Throughout the average person's life, priorities change and interchange, and undergo constant shuffling through new experiences, new situations, or maturation. It is possible to have one main priority for an extended period of time, but it is impossible to have a specific list that outlines what your priorities will be the rest of your life.
For a large part of the world, religion has a strong hold for number one on the priorities list. Religion can, and does affect a person's everyday decisions and reactions to the world around them if it takes a high importance in that person's life.
For the majority of the 1st world society, pleasure and self-justification takes first on the list of priorities. If one allows themselves to become his or her first priority, then that priority will also be reflected in the decisions they make.
Unfortunately, there is an overwhelming number of people in the world who do not have the luxury of making pleasure and entertainment their first priority. Many of them feel forced to put religion very far down on their priorities list. While the 1st world does not put much thought into survival, the poor people of the earth have only that on their minds as they go from meal to meal, dollar to dollar. How many of even the middle or lower classes of America have felt the extended pangs of hunger? How many English have had to drink contaminated water, if only to survive? How many have been ripped from their homes and slaughtered so that a diamond lord can have room to work the mines? These are not things we think about. They are not provided for in our conscious priorities. It accounts for their entire list.
Family has always been important to every society and civilization on mankind. Parents to nurture children, and children to have place to teach and learn. Unfortunately, in the current fast-paced culture, family is often pushed to one of the last on the list of priorities. Perhaps this is why 1 per 3 people have some sort of mental weakness or disease. Perhaps this is why the news is so full of the most abominable of crimes. Perhaps this is why we aren't safe.
Right now in my life I believe that school often takes over, taking second only to my religion. I may say that my family takes priority, but I have often sacrificed time with family for time to do homework. I have sacrificed service for homework. I have sacrificed precious time with my friends for homework. I have sacrificed Young Women activities to do homework. I have failed to complete other responsibilites because I have been doing homework. I have fallen exhausted onto the floor after doing hours of homework, not even being able to think about reading my scriptures. I have even sometimes allowed myself to take time from the Sabbath to do homework. I know that is wrong. I know that is wrong. I know that is wrong. This whole way of life is undeniably, completely, and utterly wrong, and the only reason I'm living this way is because my schoolwork is taking priority. I give and give and give, and I don't have time to do the things I know to be the most important. I give up 90% of my priority list, including some survival priorites, for my schoolwork. I rarely even have time to learn the material rather than just finish the assignment. Because the grade is my priority, the grade is my reward. And that only if I make the cut.
The worst part is I don't think I can escape. I have little hope that I can immediately set my priorities straight. Sometimes I can't help but fall onto my knees, and wonder why I am doing this to myself. Why can't I escape? Because there's another term. There's another semester. There's another year. There's another grade, and I can't let that get too out of reach, because the farther reaching priority, college, will also get further out of reach. This whole life is wrong. This whole system is wrong. My whole priority list is wrong. What should it be? I know just as well as anyone else. Religion, family, friends, service, schoolwork, whatever. It should be black and white. It should be clear in my mind and clear in the way I live my life. But it's not. School flits in and out, fluttering and overlapping, always trying to take number one.
Fortunately I'm not going to let it get that far up. I cannot dispair. I've got to accomplish my goals without letting my priorities get out of line. There is no way I can do this by myself. If your priorities are properly placed, the higher priorities will help you accomplish your lower priorities, and help you to weed out the ones that aren't important. I'm not lost, I only misplaced myself. It's time to get back on track.
To love. I leave this priority last, because it is a subject that is not easily defined, and naturally is very precious to me. I am not able to put love on my priorities list because it is not something to be controlled, and is difficult to nurture, and difficult to do much with except cherish at this time in my life. Love is mocked by the light-hearted, defiled by the culture, and almost forgotten by all except the innocent. It seems that no one really knows what it is to truly love someone because they are too self-absorbed. Lust takes over at an early age, and is never really constrained because no one socially respected ever says it's anything but natural and good. Maybe that's why domestic violence is so high. Husbands and wives frequently don't really have the chance to love eachother. Pure love is a part of my religion, it helps me to be closer to my family, and to be a better friend. So, in a way, love is first on my priorities list, and I think that it should be.
In the end, after all is said and done, it is your priorities that define you. If you put others first, they will put you higher on their list than before, and you will have relationships and experiences that will last beyond the grave. If you put your religion first, you will grow in faith, and in the ability to follow that religion wherever it takes you. If you put your family first, generations hence will prosper and honor you and your dedication and love. If you put yourself first, you will have nothing but what you started with.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
A tip on how to survive
DON"T GET SO EASILY OFFENDED! I need to learn that tip. It's making me insanely paranoid. So, just keep that in mind. Be understanding, and just forget it. If they hate you, deal with it. Don't go assuming things. Just assume that people love you, and you'll feel better, and they will tell you if they despise being your "friend". Anyway, I gotta go finish with my students.
