I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone

Emma Woodhouse said, "I felt listless, and had a bit of a headache when he left, so I must be in love."

Boy, listless. I keep starting to do something productive, but then I don't finish because I start daydreaming again. Have I got it bad? ha. Is it obvious or what? Why do I feel lonely when surrounded by people almost 24/7? Why do I look forward to things solely for the fact that I hope someone special is going to be there? Aren't my friends more important? Don't they pay more attention to me anyway? Why can't I escape you when you're as far from me as possible for so long? You're everywhere!


And when you are here, I can't show the least bit of feeling, or you'll leave me alone again. What can I do so I'm not so afraid of losing you?

Shame on me, for wanting you

Maybe if I was beautiful, or more refined, or...just better. The only time I have low self-esteem is when I think of you not thinking of me. And you're not even here to convince me I'm wonderful anymore. Why isn't the irony in this whole situation as funny as it should be? Or maybe it's just time for some bitter laughter. Ready, ha ha

Ha

Emma...Mr. Knightly!

I just cannot get over it! Emma! Mr. Knightly! Jane Fairfax! Frank Churchhill! How does Jane Austen do it?! How does she make me agree with Emma, and fall in love with Frank Churchhill, and then Mr. Knightly, and blind me to everything, and then reveal it, making me wonder the whole time why I didn't pay attention to the signs? The book is so much better than the movie (because she doens't use the corny lines that they do) but the movie is SO good. I loved them both. And now I wish I had a Mr. Knightly of my own. Oh, Knightly...so good, her best friend for so many years...and he's loved her since she was 13! *sigh* and he waits for 8 years, not trying to press himself on her, not trying to be anything more than a guide, and a friend. Yet...he could have flirted a few times so she would have finally realized how much she loves him in return. How can you not fall in love with someone like that? So gentle, and honest, upright, compassionate, and who is absolutely in love with you! I want to cry, it's so...beautiful...

"Maybe it's our imperfections that make us so perfect for one another"
"Mr. Knightley, if I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream.
"Not one in a hundred men have "gentleman" so plainly written across them as Mr. Knightley!"

Analyzing Wicked

Musicals! Starting with opera, which were almost entirely for the rich (and often very boring). Then came operettas, which were almost entirely comical. Music halls, minstrel shows, vaudeville, and burlesque came and went. Then came the dawning of the greatest form of theater put on stage: the musical. Gilbert and Sullivan brought musicals into the limelight, and there they stayed. Broadway came into the picture, making New York an even more desirable vacation spot. The country gave their love to No No Nanette, Oklahoma, The King and I, The Sound of Music, and many others in their turn. Westside Story, Rent, and others brought the cities onto the stage. After all these faded into the recent history, and left the stage open once again, another new musical came under the hot stage lights. Enter stage right: Wicked.

Wicked is the story of the two witches in the Wizard of Oz. The play opens with the death of the Wicked Witch of the west, and then moves into a flashback of college, when the Wicked Witch (then named Elphaba) and Glinda the Good Witch (then called Galinda) were roommates. The second act is set at the time when Wizard of Oz takes place, but shows what you don't see in the movie.

Through the play, the audience watches Elphaba change. From the beginning, we think we know what is going to happen. She's going to turn wicked because of a hard life. However, through the first act, we only see her grow in integrity and moral strength. Inversely, the people of Oz become more self-centered and prejudiced. This change is brought out even in the music. The harmonies of the people of Oz continue to get more dissonant and sinister, while Elphaba's, if anything, becomes more beautiful. By setting these unexpected changes side by side, the writers question the previously set rules of right and wrong. Are we really the ones being good? Or are we wrong? They stand up for the wicked witch, not only for pity, but in what we see that she stands for.

The biggest part of the witch's integrity is her ability to stand up against the facades of Oz, and against the peer pressure, and what they think is right. She knows what is right, and she does not back down. When the wizard gives her a chance to be acclaimed, and finally accepted, she turns his offer down. The wizard is corrupt, and Elphaba knows it. He turns the entire world against her, but she doesn't back down. This theme, don't back give up your standards for peer pressure, is gloriously emphasized by the finale of the first act: Defying Gravity. She defies the common rules, and by doing that, learns to fly. Everyone else is bogged down with the lies and false pretenses of the wizard. She sings,

"And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free...no one in the land of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever going to bring me down!" (and then the people sing "we have to bring her down")



Glinda is used as a foil to the witch. She only wants to be popular. In pursuit of this goal, she gives up her standards, as well as her friend, and eventually fiancee, because they won't give in to the wickedness of the wizard. Glinda, in the beginning, sings that

"goodness knows the wicked's lives are lonely, goodness knows they die alone."

In the end, Glinda is realizing that she was the wicked one, and that because of her wickedness she is more alone, even with all her popularity, than the "wicked witch" ever was.



Another motif throughout the play is that of friendship. Glinda becomes Elphaba's friend, and throughout the story, their friendship continues, despite their varied paths. Elphaba forgives Glinda for working for the wizard, and understands her obsession with popularity. Glinda even starts to understand why Elphaba did the things she did. In the end, just before the melting of the witch, they sing

"who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Their friendship, and wish for eachother's happiness is heart-melting. Glinda tries to protect the witch as much as possible, even though she stilll keeps up appearances. In the end, however, when the witch has been melted, Glinda now realizes what's wrong with the the wonderful wizard of Oz, and what was right with the wicked witch of the west.


Wicked is my favorite Broadway musical ever, and I listen to the CD a lot. It makes you think, and breaks barriers in your childhood conception of the witch, and makes you wonder about the misconceptions you may have made about people in your own life. With its sinister foreshadowing, puns, morals, and GREAT music, Wicked is up there with the best of them.

The story of my life

Hands touch, eyes meet,
Sudden silence, sudden heat,
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl,
He could be that boy,
But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far;
Don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember that rush of joy,
He could be that boy,
But I'm not that girl.

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what might have been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...

Blithe smile, lithe limb;
She is winsome, she wins him.
Gold hair with a gentle curl...
That the girl he chose,
And, heaven knows,
I'm not that girl.

Don't wish, don't start,
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl.
There's a girl I know
He loves her so...
I'm not that girl

Almost Real

Through a one-way mirror
And out the two-way door,
Wishes go unanswered,
Yet there are always more.

Through the visions of happiness
Clouded by doubt and time
Yearnings go unrealized;
Half of them are mine.

Across the years the other half
Come speeding to my heart.
Is there never a place to meet?
Never a time to start?

-Eliza Woodhouse

*another sigh* Finding out I lost you

Finding someone
Who'll find me when I'm lost
Who'll lift me on their shoulders
No matter what the cost
And e'en if I search throughout all my years
And work very hard not to give way to tears
All rhyme and reason will crumble in fears
All because I lost you...
Finding out I lost you

-Eliza Woodhouse

An Analysis of Fathers, and the Need Thereof

Today I had an experience that really made me think about my relationship with my father, and a few things came to mind, including a few reasons why everyone needs a daddy.

In my family, my father is a bit indecisive, and he really just wants to please everyone, and so my mom sometimes forgets that he has an opinion. Still, she respects the fact that his is the last word (even though he usually just agrees with her). If no one was a leader, nothing would get done. My dad often takes the initiative upon himself, and gets things done without delegating any responsibility. Usually, though, the children see my mother delegating jobs and such. Nevertheless, I know that my parents talk things over before my mom takes the decisions to us.

