goodbye
hasn't been so good to me
stepped out into the night
back against the moon
i saw ten thousand hands with candlelight
we all think that we're right
it's hard to tell
if the night is full of hope or doom

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

my eyes
burn with unshed tears
my body is weak
from so many silent years
too many people say goodbye
before they say hello
step into the morning
and disappear

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

What More Than Sorry/Ben Harper

It finally happened.

Well...living in the clouds came with a risk. I took it and fell. Welp, now it just means I've learned my lesson and can move on. It's going to be great now, I know it. Although, I find myself suddenly loving songs about revenge...

Car Crash (Moment of Our Lives #1)

Once upon a time, Liz Warnick, Claire Warnick, and Noelle Reid decided to go to Casey's farewell. It had snowed that morning, and there hadn't been any sand/ice trucks out yet that day.

So there we were, driving to Casey's farewell. We were a bit late, but we were trying to play it safe anyway, not go too fast. We were on the freeway, nearing our exit. All of the sudden, we see the exit we are supposed to take. I turned a bit too quickly, but under any other circumstances, it would have been plenty of time. With all the new fallen snow and ice, my worn tires couldn't keep a grip. We started spinning at 60 miles an hour. Adrenaline took over, and we didn't even think to scream. We were spinning off the freeway, and there was nothing we could do.

On one side, the long way down into a ditch. Going down that way would likely throw the car into an all-out roll, which would put us in further danger. On the other side, the gore area and the freeway. If anyone was to come behind us, they would not have time to stop before they hit us from behind. And if they did stop, or swerve, they would likely spin out of control just as we were now doing. Not very many good options. The only safe way was to stay on the exit ramp and pray no one was trying to exit right behind us. Still, how do you stay within 20 ft. when you're spinning out of control?

I knew the best thing I could do would be to slow us down as fast as I could. The best way to do that was to pull us into an even tighter spin. We would spin faster, but our horizontal motion would take a severe drop. However, taking this tactic also meant I couldn't control where we would land.

I pulled the wheel as tight as I could, and we started spinning faster. A billion thoughts went through my mind, thinking through every contingency. Here are some things I was thinking:

• When we crash, I wonder how hurt I'll be.
• Finally! I get to see who would visit me in the hospital!
• I hope Liz and Claire don't get hurt. Not only would it be sad, but I'd be so embarrassed!
• AHHH!!
• Wow! I've never spun this much before!
• How am I not dead yet?
• This is a long spin.
• Our faces probably look so funny right now. (No, actually, I didn't think that. But they really did look funny)

Miraculously, there was no one behind us to send us rolling and depending upon our seatbelts to keep us alive. Miraculously, we didn't fly into the middle of the freeway, at the disposal of the wheels and metal around us. Miraculously, we didn't go careening over the side, into the ditch. We came to a stop in the middle of the exit ramp. And we had time to turn around and continue our journey before anyone was near us.

Why it was a miracle:
1. The exit ramp was curved. How could we have done a 540 degree turn at 60 miles an hour, and not have gone flying off?
2. Our momentum was headed straight (or almost straight) off the freeway, into the ditch. We should have slid right off.
3. I'm not that lucky.

So, how did we feel, having escaped death so nearly? How did we react to this crazy experience?

We spent the next 20 minutes laughing hysterically.

Out of Cold

Crushing snow beneath my feet.
My brow furrowed in the dark.

My head hurts.
I'm tired.
I feel empty.

A sound and a move catch my eye.
The last of a long line of deer is heading back
up the mountain.
The clack of their dainty feet
on the hard, man made black of the streets
bring me back to where I want to be.

The snow crackles like fire.
The stars smolder in the velvet.
For another moment, the world is full of magic.

- Eliza Woodhouse

An artist's interpretation of a moment at 9:54pm on January 10th, 2008.

I just love life! Wee!

Uh...is there anything to add to that? Not really. I really just feel happy. Happy! Even though I suddenly have to work 8-5 every single weekday of the break! Even though I probably got really bad grades this past semester! Even though I totally failed at the email thing! Life is beautiful. And there's really nothing we can do to about it, except to blind ourselves to the fact.