Friday, September 30, 2005
YES!
I am so happy right now. The Green Bean has gotten over his ego problem, I talked to Beet about my problem with what she was doing, I am keeping up with my homework, I have wonderful friends, I just finished memorizing "The Highwayman" (which is like 3 pages long) and I feel myself becoming a more gentle, more Agnes-like person through the struggles I'm being put through. If you haven't read David Copperfield, Agnes is David's best friend who is the most gentle, selfless, wise person imaginable. She falls in love with David the moment they meet in their midchildhood. She goes through seeing him love a few other women, and eventually he marries someone else, and yet she never complains, and continues as his anchor, counselor, and best friend. (I won't tell you how it ends) Even though she is a fictional character, the more I read about her traits, and the way she was, the more I said to myself how much I wanted to be like that. I think an imaginary role-model is better than a living one. They can't let you down, and people don't think you're a people-worshiper. Of course, I just want to have the same qualities, you know? I want to be like that. Reading scriptures makes all the difference. Do it! Anywho, I have to go, I need to take advantage of this off-time. Soul-modifying takes a while.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Jealousy: an analysis
I am not a person who dwells on feelings for a long period of time. I am not a person who wants to hurt people. I am not a person who gets angry. I am not a person who shows emotion, speaks, or acts without making a conscious decision to do so. However, lately, I find myself all of those people. Whenever I hear that giddy voice, or see that nesciently pernicious creature, I am someone more sinister. Despite all feigned battles, my own Miss Hyde continues inside, eating at the remainder of my restraint and better judgement.
What is this malady? Jealousy, loosely defined as apprension of losing affection or position. Jealousy, an altogether undesirable add-on and modifyer of the most intense emotion known to man. Love, an undefineable bliss made into a blood-thirsty green-eyed monster. I do not have the moral or emotional strength to turn the envious fury to quiet acceptance.
It is said that jealousy is more of self-love than the love of others. This, or course, is true in many ways. Nonetheless, even the most selfless of hearts can be fooled. Those are the hearts that know that they could make the object of their affection happier than anyone else could. It is nearly unsufferable to see someone else taking away your oppotunity to do something better than they could do it, especially when it is as important to you as is the happiness of the person you love.
Unfortunately, as said by Havelock Ellis, Jealousy is a dragon who slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. The word love implies a selfless desire for the other person's happiness. When jealousy comes in, it dirties the water, and makes it shallow, and yet as treacherous as the ocean. Immersion in this sort of water will contaminate not only your ability to love, but the other aspects of your life as well.
If I can't get a control over the affects of jealousy, I will be doomed to this fate, and my ability to have pure love for someone will be decimated. I will be jealous of everyone continually, and will never be able to be happy in my current situation. This is not the life I want to live, and therefore, I must gain the confidence and strength to quietly bear other girls' actions and feelings. If I remember things will turn out for the better in the end, jealousy will become obsolete. That is the main difference between love and its contaminants (jealousy, lust, selfishness, etc.) : they can and will be conquered by time, harship, and maturity, but love, if kept pure, will never really be conquered whether it's romantic or not.
What is this malady? Jealousy, loosely defined as apprension of losing affection or position. Jealousy, an altogether undesirable add-on and modifyer of the most intense emotion known to man. Love, an undefineable bliss made into a blood-thirsty green-eyed monster. I do not have the moral or emotional strength to turn the envious fury to quiet acceptance.
It is said that jealousy is more of self-love than the love of others. This, or course, is true in many ways. Nonetheless, even the most selfless of hearts can be fooled. Those are the hearts that know that they could make the object of their affection happier than anyone else could. It is nearly unsufferable to see someone else taking away your oppotunity to do something better than they could do it, especially when it is as important to you as is the happiness of the person you love.
Unfortunately, as said by Havelock Ellis, Jealousy is a dragon who slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. The word love implies a selfless desire for the other person's happiness. When jealousy comes in, it dirties the water, and makes it shallow, and yet as treacherous as the ocean. Immersion in this sort of water will contaminate not only your ability to love, but the other aspects of your life as well.
If I can't get a control over the affects of jealousy, I will be doomed to this fate, and my ability to have pure love for someone will be decimated. I will be jealous of everyone continually, and will never be able to be happy in my current situation. This is not the life I want to live, and therefore, I must gain the confidence and strength to quietly bear other girls' actions and feelings. If I remember things will turn out for the better in the end, jealousy will become obsolete. That is the main difference between love and its contaminants (jealousy, lust, selfishness, etc.) : they can and will be conquered by time, harship, and maturity, but love, if kept pure, will never really be conquered whether it's romantic or not.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Analysizing the Green Bean
You heard correctly...an entire blog post devoted to the Green Bean. This will be because it will take an entire post to say all that I have to say. It really will take that long.