No matter how much we say that money isn’t the only thing in life, it is something vital to a stable existence in this world. Every family needs someone to provide. Sometimes someone other than the father must take on that responsibility, but I think that when it is possible, it is best to have the father take this role. I could go off on a huge tangent on why I believe this is usually the best plan, (and it wouldn’t be entirely politically correct, but I really couldn’t care less) but that belongs to an entire analysis of itself. My dad works harder than anyone I have ever known. He works all day, and into the night, sometimes not sleeping for a few days at a time. Yet he still takes time to spend with us when it’s important, and when we need him, or even at times when we would just appreciate his company, he’s there. I don’t know how he does it.

Now I come to the reason that was most important to me tonight. Every child needs someone to rescue them. Everyone always talks about how women can be just as strong as men, and shouldn’t be considered as weak people who need someone to rescue them, but I appreciate the protection and rescue I receive from my daddy. I’m ok walking in freezing cold weather (even if I complain); I’m ok with pain in general, and often will bleed profusely and not know it until I feel it dripping down my leg (and I’ll still try to score the point) but I feel so much safer knowing my daddy can come and save me if I need help (like he’s done twice in the past 3 days) It’s pretty awesome.

I love my dad, and can’t imagine a life without him. I would have a wish that everyone could have a father figure in their life, whether it’s their biological father, a foster father, or a really good family friend, uncle, neighbor, or something. It’s very important to have that influence on one’s life.

Boys...why I like them...analysis

This analysis is depressing. Or maybe just because my outlook is depressing. As I think about all my guy friends, I think about the thin, beautiful girls they have crushes on. I get the impression that most boys follow that pattern.

What kind of guys do I like? And why? (*sob* look at my obsession)

I like guys with a sense of humor. If they can't laugh about things, I don't like to be around them. When a guy really makes me laugh, without being vulgar or insulting, it melts me. I can feel comfortable around them because they don't take themselves too seriously. I also really like making them laugh too.

I like guys who love their moms. When a guy respects what his mother tells him, I start to get really interested. Rebels may be good for other girls, but give me a guy who knows that the best thing to do is to be kind to his mother. It means he'll respect his girlfriend (someday) too.

I like good, clean cut, respectful, polite guys.

I like guys who aren't loudmouths. I'm loud, and it annoys me when a guy needs to be loud too. I don't know why. I guess it all goes back to respect. And not being dumb...dumb boys are the ones who are always trying to make jokes in class. And dumb girls I guess, too *shame* Guys who can listen make me really happy.

I like guys who think. It really means a lot to me when I find out that a guy was thinking about me, or about something I said. Even if it's in a friendly way, I really appreciate it. To take a long time, and consider a question I asked, and then come to me with the answer a while later, is almost better than coming up with the answer on the spot. It means they take people seriously, and that's really nice.

I like guys who make the effort. When they make the effort to be on time, or to come to a little extra thing, or spend a little extra time on a present, or when they try to take my suggestions, or when they go out of their way to talk to me. That's when I absolutely start to adore them. That's when they make me feel happy inside, and that's when I start making the effort to come talk to them, and to do stuff with them.

Well, I think that covers the basics. August blue eyes helps too :D Why can't a guy like that like a girl like me? Well, that's for some other analysis.

In the light of darkness

I'm unsure. For the first time in a while, I am really unsure. Well, ok, not as badly as it could be, but I'm just not sure what road to take. I really don't feel up to taking any of them. But I have learned one thing: some people always know what you should do, even if they never seem to have the answers for their own lives. Some people just shed light on anything, even if it seems like a pit of darkness. It becomes a long, blurry tube to the unknown! In a good way! hehe I'm thankful for such wise, understanding friends. (why are they all guys!?) lol

Boys are SO much more complicated than girls

It's true. And if you want to know why, I'm going to write a book. Because it's true. Guys, you're allowed to be sweet, just so you know. You're allowed to go out of your way to talk to girls, and if you get rejected, they don't deserve you anyway

An Analysis of My Prejudice

I decided to go against all better (and worse) judgements and talk about something that confuses me. My not-so-secret prejudice...against old people.

Yup. If there is anything less generous, and less mature, &c. &c. &c. I'm having a hard time thinking what it is (besides maybe the average 7th grade girl.) Today I got back from RHSMUN. I was in the Commission on the Status of Women. Our second topic was "The status of Elderly Women in Society." This was difficult for me to speak about, debate about, or care about. Isn't that horrible?! Why do I feel this way about the elderly even though I've felt little but the utmost respect for all other races, religions, &c.? I know it's wrong, but the feeling is still there...what makes me feel this way?

One contributing factor is the fact that I haven't come into really close contact with many elderly people. I grew up very far away from my grandparents, and I didn't make it a habit of visiting unrelated old people. I think because of my childhood inexperience, I never got used to the idea of having old people around, and assumed that everyone should be young (30 is still rather old in my mind)

Another possible reason is current bad experiences. My grandfathers all died before I could know them, so I only have really associated with old widows...of course, I love my grandmothers a LOT. But that still doesn't put aside my prejudice, for some crazy reason. Perhaps it is because I have experienced almost nothing but boredom when at one of my grandmother's houses...I know it sounds horrible, but it is the truth. Our personalities totally clash (we are both opinionated people, but she gets SO complainy and she feels like she has to correct everything anyone says, even if she's totally wrong) so talking to her is over fast (she doesn't even tell stories about the olden days...just complains about the modern ones) and she doesn't have anything to do in her condo, except a piano. I sometimes get excited when I see it, and I start to play it, but then she gets mad because it makes too much noise. Ok, this is starting to sound like I hate my grandmother, I really don't. She's a sweet lady who made my dad the great person he is, I just...am analyzing.

I think probably the greatest factor in my prejudice is society. Young people think negatively or apathetically about old people as a rule. There are a few exceptions, but they are usually only partial ones. Young people may think an old guy is cool, or funny, or cute, or tell cool stories but they usually don't care about their current lives (probably because there usually isn't a lot going on...gah, that's prejudism again) A horror movie about an old lady would be laughed out of the theaters. A comedy about an old couple would have to be really well done to get decent reviews. A romance? can we say EW NO...I think I'm actually worse than society in those ways, though. I get a wee bit uninterested when the actors are 30...isn't that sad? Also, old people are viewed as useless. Financially, that's usually true. Still, I know old people have a lot to offer...or do I? Nothing is really coming to mind, besides being good grandparents, telling stories to interested audiences and maybe senior missionaries. I am horrible about this! I think I really do hate old people, *weeps* I change books mentally to make the man as young as the woman usually is (classics...the man's always like 33! *gag*)

In conclusion: I do have a problem. There are significant reasons for this problem, but it is a problem nontheless. I need to be as (or more) accepting of fogies as I am of Jehova's witnesses. I need to be as interested in them and their experiences as I am in Asian people. Of course, the geezers will never live up to Canadians, but who can?

Survey and Analysis

The topic jumped into my head. But, you've heard my take on this (sorta) many times, so I decided to get other people's opinions and combine them with my own to create a better analysis. So, after grueling hours of surveying people, and putting together the final product, voila! My analysis.

A Somewhat Biased Analysis on the Effects of Love on the Human Mind, Body, and Soul

Love: I've spoken about it in almost every blog I've written because it's something that influences my character, and therefore everything I do. I decided to interview my peers and ask them what effect Love has on them so I can more fully analyse this whole strange territory.

The mind is a vast expanse of mostly unknown and unseen elements. It is easily manipulated, and its maladies are difficult, and at times impossible to diagnose. Love therefore plays havoc with that human mind. Many don't know what to think; thoughts are scrambled about in a whirlwind. One person said "I've been thrown in every direction unexpectedly, in both pleasant and unpleasant ways." Love is almost like a magnet to a monitor. It scrambles, confuses, and may even enable thought useless for a time. You simply cannot use both your heart and your mind simultaneously sometimes. Love not only scrambles, but during many periods of time, it will dominate the thoughts. Many say that love is often all they think about, or that they just can't get him/her off their mind.