I keep on chasing the wrong things

So it seems that I'm wrong,
'Cause you said that I would never want for anything again.
But my eyes are set low,
And I'm holding to the thing I know I can't keep.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be!
I keep on learning the hard way: from every mistake,
And I'm finding each time that you fall,
You're just becoming who you are

So it seems that I'm wrong,
'Cause I keep on searching for the answers that I don't need,
That I know I don't need.

I keep on chasing the wrong things
And coming up empty.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be.
I keep on learning the hard way: from every mistake.
I'm finding each time that you fall,
You're just becoming who you are.


No, I did not write these lyrics. But they speak to me in a way that only truth can. I've been chasing all of the wrong dreams, and seeking all the answers I don't need! These are all things I already have, or don't need right now! Gee whiz. It is so easy to get depressed in this world. I just have to let myself be happy!

Life is a huge cycle.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

Something happens. We are disappointed. This could be caused by a situation or by our own faults.

We try doing what felt good at first, but our disappointment makes us scared. No one wants to be hurt more times that they already have. Or, we realize we cannot feel good about what we have realized to be true. It must be resolved.

We doubt ourselves, and ask ourselves why we ever felt happy, if such disappointment was coming.

We make a new resolution. We have found the solution to all our problems.

The solution works for a little bit, while we are dedicated to making it so.

We feel good. We do what feels good.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I have
This disease.
But it's not contagious, don't worry.
You keep your distance, and I guess I can see where you're coming from. I can kind of understand why you wouldn't want to be around me, at least while I have
This disease.

I'm sorry I'm not
the same anymore.
But someday it might go away.
You can see my face light up at the sight of you, and you see my hands and knees trembling. You see my eyes glisten and you know why things between us aren't
the same anymore.

I'm sorry
you don't feel the same.
But when I think about it, I'm kind of glad you aren't as sick.
People get along much better when they are both afflicted, but it also means that neither can nurse the other. So maybe I really am happy that
you don't feel the same.

I'm sorry I can't hide
my disease.
But if it gets any worse, I'll quarantine myself.
Because there are no doctors who can prescribe, no apothecaries to cure such a petrifying malady. So please be patient as I bear through
my disease.

I hear it's only fatal sometimes.

Post number 250.

How could the stereotype be true?
I suppose I shall simply accept the fact and move on. No, more like accept the fact and FREAK OUT!!
Everyone's getting married! Married! AHH! I'm not ready yet, and I suppose I don't have to be, but I feel a little awkward in my delayed stage of life while so many others are moving ahead. Oh well. Being a kid was always more fun anyway.

Living in the clouds

When you're living in the clouds, it sometimes gets hard to breathe. The butterflies in my stomach sometimes try to fly away with me. Jumping for joy can lead to injuries. Dreamy can often be just that: a dream.

But this time, that's ok.

Yet another song, "Stars and Moon and Sun"

Here's another song I wrote. I'm just going to write in the lyrics for now, and then some other time I'll add the chords, because it takes so much time to align them on the screen. They're good, I assure you, haha.

You smile, you laugh
And though they'll never see
You know it's true:
That though you talk to them,
You think of him,
And he doesn't think of you.

So while you're dreaming in the dark,
Don't let your gazing go too far
In his eyes.


You hope, you plan,
You read lots of romance,
You even dance with him,
But you know it all ends at the dance.

So while you feel the pain of waking up,
Remember you were never good enough
In his eyes.

He isn't all he seems;
He's just the product of your lonely dreams.
Just find somebody who will set you free.
You can have the guy who didn't want me!

*Instrumental break*

Soon you will see
That you are absolutely beautiful,
And everything besides:
You'll be funny, smart,
And wonderful.

Soon you will see that you're the one.
You'll be the stars and moon and sun
In his eyes.

In his eyes.

Teardrops on my Guitar

There are so many sad love songs. Is it just because it takes us all so long to get it right? And when it's right for one, it's not always right for the other. So we get another sad love song. And another stupid girl who can relate to it. Hm. What craziness.

We truly are crazy creatures.

What seems so simple to our minds is a world of confusion and conflicting feelings for our poor silly hearts. And then what seems simple to our hearts gets all muddled and clouded by our need to reason it out.

