts on as much warmth as he has within him to show his devotion. But Spring does not know. She belongs still to the Summer. She sees and thinks only of him. Is it any wonder that in his supreme loneliness he howls? Any true marvel that he bites and snaps? As the Spring wakes the Winter, and captivates him, so does she destroy him. He does not see his own beauty, because she lives ever to melt. She lives ever to look to the Summer, and not to the past. Autumn is jealous, and lives for no one. She does her best to destroy the Summer, wanting him to love no one but her. Still she is powerless to destroy his vibrancy. Still she has ever been powerless to win his love. And still, the winter is alone.

Over 1000!

Over one thousand views of my profile...woot. That's exciting. Nope, I have to stop this now, because if I write anymore, it will be angry and I will regret it. I already regret it, but it's hard to stop feeling a certain way if the cause is ever before you.

Do I rebel, or submit?

Ready? AHH!!!!! I just screamed out of frustration. Because I have no control. No control. No. None. Sometimes I feel like I hate...but I know I'm just scared. I know I just don't want to lose people. Friends mostly. I'm so scared. So sometimes I try to stop feeling anything toward the people I think are going to leave me. It doesn't work. I just end up missing them more. Then, when I give in, and I think "yes! I do want to be your friend! I do want to be involved in the things your are involved in, and I want to talk to you!" Then I remember...you don't talk to me anymore. That's what made me scared in the first place. But that's also what frustrates me. Because I have no control. I can only love and hope I am loved in return. Too bad there's no law of...ah! I can't even spell the word. Well, too bad! I'm just going to have to accept it. I can't be scared anymore...just either rediculously optimistic, or just realistic and...totally accepting of all things as they come. I don't know! “It is difficult for a woman to define her feelings in a language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” - Thomas Hardy. And according to psychology, one thinks in words, and therefore the human mind finds it difficult to think about anything it does not have a word for. Maybe THAT is why I have such a hard time understanding myself! I don't want to be a slave to affection! I don't want to go chasing after things that aren't going to last! Is it worth the temporary pleasure? What pleasure? NO! I can't take any more of your polite waves and smiles! You are going to let me know if my affection is wanted, and then (and ONLY then) will it be freely given. I can't simply hand you my smiles anymore! You don't even want them, I'll reckon. At least...you don't value them at the price it takes me to give them. It takes courage to try again. The rewards aren't good enough at this point. Maybe later it will be easier for both of us. Or maybe neither of us will even care anymore.

Survivors found

It's amazing how one phrase from a whole article can pop out at you. I call them Stickynotes. After an Indonesian jet crash kills 90 people, there are still survivors found. Survivors. Those who survived. Is that a passive verb? sometimes. Not for me.

Family Thrown into Tragic Crisis After Loss of Loved Ones, Survivors found.

Hundreds of Employees Lose Jobs after Decline in Economy, Survivors found.

Pandemic of Eating Disorders Hit America, Survivors found.

Immorality Increasing, Survivors found.

Who finds the Survivors? Sometimes it is the world, or one person who finds the survivor, and sees them for who they truly are. Sometimes the survivor finds herself. Finds that she is strong. Finds that she has overcome at least part of the world, or part of herself. So no matter what the crisis, there are survivors found. The question I must always ask myself is "Will I find myself among them?"