Overlooked by some, the effects of love on the body may sometimes be the most severe and apparent. Most people experience nausea, some shake when romantic emotions are especially strong. Some even throw up, because of the overwhelming sensations. The tongue, and mouth often go on the fritz, and facial expressions are frequently uncontrollable. Many people I interviewed said love gave them more energy, or they felt more alive.

Most lasting and perhaps most importantly, love affects our souls, our basic character. From just the people I interviewed, they say love has taught them to be more empathetic, less selfish, to appreciate friends more, or has given them a softer, more open and sentamental look on life. They have become better people to be worthy of that other person. At other times, though, love takes a different role. One said that all that he is is washed aside when the certain person is near. Another changes his personality to impress that person. Jealousy is another negative side-effect of romance. Just like the Killerz say, "Jealousy, turning saints into the sea." This side-effect is so complicated, it requires an analysis for itself. Even the best people find themselves dragged under, and turned treacherous, and bitter. Overall, most people agree with Josh Groban in saying, "You raise me up."

Love has a profound and lasting effect on everyone, and if we understand it, and learn how to use the emotion constructively, we will have a most powerful edifying tool. Each is affected differently, but each may learn from his/her emotions.

Quests...an analysis

A quest: the act of pursuing, or seeking. Many have called life a quest, but what are we seeking? Will we ever find it?

Almost every human being hits a stage in their life where they begin to question. Why am I here? Why are these things happening to me? What exactly am I supposed to be doing? Who am I? Most try to forget about these sort of questions, because of the difficulty to answer them. Other times, religion fills in the gaps where we ourselves do not have the knowledge to answer our questions.

Why do unpleasant things happen? Why not? It is impossible to exempt anyone from less than perfect situations. By sheer probability, it is only natural that some will have harder lives than others, and that life cannot be ideal for long. We must pursue better lives, but also seek to find the better side of our current situations.

Who am I? Many go around trying to "find themselves" or simply rationalize behavior by saying "it's just how I am, I can't help it." I don't believe that identity is something we can search out by physically travelling. I believe identity is something we are only partially born with. I believe that most of who we are is determined by decision. Circumstances may play their part, but it is how we react to those circumstances that make up our character. As it is said in Batman Begins: "But it's not who are you underneath...It's what you do that defines you." We can decide our attitude, we can decide our reactions, we can decide our actions. We alone decide who we are.

What are we supposed to be doing? Different morals call for different answers. Many would say "improving your life." I agree with that. It is how we go about doing so that differs. Many would say "what you do doesn't matter, just as long as you get you want." Or, as written in The Prince, "The end justifies the means." In my philosophy, it is the opposite. "The means determine the end." Improve your life by improving others' lives. Improve your life by surrounding yourself that will uplift and edify you. Improve your life by improving yourself. Not physically (although health is important) but improve your character, improve your morals, improve your mind and body as well as your soul.

What is the quest of life? Find your purpose, learn how to accomplish it, and then go accomplish it. Still, don't be surprised if some of your quests change along the way.

Beautiful Soul

I just love the way some people make me feel. Especially...that one. They make me feel safe, and wanted, and happy. Who doesn't want to feel that way? Sometimes I wonder why I want to be around him all the time...well, duh! He makes me feel good! And he makes me want to make him feel good.

I'll give you the sunshine!
I'll give you the breeze!
Only then might you have a fraction
The light and comfort mem'ry leaves.

I'll show you forever!
I'll describe heaven's power!
Only then might you understand
What aides me each hour.

You can keep devotion!
I've got enough!
You've got my heart!
Though be it course, and rough.

------------------------------------

I HATE MY POETRY! *rips papers* I feel mad again. But I'm really actually happy. SO...I need to go check my messages for an expected email...it's for an audition

To Like or to Love...an analysis

Who do you like? It's a question every teenager is bound to hear at least three times more than they wanted to. Probably more. What does it really mean? I like ice cream means a completely different thing than I like Billy. If a college student says "I like Gertrude." it would be taken as a friendly admiration. If a 22 year old says "I love Randy" it will be taken as a romantic, tender feeling. If I say I love Quint, people will look at it as a friendly admiration. But what if I was to say "I like (a cute boy's name here)"?

High school. Hormones. The two are so intertwined that you can barely separate them. My mother went in the school after classes got out, and was totally embarassed by all the couples' behavior. The environment is a breeding ground for...can we call it romance? If you can tell me five couples that began dating in high school, and are still together, happily, I will give you half of the clothing I own. I agree that the feeling that causes the high school relationships is a strong one...but is it love?

I tend to say no. Many of these people barely know eachother. Those who do usually end up hating eachother later. Friendship is much more important, and will last past the relationship, if you are truly friends. Talking to eachother. I know maybe one high school couple who actually spends the time to TALK. They help eachother get through things, and have been through a lot. I don't see them involving themselves in PDA, or see any signs of them involving themselves in PrivateDA. They show their affection by understanding, by always being there. They know eachother, and are really good friends. If I ever were to have a relationship (although I won't for a good couple years) I would hope mine would be a lot like theirs.

The term..."Like." "like like." or like if you will. There is a reason it means less than love. I am surprised that some highschooler had the maturity to realize this difference and use a different word. In the dictionary, the definitions for like never use the words love, romantic feeling, or even crush. Why have we started to use it? It's a sign of little personal commitment. It's a sign of a temporary situation. Merely a preference. I think the term describes the feeling very well.

Is it possible for a high school aged person to actually feel love? That is a difficult thing to decide. I know that it is possible, but I am forced to call it very unlikely. As a whole, teens are somewhat selfish, perhaps not more than adults, but this is the reality. Usually, MY grade is more important, who I will have more fun with, what I want to do. This is often not the case, but we naturally think this way. Most teenage relationships are selfish, and all about immediate pleasure. When we find that we truly care about others more than ourselves is when we have really grown up. That usually doesn't come until the 20's. Commitment is another factor. Only a few teenagers really would like to get married immediately. The ones that do are usually troubled, and/or horribly mistaken in their view of the world. We know the relationship won't last; we know we probably won't see the person after high school. If we were mature enough to feel actual selfless devotion and love, we wouldn't allow ourselves to, because of the absolute hopelessness of it all.

Liking is temporary; liking is fun; liking is a learning experience for the real thing. Liking is nowhere near the emotion of true love. Why, then, does it hurt so much?

A few peices of advice (while I try to think of what to analyze)

Allow yourself to hope, but not to get disappointed with different outcomes.

Don't rationalize what you know is wrong. You'll end up doing worse things or just feeling guilty for a long time.

Loving someone doesn't guarantee getting their love in return. But it's always worth trying to earn it.

Feeling sorry for yourself won't do any good unless it spurs you into action to make things better.

Read books.

People surprise you. Don't give up on them.

Work towards what you want in life. There will always be something to show for what you've done.

Bad thoughts lead to bad actions very easily...good thoughts need force.

It's always easier on the drawing board.

Love despite the pains, do good despite the sacrifices, and laugh despite your worries.

Above all, keep a positive attitude and a pure heart. Very little else is needed to get you through.