Is there nothing simple for both the heart and the mind? Why is it that neither can ever be sure of either the moment or the outcome?

If only outright honesty was always the best policy. I've found that in situations like these, it is so easy to be honest with him or her...and yet I suppose for whatever reason, imagined or valid, we can't say anything. I wish there were more implicit instructions. When I know what to do, it's easy to do it.

Why I'm Cold.

I am cold because I am not circulating well. I do not circulate well when I am unhappy. So, in order to explain to myself why the room feels so frigid, I must begin by reminding myself of why I am unhappy. Perhaps in isolating these causes, I may be able to identify solutions for each.

1. I hate my house.
This is partly because I often have strong feelings the girl who lives here , and she is the only one who seems able to tolerate being here. Every day I see more reasons why no one comes to visit, and there really isn't anyone to blame, but now I am stuck alone in a place I don't like to be.

2. I hate most of my classes.
I feel like I'm not learning anything, and maybe that's my fault. But why did I work so hard to get here, and why am I working so hard now if I feel as if I'm only digressing?

3. I am skipping many things I physically need.
Tonight is the second night I skipped dinner due to lack of time. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I am not able to sleep when I have the time to, because I am either freaking out about what happened before and what will happen after.

4. Friends are slipping out of reach.
Enough said. It seems that often my most sincere efforts go unnoticed or unfruitful.

5. I feel alone.
The people I talked to about life, the people who put me back together again when I felt like I was falling apart, all seem so far away. The times I need them the most are the times when they are the farthest away. And while they are just an email away, I feel stupid writing something they won't get until I've accepted that life stinks, or they will just feel an excess amount of worry. I don't know. There's no one to talk to in person.

6. I'm really cold.

My Way Home

here's a song I wrote a couple days ago.

Intro
Em A D (2x)

Verse 1
D G A D
You were the one who found me alone

D G A D
You came and brought me into a love of my own.

Chorus
Em A Bm
Walking in the dark was nothing new.

Em A D
But walking by myself was hard to do.

G Em A
I'll be content to stay

G Em A
If I'll see you again today.

Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Verse 2
D G A D
You loved and left me with a bag of goodbyes

D G A D
'Cause you were much too good to be caught up in lovely lies.

Bridge
G D A D
You hold the answer to the question: "Was it real?"

G D A
And if the answer is no, I guess I know

G Em G A
How wonderful a dream can feel.

Instrumental
Em A D (2x)

Chorus
Em A Bm
Walking in the dark is nothing new

Em A D
But walking by myself is hard to do.

G Em A
I'd be content to stay

G Em A
If you say you'll be back someday;


Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Em A D
I'm on my way home.

Em A
I'm on my way

D (3+6)
Home.

A College Update

The difficulty of college has resulted in a lot of realizations. These conclusions have included the following:

1. I'm not very good at time efficiency.
2. I'm not quite as good at the trumpet has I had come to believe by the end of senior year.
3. You don't have to be a child prodigy to make it into BYU music school. Only a couple of the people here are UBER amazing.
4. I really really love my family, and my home contains a spirit which is not found anywhere else in my life at this point.
5. I thought I loved my friends before, but I now have a tenderness for almost every one that I may have experienced only a couple of times before. I could make lists upon lists of reasons and certain events which have put you all on my list of favorite people ever. Little things that I may not have noticed before now mean worlds. Ok, time for more lists!


Things that are hard:

1. At times there is too much to do in one day than is humanly possible.
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3. My most loyal, constant friends are as busy as I am, and seemingly far away. So while I have a deeper relationship with them than I thought I might have, I see them less often.


A few things that have really meant a lot to me:

1. Annelise's quiet loyalty. She came to my concert and my little "girls' night", and just those things alone made me realize how much her constancy and love mean to me.
2. (Woops. I forgot to delete that one too :D ) Nothing very secret or scandelous. Just embarrassing.
3. BreeAnne finally needs help! haha I just adore helping friends, and BreeAnne always seemed to help me instead (her being more popular, on top of things, etc.) But now she's having a really hard time in college and feels really lonely. So, while I definitely do not joy in her sorrow, I do relish this opportunity to do something concrete for a friend.
4. Bryan's continued correspondence and trust. I think that no matter how long it has been since we've talked, he will always retain a talent for making me feel like we have a deep mutual friendship. Which I hope we always do.
5. Natalie's Voicemails. They are so much fun!
6. Rachel always remembering to include me. She is the best twin ever!
6. Lisa's consistent emails. It means so much to me to still be connected, even if it is in such a distant manner. I had hoped so hard for just such a connection, because I saw too many classes graduate, and too many people who never communicated to anyone still in high school. So I saw too often that everyone forgot about those people. Not permanently, of course, just the whole out of sight, out of mind deal. But now that we have broken through that trend, it gives me a hope for the ideal: Friends Forever. Maybe that term doesn't have to hold the same cold irony and hypocrisy for my friends and I as it does for almost every other friendship.

If you're not on this list, or if you don't appreciate what I wrote, let me know. Either it was so late that I forgot one of the most important parts of my life (as happens often) or we just need to talk more!

What I really need

I want to make something really cool! Like Casterbridge! Or something really funny. Kinda like Casterbridge. Or maybe something really beautiful. Like...ok, not like Casterbridge, haha.

I really need a project. Again.

Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

A Perfect Day

It was beautiful. Here's a list of things that made it the best day, at least of the week:

• Didn't have to wait to cross the street. Either time.
• Got to work on time, and didn't even have to walk fast.
• Not too many problems, confusions at work.
• Daniel not there; I got to use the compy
• We ordered more stickyback sleeves. Each box comes with a handful of candy!
• I got to see the random little office of BYU Central Stores. It's so central, it's in the middle of a building for something else!
• I unexpectedly was let out at 2:30 for graduation!
• The cookies I cooked turned out pretty good.
• I went to DoT, and saw many of my favorite people.
• I went to Music Man, and saw even more of my favorite people.
• When Clayzy was having trouble finding the coupon we needed, I made a gesture and said "appear!" The next second, she pulled it out.
• We sat behind LeggyK and Aubrey. LeggyK and I laughed quite a bit.
• I even shared an inside joke with Soccerball in the middle of the show.
• I got to play with LeggyK's camera at intermission!
  
• Mariel was so cute and gave me a great big hug.
• The OHS Marching Band welcomed me with love, and even played a song in my honor! I think Carry On will now be one of my very favorite songs.

What a night...

Well, I've had the same two people haunting my dreams for the past little while. I decided I wanted to be distracted from the worries I've been having about them, so I began to read New Moon. I knew I wouldn't be able to put it down. And I didn't. At least, not until I was exhausted and almost all the way through the book at 3:30am. During the few hours of sleep, I dreamed about places and people I don't remember, but in the end I was back in my apartment talking to Watermelon and Clarissa. There might have been a third person, but I'm not sure. I just remember saying to them "New Moon is like the story of my life. Without the physical contact, of course." For some reason, I said it three times. I woke up, and rushed to work, not only trying to be on time, but trying to distract myself from the things that once again began to creep into my mind. So, trying to think of something else, I thought about my strange dream. And I knew it was true.

I know that finishing the book will not tell me the end of my story. As I've thought about different aspects of the book, and more and more of them fit into this parallel of my life at this point, it's been a relief to think that maybe my book has a happy ending in this regard as well. I definitely am not as melodramatic as Bella is anymore. That ended for the most part after junior high. However, I must admit that every once in a while, the wound she describes applies to me: I'm metaphorically just as full of holes.

How to Save a Life

I don't really know yet; I'm still trying to figure it out.

On the one hand, isn't this supposed to be a part of life? Losing people after high school?
On the other, aren't the associations we have in this life carried on to the next, as stated by Joseph Smith? Doesn't that mean we should do our utmost to improve these associations as far as it is possible?

And...why do I feel so different from everyone else? Why does it seem that the secrets I keep inside myself never match up with any stories I hear? Why does it seem that the deepest parts of me are so disagreed with, at least by the actions of everyone around me?

Is it too vain to assume that I really am as different as it appears to my careful comparisons?