Boo to dances

I'm sick of dances. Every time I get really excited for a dance I don't get asked, or I can't find a group because my friends wanna be bums...I've been asked to two date dances, and they were great. But that was when I didn't expect to get asked at all. Then homecoming rolls around and I get all excited...and then half my friends go, leaving me (not their fault, I'm just being a complainer) Then these same friends get me all excited for Sadies, and then these same friends decide last minute they don't want to go! I'd say "ha, I'll just go without you," but then I don't have a group to go with. It just makes me SO frustrated. My geologic field studies were cancelled due to rain. I threw a fit today. I feel very immature. I hate it. I WANT TO THROW STUFF! I WANT TO LIE ON THE GROUND KICKING AND SCREAMING! Why? Because my feelings are immature and therefore it seems like my reaction to them should be immature as well. I feel jealous that I don't get to go to the dance. I feel mad that my friends ditched on me again. I feel tired and procrastinatorish. I feel pouty and selfish. And the worst part is...I don't know how I'm going to deal with any of these feelings...I guess I'm mostly afraid...of being forgotten

Holy Marching Band!

YES! We went on tour. It was absolutely wonderful. As every year, we went to Las Vegas, started on Thursday morning. Before we left, however, we were in a commercial for BYU TV. That was so much fun, we got to spell out BYU TV in a big formation. We then were in the bus forEVER. It was SO much fun, though. I am still very happy about it all. We got terribly hyper on Friday night, and I did some things that I'm still a bit embarassed about, but...what happens in Vegas gets spread around and stays in people's memories and mouths for years. I'm still very tired, but I think it was all worth it. We did well at the competition, but the judges are considerably biased. They have ventured to tell us that we will never be allowed in finals again. Mean, huh? Well, I must make preparations for my geologic field studies tomorrow.

A Glass Wall

A glass wall.
I can see, through it, that I'd have fun.
I would be giddy.
He's there, behind
A glass wall.
I keep trying to get around
A glass wall.
Ironically, I built up, and put up,
The Glass Wall.

-Eliza Woodhouse


Woot, I'm learning the clarinet. It's fun stuff. And I'm giving private lessons this summer. I'm excited. I get to go to Las Vegas. THIS WEEK! It's the end. The end! When will I talk to Heidi, Dustin, Amber, Sarah, and all the others ever again? Probably NEVER. Until I die. Will I talk to Alissa every day? No. Will I see THomato every day? no. Will I have the same quality time with Zuchinni, Radish, and those who go to my school? no. It's growing up. I'm growing out. of what? Constancy. I have to accept that people are going to leave. I have to focus my efforts on keeping in touch with a few of my best friends, or I'm going to lose intimacy with all of them.

Analysis...Wait Until Dark

Last night I went to Kimball Tower, where they were showing Wait Until Dark. My friends and I have been looking forward to this movie since last year, when we saw it in the same place. This time was very similar to the last: we all came out totally FREAKED OUT. I truly believe that this movie is tons scarier than any other movie I have ever seen. Scarier than The Ring, Psycho, Final Destination, Sixth Sense, etc. How does Alfred Hitchcock do it?

I think one of the major factors in the "scary scale" is the suspense. In many modern horror movies, everything moves so fast that you don't have time to worry, or to think about it. Wait Until Dark moves much slower, but sets things up in such a way that you almost eat yourself from the inside worrying and wondering whether what you expect will happen actually does. Because many times the things we think will happen are scarier than the things that actually do, one often scares one's self more than the movie does.

Wait Until Dark contains my all-time favorite moment of film history. Our heroine has just conquered over and killed the villain with a knife. She tries the door, but it's chained closed. She goes back down the stairs, and as she walks past the dark hall, the supposed dead man leaps out at her, with the knife in his hand rather than his stomach. To me, the way he jumps is the most frightening part. He is merely a silhouette, but you can see his pain, and determination to kill her. There is no suspenseful music, no suggestive movement of the camera, or anything else to even make you think what's coming. Whenever we go to see that movie, at that moment, the whole theater (me, grown men, teenage boys, everyone) screams in terror. This one moment defines the movie, and stays engraved in your mind the whole year until you see it again.

That one moment could not stand on its own, however. The most important thing in making the movie bloodcurdling is the fact that the heroine is blind. The men do everything they can to fool her, but she notices things that people who could see would not be able to. But one can only imagine the absolute terror she would be going through to have people coming into her house that want only to kill her. When her phone line gets cut, you can almost feel the way her stomach would have dropped. To feel so alone, in a world where you can't see what is happening would throw me into shock. Everyone she can trust is gone, or has been killed. Some who she thought she could trust she finds out she can't. It truly is a frightening situation.

Her husband is a total jerk. She should've ended up with Mike somehow. Jerk.

All of these factors make us freak out no matter how many times we see the movie. Alfred Hitchcock really made a masterpiece out of Wait Until Dark. Now I just have to wonder why I go back, year after year, to be frightened out of my mind.

Hahaha

Ok, it gets a wee bit gross at the end, but that's exactly how I feel a lot...lol

ME AT THE END OF THE TERM

Enough Poetry. Here's some prose.

HA! no. I'm tired. Last week of the term. DEATH. Good thing I'm still way happy. What is it about certain people that just make you happy? What is it about helping people who need help that makes you happy? What is it about having almost zero sleep that makes you happy?! Haha...well...I should get going. I need to go do stuff to my trumpet. I love the trumpet.I love everything right now. I finished my homework, but I'm deciding that some homework isn't worth doing, because the term is now over, and my grade is good enough. *sigh* I'm such a bad person.

Dark shadows may find me,
***deleted for dumbness***

Who's right or wrong? I couldn't say. I just know that no one can hurt me so badly, but no one has brought me such joy...funny reasons to cling to that boy! When did I become so insane, so irrational?! I know exactly the day. Funny how my heart works that way. There is a time, and a place for love...love knows its appointment...but it follows a watch either too fast or too slow, and it shows exactly opposite where it was meant to go. I give up. I'll just be happy to feel this way about someone. It keeps me alive.No amount of reason could make me forget sorrow...no amount of self-reward could give me the pure satisfaction of knowing...I feel! I love! I LIVE. And if he hurts me until the day I die I know I can't give up that feeling...that rush...

I loved you more...

I'll whisper it once more and again:
I loved you more for being my friend.

Romantic phrases had their place,
But I loved your laugh, your kind face.
I swooned as you swept me off my feet,
But loved better when in hard times we'd meet.
You were gallant, the whole globe you rose above,
But understanding, hearing ears won my love.

I'll whisper it once more and again:
I loved you more for being my friend.

- Eliza Woodhouse

Another installment

Why do I frighten off good fortune?
How can I be tortured so?
Despite all of my wishes and labors,
What I want is what cannot grow.

I've fought long and hard against this fate,
Yet the answer is the same!
So I finally resign to sorrow untold,
Left with the whisper of thy name.

- Eliza Woodhouse

I can't stop!

What is it like to live a lie?
To be able to laugh, but not to cry?
To lack all love, but know to hate,
Who can possibly desire this fate?

It isn't worth it to be free of tears,
To not know sorrow, doubt, or fears.
The way we know what happiness is,
Is to feel such pain and sadness as this.

- Eliza Woodhouse

Nom de Plume: Eliza Woodhouse

It's over!
Heart, why do you grieve?
That's the vain sorrow which caused us to leave!

It's over!
Hail your liberty!
Do you pine for the time in which you weren't free?

It's over!
But strength and will I lack.

It's over!
And yet...I must go back

- Eliza Woodhouse

Inspired to write poetry

Clayzy's been writing poetry. I used to write poetry a lot. I decided to some more. I had fun.

For the daydream's misty hope,

For the goals for which we grope,

For the darkness after day,

And blissful joys which fade away.

For the broken heart who cries,

For ersatz smiles and happy lies,

For gilded fields for which we long,

And everliving, sighing songs.

There is no strength in love you say,

That game's a cursed one to play?

But I do know, that while love gives strife,

It gives happiness, sight, meaning and life.

Hm...now I just need a pen name.

Destiny?

Every person is born for a purpose. Everyone has a destiny. Why, then, is it so difficult for me to decide my own? Why is it confusing to try to think about what I want to do in the future? Why am I at such a loss as to what I really feel? What is it that causes me to tremble, and change the subject? Why is the unknown so frightening?

Oh gosh...I am ashamed

Of many things, but mostly these two right now

Well, first of all, I wanted to comment on Cripple's (that's her name for now) post. She talked about how much school is affecting the way we think. I've noticed the same thing. When I was driving up, I kept thinking about all the little streams, and their meander bluffs, and point bends, &c. It drove me crazy. And in my dreams, I keep thinking that there must be a way to figure things out mathematically, by finding the derivative. Also, I think about how I would be able to draw things using just a compass and a straight edge, or I think in French sometimes, or I conduct music, or think of what key things are in. It is kind of...neurotic, I guess, the way school subjects affect your brain.

Women vs. Men Analysis

Second of all, I wanted to talk about what happened tonight. As a girl, I have been raised to be a man-basher. On TV, in newspapers, pop culture, sometimes from my mom, &c. &c. &c. They all say "men are unfeeling pigs and deserve whatever they get." I have fought against that stereotype as much as possible, but sometimes I just break down and agree. This was one of those times. I was tired of my friends getting hurt because of boys (although usually it's their own stupid fault...) I was tired of guys flirting with me when they already have a girlfriend. I was ticked off because some guy took me on a date and all he could talk about was this other girl. (yes, that is totally tactless, but I have forgiven him for a common blunder. I really am not all that interesting, I suppose.) It's easier to believe guys don't really feel things as much as girls do, because we girls take advantage of them WAY too much. I know I have. I can try to rationalize it all I want, but the fact is we manipualte them, and talk them down. And the really sad part is that a lot of guys believe it. I have seen many truly nice guys afraid to do anything because their female friends will tease them, or reprimand them. They are afraid because we are loud, and insulting. They don't make the first move because the girls always do. They think less of themselves because of what the girls say about guys. Girls chase guys. Girls try to rule guys. And because they are sweet boys, we win. We have too much influence, and sometimes we abuse it. That is the simple reality. I think it should change at least a little. I certainly am going to have to change. I just woke up to another reality. Guys ARE sensative. Guys do feel. Sure, some may be pigs, but I certainly don't know very many, if any. I love all the guys I have been able to get to know. Not just for their muscles, or good-looks, or their perfect 8to5 haha. It's because they are sweet. They care about what girls think. They are chivalrous. They are polite. They are funny. They love the gospel. They have good goals and they are working toward them diligently. They have a full measure of the spirit. They are great friends. I hope that we can all stop and notice what great people they are, and be thankful the media wasn't right about men.

(Thanks, Radish, for reminding me)

Analysis d'Austen

Jane Austen. One of my all-time favorite authors. I have read a goodly amount of her novels, and have loved every one of them. The movies are sometimes less than desirable (Persuasion...) but I have adored the books. My mother hates them. She says that they are redundent because they are purely social, and they are boring because the characters spend all their time going to parties and having social difficulties. I tell her that I love the books because they are purely social, and all the people do is go to parties and have social difficulties. Why do I love this? What makes it worth it to me? Why is there such a difference between my mother and I?

As I have stated or implied in nearly every post, I am a social creature. Much of each evening is spent trying to sort out hurt feelings, mysterious men, misunderstandings, lost souls, and every other sort of social trap imaginable. I love it. The best thing about doing this for teenagers is the fact that I will never have to stop giving them advice. They will keep coming back because even if they know the answer to their problem, they will still want someone to talk to about it, and try to get something out of them that will be less inconveniant to them than the answer they have already come up with. The other best thing is that the person who can listen well, make a person feel important, and give them wise but not pushy advice, is everyone's best friend. At least while they are in trouble, and that's where some better (more loyal) friends will come in handy. Jane Austen's novels put an emphasis on the kinds of problems I love to try to solve. They are easy to relate to. Almost every character matches someone I know, at least in some of the things they do or feel. The people seem real, and their feelings are realistic (at least among teenage audiences). This makes it fun for me to read about their lives, because it's almost as if I'm talking to my friends about theirs.

Another great thing about Jane Austen is her wit. So much of the novel can be humorous to those who understand the humor. At one point she writes, "I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligable." or "Life seems to be but a quick succession of busy nothings." "Nobody minds having what is too good for them." "A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can." "Those who do not complain are never pitied." "I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them." These and countless other witty sayings are slipped so fluidly into her books, that it takes a doubletake to know they are there. I believe that these satirically wise one-liners are definately what gives Jane Austen that extra spice, and helps one not to skip some of the dialogue. There is quite a bit of dialogue, but her humor certainly does make reading it worth it.

I really enjoy the stories. The plots may not be dreadfully complicated, or beautifully entwined like Dickens or Hugo (though I do love them too, perhaps I'll analyse them later.) but they keep the reader (especially if that reader is a hopeless romantic) enthralled. The absolute humiliation sometimes experienced is so well communicated (well, perhaps not so much communicated, but led up to with suspense &c. and then just held there, making it seem like you are experiencing that awful, horrible, detestable, dreaded moment, that is awkward to say the very least.) that sometimes I find it hard even to read it, I am just writhing in so much amused agony for the character. The best example that comes to mind is when Elizabeth Bennett accidentally meets Mr. Darcy at his home after months of not seeing him (in Pride and Prejudice just in case you don't know). It took me forever to get through that scene, because I felt what Elizabeth would have felt, which was absolutely...just humiliating. I nearly died. I can't really find enough words to say it, so I will move on.

Jane Austen makes you feel like you are the character's best friend. They tell you everything, and you can often see trouble before it occurs. But, because the hints and foreshadowing are so subtle and mixed in with hints that amount to nothing, it's almost like trying to figure it all out while experiencing it. It is fun to take a step down from omniscient being.

Another great reason I love Austen is because her books are the perfect chick flicks. There is the rich handsome young man, and the beautiful young woman (money optional). There is the question of which of the handsome gentlemen will win her fancy, and the audiences approval when she finally makes her decision and comes to grips with herself. Then, the classic rejection and humiliations, and finally they end up happy and married and still rich. What more could a girl want!? I fall in love every time, making me in love with Mr. Darcy, Mr. Frank Churchhill, Mr. Bingley, Mr. Edward Ferrars, and others each in their turn. How can one not? Chivallry, good-looks, money, it's all there. hehe.

Why my mother and I differ: she is hard to please. She does not enjoy social enigmas and riddles. She is already married. Sadly enough, I don't think she's as well read as I am. *sigh* Perhaps one day. But it gets less likely as the years go by. She's getting too caught up in 6th grade level books...my whole family is going in that direction. Ah well, another analysis.

I adore every moment of Jane Austen's books. She has written some of the few books I would ever consider reading twice. At the moment I am in the middle of Emma, which is called her masterpiece. It is just blowing me away. In fact, I'm going to go read it instead of talk about why it's so good. Have fun, and read her books!

Happiness: An Analysis

At least, from my own perspective. To even begin to attempt analysis of one of the basic emotions, especially happiness, would be entirely futile. Therefore, I will confine myself to my own experiences and observations.


To me, happiness is a see-saw of choices and circumstances. Chemical balance has a HUGE effect on this see-saw, but fortunately for me, it only really affects me once a month. A couple weeks ago, I started on a happiness plateau. A week after that, on the day I had the most reasons to be happy, I dropped to absolutely depressed solely because of my body's reactions. I did everything I could, and tweaked everything possible, but this factor alone sent me into a ditch (see a few posts back, or not) of emotion.

Attitude is the second greatest factor in this seesaw. A bad attitude will keep even the happiest situation less than what it should be. A good attitude can make almost every time (except those influenced strongly by chemical imbalance) a positive one. Of course, it does take a considerable effort to make one's attitude go against the grain of the situation, but it is possible.

This brings us to another important part of happiness: circumstance. This factor is one over which the individual has very little power. Happiness can be deeply affected by an extremely slight change in situation. A few words, a few missing words, can make all the difference. Of course, the other two factors take precedence, but situations can make it almost impossible to turn the tides of attitude in one's favor. I would rather have my both me legs broken, and be slashed across the back, and be forced to through up every hour on the hour, than to have to endure all the social mishaps, and romantic disappointments that are innate to teenage life. I think this is because society and people make me happy. Ah well...c'est la vie.

Too many people base their happiness on a certain person, or a certain event. I DO! But that's the main reason I'm ever unhappy. Because he makes me that way! Is that right? no. Should I let him rule my emotions? no. Do I let him? yes. Will I in the future? yes. Love makes everything you try to do impossible, and possible at the same time. It embroils all reason, all effort, all order. Still, it's because I focus on the upsides that I have been so happy lately (except those 2 days)

To keep happiness as much as possible, it is important to to keep positive attitude at a maximum, not to let situations bog you down too much. Above all...keep your seesaw balanced! or at least on the happy side of things. If situations seems too much to overcome, create a new situation! Or stop caring...lol

Woa...

Hey, guess what, I didn't really mean all of those things, really. I was tired, and in a bad mood swing. So...sorry! :D I'm happy again

Some of this was meant for you. (not Mr. Wealthy)

I thought I had finally gotten over it. I was on a happiness plateau. I was happy. Very happy. Read back a few posts. I was DARN happy. Now I'm not. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. Everything is the same, if not better. And I'm mad at those I should love. I don't like life. Again. I hate it. Overnight, (Thursday to Friday) I go from a happiness plateau to a ditch. Not even as majestic as a canyon, or as intriguing as an abyss. A ditch. No noble tragedy, no selfless dispair, just selfish lack of happiness. And why? I don't know. Green Bean has been great. Beet has been better. Zuchinni is pretty much awesome. Radish has been absolutely magnificent, and has surprised even me. Of course, the things that were bothering me when I was happy are the same now. The only difference is...I'm not happy! I worry, I get paranoid, I get stressed out, I get touchy and offended. I get down on myself, I remember whenever someone said something that hurt me. I get mad, and then when I try to figure out why, the anger goes away and is replaced by self-destruction. When I try to build myself up, self-destruction turns into despair. And I don't know why. There's nothing I can do. I've tried everything. I hope I'm not truly mentally ill, because I know I would never take medication. I'm too afraid that I'll stop trying to be normal, if I know I'm not. I'm angry! Only one person emails me EVER, even though I sent out a plea of help. Every single one of you has email. No one posts regularly on the combined blog, even though I've asked, and suggested, and tried, and you promised! Frisbee was fun. The only time in months. I know, that's partly my fault. I hope you don't read my blog, because I'm not sure you want to read me getting so angry at you. I read your blogs regularly. So I can know you better. And I comment on yours so you know I actually care about stuff you have to say. (unless it's about historic politics, I mean, honestly) I have recieved three, maybe four comments. Ever. Two of them were from people I have never met in my life, on a blog that none of you know exists. I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And I'm falling apart. I can't do this anymore. How many of you actually TRY? I know you care, but you don't actually TRY. You may notice, and ask once or twice if I'm doing ok. You may sit quietly while I tell you why I'm shaking so badly on every level. Only three people are actually willing to have a conversation with me and to offer suggestions. I'll give you a hint: if you are reading this, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. They are 2/3 boys (which is really sad, considering the stereotype that girls are better at being sensative). They don't always have the wisest advice, and they aren't the best at expressing themselves, but they help me just by listening. Not only that, but they give me feedback. They try to understand. They make me feel ok, loved, and accepted even with all these things I'm struggling with. They aren't afraid to tell me when something I do totally is against what they think is right. Of course, there is Strawberry, thank you so much for helping to make things better even though we don't often have the chance to have true conversations. Most of you give me weird looks, whenever I tell you something that's really bothering me. So I pretend it's something else. I have ceased to tell most of you my fears and struggles, and the rest of you never got the chance to hear them because I was afraid you would react the same way. You don't know me because you didn't make the effort. Thank you for being my friend, but I hope that we can be better friends in the future, rather than just people who eat lunch together, and play frisbee once in a while. Sorry for completely chewing you out, but it has really been bothering me. I love you all, maybe I'm just expecting too much. Maybe I'm too self-absorbed. You do set good examples in many ways, and I'm thankful for that. A few of you really didn't deserve this chewout. But if you're reading this, IT PROBABLY WAS MEANT FOR YOU. Well, I've got to continue my experiment on how much the body can handle. I've already used up my mind and soul.

What is most important? Analysis

Throughout the average person's life, priorities change and interchange, and undergo constant shuffling through new experiences, new situations, or maturation. It is possible to have one main priority for an extended period of time, but it is impossible to have a specific list that outlines what your priorities will be the rest of your life.
For a large part of the world, religion has a strong hold for number one on the priorities list. Religion can, and does affect a person's everyday decisions and reactions to the world around them if it takes a high importance in that person's life.
For the majority of the 1st world society, pleasure and self-justification takes first on the list of priorities. If one allows themselves to become his or her first priority, then that priority will also be reflected in the decisions they make.
Unfortunately, there is an overwhelming number of people in the world who do not have the luxury of making pleasure and entertainment their first priority. Many of them feel forced to put religion very far down on their priorities list. While the 1st world does not put much thought into survival, the poor people of the earth have only that on their minds as they go from meal to meal, dollar to dollar. How many of even the middle or lower classes of America have felt the extended pangs of hunger? How many English have had to drink contaminated water, if only to survive? How many have been ripped from their homes and slaughtered so that a diamond lord can have room to work the mines? These are not things we think about. They are not provided for in our conscious priorities. It accounts for their entire list.
Family has always been important to every society and civilization on mankind. Parents to nurture children, and children to have place to teach and learn. Unfortunately, in the current fast-paced culture, family is often pushed to one of the last on the list of priorities. Perhaps this is why 1 per 3 people have some sort of mental weakness or disease. Perhaps this is why the news is so full of the most abominable of crimes. Perhaps this is why we aren't safe.
Right now in my life I believe that school often takes over, taking second only to my religion. I may say that my family takes priority, but I have often sacrificed time with family for time to do homework. I have sacrificed service for homework. I have sacrificed precious time with my friends for homework. I have sacrificed Young Women activities to do homework. I have failed to complete other responsibilites because I have been doing homework. I have fallen exhausted onto the floor after doing hours of homework, not even being able to think about reading my scriptures. I have even sometimes allowed myself to take time from the Sabbath to do homework. I know that is wrong. I know that is wrong. I know that is wrong. This whole way of life is undeniably, completely, and utterly wrong, and the only reason I'm living this way is because my schoolwork is taking priority. I give and give and give, and I don't have time to do the things I know to be the most important. I give up 90% of my priority list, including some survival priorites, for my schoolwork. I rarely even have time to learn the material rather than just finish the assignment. Because the grade is my priority, the grade is my reward. And that only if I make the cut.
The worst part is I don't think I can escape. I have little hope that I can immediately set my priorities straight. Sometimes I can't help but fall onto my knees, and wonder why I am doing this to myself. Why can't I escape? Because there's another term. There's another semester. There's another year. There's another grade, and I can't let that get too out of reach, because the farther reaching priority, college, will also get further out of reach. This whole life is wrong. This whole system is wrong. My whole priority list is wrong. What should it be? I know just as well as anyone else. Religion, family, friends, service, schoolwork, whatever. It should be black and white. It should be clear in my mind and clear in the way I live my life. But it's not. School flits in and out, fluttering and overlapping, always trying to take number one.
Fortunately I'm not going to let it get that far up. I cannot dispair. I've got to accomplish my goals without letting my priorities get out of line. There is no way I can do this by myself. If your priorities are properly placed, the higher priorities will help you accomplish your lower priorities, and help you to weed out the ones that aren't important. I'm not lost, I only misplaced myself. It's time to get back on track.
To love. I leave this priority last, because it is a subject that is not easily defined, and naturally is very precious to me. I am not able to put love on my priorities list because it is not something to be controlled, and is difficult to nurture, and difficult to do much with except cherish at this time in my life. Love is mocked by the light-hearted, defiled by the culture, and almost forgotten by all except the innocent. It seems that no one really knows what it is to truly love someone because they are too self-absorbed. Lust takes over at an early age, and is never really constrained because no one socially respected ever says it's anything but natural and good. Maybe that's why domestic violence is so high. Husbands and wives frequently don't really have the chance to love eachother. Pure love is a part of my religion, it helps me to be closer to my family, and to be a better friend. So, in a way, love is first on my priorities list, and I think that it should be.
In the end, after all is said and done, it is your priorities that define you. If you put others first, they will put you higher on their list than before, and you will have relationships and experiences that will last beyond the grave. If you put your religion first, you will grow in faith, and in the ability to follow that religion wherever it takes you. If you put your family first, generations hence will prosper and honor you and your dedication and love. If you put yourself first, you will have nothing but what you started with.

I'm HAPPY!

yes. unexplainably. uncontrollably. unfallibly. unmatchably. unreasonably. happy.

A tip on how to survive

DON"T GET SO EASILY OFFENDED! I need to learn that tip. It's making me insanely paranoid. So, just keep that in mind. Be understanding, and just forget it. If they hate you, deal with it. Don't go assuming things. Just assume that people love you, and you'll feel better, and they will tell you if they despise being your "friend". Anyway, I gotta go finish with my students.

YES!

I am so happy right now. The Green Bean has gotten over his ego problem, I talked to Beet about my problem with what she was doing, I am keeping up with my homework, I have wonderful friends, I just finished memorizing "The Highwayman" (which is like 3 pages long) and I feel myself becoming a more gentle, more Agnes-like person through the struggles I'm being put through. If you haven't read David Copperfield, Agnes is David's best friend who is the most gentle, selfless, wise person imaginable. She falls in love with David the moment they meet in their midchildhood. She goes through seeing him love a few other women, and eventually he marries someone else, and yet she never complains, and continues as his anchor, counselor, and best friend. (I won't tell you how it ends) Even though she is a fictional character, the more I read about her traits, and the way she was, the more I said to myself how much I wanted to be like that. I think an imaginary role-model is better than a living one. They can't let you down, and people don't think you're a people-worshiper. Of course, I just want to have the same qualities, you know? I want to be like that. Reading scriptures makes all the difference. Do it! Anywho, I have to go, I need to take advantage of this off-time. Soul-modifying takes a while.

Jealousy: an analysis

I am not a person who dwells on feelings for a long period of time. I am not a person who wants to hurt people. I am not a person who gets angry. I am not a person who shows emotion, speaks, or acts without making a conscious decision to do so. However, lately, I find myself all of those people. Whenever I hear that giddy voice, or see that nesciently pernicious creature, I am someone more sinister. Despite all feigned battles, my own Miss Hyde continues inside, eating at the remainder of my restraint and better judgement.
What is this malady? Jealousy, loosely defined as apprension of losing affection or position. Jealousy, an altogether undesirable add-on and modifyer of the most intense emotion known to man. Love, an undefineable bliss made into a blood-thirsty green-eyed monster. I do not have the moral or emotional strength to turn the envious fury to quiet acceptance.
It is said that jealousy is more of self-love than the love of others. This, or course, is true in many ways. Nonetheless, even the most selfless of hearts can be fooled. Those are the hearts that know that they could make the object of their affection happier than anyone else could. It is nearly unsufferable to see someone else taking away your oppotunity to do something better than they could do it, especially when it is as important to you as is the happiness of the person you love.
Unfortunately, as said by Havelock Ellis, Jealousy is a dragon who slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. The word love implies a selfless desire for the other person's happiness. When jealousy comes in, it dirties the water, and makes it shallow, and yet as treacherous as the ocean. Immersion in this sort of water will contaminate not only your ability to love, but the other aspects of your life as well.
If I can't get a control over the affects of jealousy, I will be doomed to this fate, and my ability to have pure love for someone will be decimated. I will be jealous of everyone continually, and will never be able to be happy in my current situation. This is not the life I want to live, and therefore, I must gain the confidence and strength to quietly bear other girls' actions and feelings. If I remember things will turn out for the better in the end, jealousy will become obsolete. That is the main difference between love and its contaminants (jealousy, lust, selfishness, etc.) : they can and will be conquered by time, harship, and maturity, but love, if kept pure, will never really be conquered whether it's romantic or not.

Analysizing the Green Bean

You heard correctly...an entire blog post devoted to the Green Bean. This will be because it will take an entire post to say all that I have to say. It really will take that long.

The day I met the Green Bean, he was afraid to speak to me because I was a female trumpet player (or maybe just because I am a female, haha) He would rarely engage in conversation, but when he did, he would often stick to talking about how much he practiced to finally get 1st chair. He never did, I stayed first chair. But he never seemed to mind very much, he would just try harder next time. That summer, he and Radish joined me in marching band. We were the best trio ever. We went and did stuff all the time. I loved it. One of the best seasons of my life. The beginning of the next season, Radish dropped out because he thought he was going to be too busy, and so it was Green Bean and I. For a while, we were still a great duo. Then, IT started to happen. He started to go hang out with other people more, and kinda not include me. I didn't really have a problem with it, but then IT started to get worse. He began to talk a lot about how well he was doing at everything, and he started to kinda help out the rookies on his own. That wasn't bad, it was just uncharacteristic of Green Bean. Then, he started to go on and on about his perfect 8to5, and how he had marked off such and such and they hadn't done it exactly right, or how he had checked the lines on the football field, or something like that, I dun really remember. Anyway, then he decided to start star sectionals, where we would work on perfecting our show. He always took over, which needed to be done, but again, way uncharacteristic of him. I elected him the section leader, so that it would be official and I'd feel better about it. Then, Radish and Alissa joined. I'm pretty sure that Green Bean has the hugest crush on Alissa. So, her being in the band made his show-offy side skyrocket. Now, he corrects people all the time, he interrupts my sectionals, he calls meetings, he sometimes totally ignores my existance. He acts almost like he possesses Radish, which really bugs me because I don't get included in the little trio anymore. Now, how do you go from being a person who rarely talks at all, to a person who is "commander of the world, macho man"? I think it has a lot to do with Alissa. Because he likes her, and has gone on dates with her, I think that makes his confidence go way up, as well as his ego a little. Also, he spends a lot of his time with a few people who are cocky a lot. They are my friends too, but I am used to them being like that, that's the way they always have been. I'd talk about him going to Orem High, but I'd get beat up if I said that was the reason. Of course, since he rarely talks to me lately, I don't have the greatest idea of what he may be going through. But, even if you do have a perfect 8to5 it doesn't mean that you are always right, and that everyone else should adjust accordingly. It also doesn't mean you have to give people without one a hard time about it. Whatever the reason, he has definately changed. If confidence includes an ego, I'd rather have the anti-social Green Bean rather than the pighead.

Now I have to go finish up arrangements for a brass ensemble that Green Bean is in. I'm going to give him 4th trumpet and see what he says haha.

*Disclaimer - because of the feelings in relation to this paper, it may be slightly skewed or exaggerated in a few places, for those of you who know the Green Bean. This paper is merely to show my reaction and analysis.

My dreams

My dreams are strange things. Sometimes they are gory, and show earthquakes and floods, and hurricanes. Other times, they are complete soap opera. It's crazy stuff. I'm not going to dream tonight. I am not going to sleep tonight. I don't have time to sleep tonight. The strange thing is, every time I have a dream, I want to cry afterward. When the dreams are good, I cry because I know they will never come true, no matter how desperately I wish they would. When the dreams are bad, I cry because of the pure shock, or because I know that in a way they have come true. My aunt wrote a song a long time ago. "I walked away with love in my hands. You walked away with a bag on your back. I stood aside with you on my mind. You stood aside with a pain in your side. What do you want now? I settled in to what feels best, you settled in to take your test. It wasn't right, and it hurts to breathe. It wasn't right and you want to leave. But, it's all worth cheating. I made a mess to make you impressed. I do suggest that it's all for love. It's not going to right, it couldn't be wrong, and I couldn't think at all. I can't believe that I'd be what you'd want. But, it's all worth cheating." I can't even say how well that fits with my life right now. I feel hurt, and cheated, and unhappy for the world, and unhappy for myself. I feel like faith is all I have left to hold on to. I can't really depend on my friends anymore, because they rarely have the time to really sit down and talk with me, and the people who do have the time don't have the understanding it seems like. So, when I talk to them, I talk to them about school, about homework, about politics, about anything except about what I'm really thinking about. I can't depend on my parents. I've seen their reaction when I tell them about what I feel like. They look at me funny, and treat me like I have something that could make me explode any minute. I hate being treated like a time bomb. So, I'm a good girl. I come home when I'm supposed to. I act like the happiest teenage girl in the world. I do my chores. I do my homework. I play with my little brothers and sisters. I do everything except what I desperately need to do. I don't know how much longer I will be able to depend upon myself. I'm very tired lately.

Another Analysis

I decided that my last analysis was stupid, so I decided to write another one.

Lately, many of the friends I looked up have gotten boyfriends and girlfriends, even though I know it is against their beliefs. Some of the time I knew it was coming, but other times it really surprises me the sort of people who give in to the temptation. Some of the people I admired most, and thought would never go against what they believe in, almost unhesitatingly got into a steady relationship. Other people I know are aware that they are going against their beliefs, and even somewhat want to get out of the relationship or out of the mindset of wanting one, but they simply don't stop. I know it would take a lot to make so many people do something like that.
The fact that steady dating is not inherantly bad, even in their religion, makes it something easier to do than something like smoking or gambling that is forbidden at all ages. Also, the fact that so many teenagers are in that sort of relationship, even in a place where people profess to believe against it, makes it seem ok, or at least accepted.
Despite all of the rationalizations, I know that some people would still give in to the temptation even if the peer acceptance and the moderately relaxed rules of their church didn't make it easier to do. I know the feeling of wanting to be in that sort of relationship. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all attracted in some way to the opposite sex, and we all get urges once in a while to pair up with someone. To be accepted and deeply loved by someone is something we all long for. At this age, it is natural to feel at least some separation from our parents and siblings, so this makes it more important to be loved by people outside of that family. At times, the love we get from our close friends is not enough, and the inherant wish to have a family of our own sets in. Of course, most teenagers don't even want to be ready to be married, and so steady dating is the natural alternative. It gives satisfaction in an easy, temporary sort of way.
Unfortunately, the pronounced, steady relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend opens the gate to more urges and more feelings and more temptation. While going through this crazy time of our lives, we aren't quite as good at controlling our bodies and urges as we probably should be. Sometimes, the "physical want" side of us becomes overpowering, and not only are the results sometimes embarassing, but can be destructive to us socially, emotionally, and physically.
To see my really good friends in such unstable relationships is painful. To have to watch their behavior around their boyfriend or girlfriend is embarassing, awkward, disgusting, and very saddening. Unfortunately, it also instills a bit of jealousy for the small part of me that still almost wishes I had the same thing. Some of these people were my role models, and now I have to look elsewhere for spiritual and moral assurance and guidance, because I can't trust them to do the right thing anymore. Losing trust hurts, and I wish I still could look to them. It gets harder to keep my own standards when they don't keep theirs. I also don't want to see them get hurt, although when you do that sort of thing, you always will be hurt; it is inevitable.
I am glad that I have been able to hold on to my standards and my expectations for myself. I am also very glad that I still have many friends who have learned to keep their feelings under control, who stay far away from anything that would make the temptation stronger than it is, and who would never give up their own self-respect and integrity for temporary pleasure. I just hope that they stay that way, and that I can too.

Analysis of why am I so stressed out

Right now, my brain is frying, and I am not completely sure why. Still, I am going to attempt to figure out.

I believe that one of the main reasons is the amount of responsibility being put upon my shoulders. I am a stake youth representative; section leader for marching band, pit orchestra, and orchestra; class president; MUN Vice President; and probably some other things I'm forgetting. I'm in at least 5 classes for college credit, a class over the internet, and all of my hard classes on top of that. I'm also taking 2 other classes outside of school for credit. All of these classes have homework. Of course, I have had more homework at other times, but right now I have no time in which to do the homework. Every day this week, I was gone all afternoon at unavoidable extracurricular activities. Then, coming home I was exhausted and had a mountain of homework to do. I am a very social person. I have not been able to speak in a real conversation to my best friend for a long time (at least 2 weeks) and it's driving me insane. Not to mention that I've had very little time to do anything really fun. Of course, this makes me more thankful for the time I'm able to spend chilling with my friends. Except that whenever I have a chance to talk to Radish, there is this one girl who is talking to him intently. I'm pretty sure she's obsessed with him, because she doesn't even talk to her other friends when he's there, and she uses every flirting trick in the book (I would know). I don't know why, really, but I get really frustrated and jealous and angry. I guess because she's older than him, and I just want my best friend back. Someof my friends are having social difficulties, though, and so much of the time I have to talk to them, they are asking me for advice for subjects. Either that, or they're talking about Homecoming. I am still bothered by the fact that I didn't get asked, although I know I shouldn't really care. It just seems like a thing I failed at, and I really hate to fail. So, hopefully I will be able to stay on top of things, and shave off all the things I can't handle. If I make sure not to be very irresponsible, and if I continue to work hard, I think I will begin to get used to this kind of lifestyle. I also think I will just continue to make the effort to talk to Radish. When I finally get in to talk to him, I just feel good. Maybe that's why I want to talk to him so much, and maybe that's why he's my best friend. Hopefully that other girl finds someone else to be obsessed with. Well...I should get going on my homework marathon for tonight. Should be a blast. Oh, and I should also start putting my synthesizer back together before the concert next week.