The day I met the Green Bean, he was afraid to speak to me because I was a female trumpet player (or maybe just because I am a female, haha) He would rarely engage in conversation, but when he did, he would often stick to talking about how much he practiced to finally get 1st chair. He never did, I stayed first chair. But he never seemed to mind very much, he would just try harder next time. That summer, he and Radish joined me in marching band. We were the best trio ever. We went and did stuff all the time. I loved it. One of the best seasons of my life. The beginning of the next season, Radish dropped out because he thought he was going to be too busy, and so it was Green Bean and I. For a while, we were still a great duo. Then, IT started to happen. He started to go hang out with other people more, and kinda not include me. I didn't really have a problem with it, but then IT started to get worse. He began to talk a lot about how well he was doing at everything, and he started to kinda help out the rookies on his own. That wasn't bad, it was just uncharacteristic of Green Bean. Then, he started to go on and on about his perfect 8to5, and how he had marked off such and such and they hadn't done it exactly right, or how he had checked the lines on the football field, or something like that, I dun really remember. Anyway, then he decided to start star sectionals, where we would work on perfecting our show. He always took over, which needed to be done, but again, way uncharacteristic of him. I elected him the section leader, so that it would be official and I'd feel better about it. Then, Radish and Alissa joined. I'm pretty sure that Green Bean has the hugest crush on Alissa. So, her being in the band made his show-offy side skyrocket. Now, he corrects people all the time, he interrupts my sectionals, he calls meetings, he sometimes totally ignores my existance. He acts almost like he possesses Radish, which really bugs me because I don't get included in the little trio anymore. Now, how do you go from being a person who rarely talks at all, to a person who is "commander of the world, macho man"? I think it has a lot to do with Alissa. Because he likes her, and has gone on dates with her, I think that makes his confidence go way up, as well as his ego a little. Also, he spends a lot of his time with a few people who are cocky a lot. They are my friends too, but I am used to them being like that, that's the way they always have been. I'd talk about him going to Orem High, but I'd get beat up if I said that was the reason. Of course, since he rarely talks to me lately, I don't have the greatest idea of what he may be going through. But, even if you do have a perfect 8to5 it doesn't mean that you are always right, and that everyone else should adjust accordingly. It also doesn't mean you have to give people without one a hard time about it. Whatever the reason, he has definately changed. If confidence includes an ego, I'd rather have the anti-social Green Bean rather than the pighead.
Now I have to go finish up arrangements for a brass ensemble that Green Bean is in. I'm going to give him 4th trumpet and see what he says haha.
*Disclaimer - because of the feelings in relation to this paper, it may be slightly skewed or exaggerated in a few places, for those of you who know the Green Bean. This paper is merely to show my reaction and analysis.
The day I met the Green Bean, he was afraid to speak to me because I was a female trumpet player (or maybe just because I am a female, haha) He would rarely engage in conversation, but when he did, he would often stick to talking about how much he practiced to finally get 1st chair. He never did, I stayed first chair. But he never seemed to mind very much, he would just try harder next time. That summer, he and Radish joined me in marching band. We were the best trio ever. We went and did stuff all the time. I loved it. One of the best seasons of my life. The beginning of the next season, Radish dropped out because he thought he was going to be too busy, and so it was Green Bean and I. For a while, we were still a great duo. Then, IT started to happen. He started to go hang out with other people more, and kinda not include me. I didn't really have a problem with it, but then IT started to get worse. He began to talk a lot about how well he was doing at everything, and he started to kinda help out the rookies on his own. That wasn't bad, it was just uncharacteristic of Green Bean. Then, he started to go on and on about his perfect 8to5, and how he had marked off such and such and they hadn't done it exactly right, or how he had checked the lines on the football field, or something like that, I dun really remember. Anyway, then he decided to start star sectionals, where we would work on perfecting our show. He always took over, which needed to be done, but again, way uncharacteristic of him. I elected him the section leader, so that it would be official and I'd feel better about it. Then, Radish and Alissa joined. I'm pretty sure that Green Bean has the hugest crush on Alissa. So, her being in the band made his show-offy side skyrocket. Now, he corrects people all the time, he interrupts my sectionals, he calls meetings, he sometimes totally ignores my existance. He acts almost like he possesses Radish, which really bugs me because I don't get included in the little trio anymore. Now, how do you go from being a person who rarely talks at all, to a person who is "commander of the world, macho man"? I think it has a lot to do with Alissa. Because he likes her, and has gone on dates with her, I think that makes his confidence go way up, as well as his ego a little. Also, he spends a lot of his time with a few people who are cocky a lot. They are my friends too, but I am used to them being like that, that's the way they always have been. I'd talk about him going to Orem High, but I'd get beat up if I said that was the reason. Of course, since he rarely talks to me lately, I don't have the greatest idea of what he may be going through. But, even if you do have a perfect 8to5 it doesn't mean that you are always right, and that everyone else should adjust accordingly. It also doesn't mean you have to give people without one a hard time about it. Whatever the reason, he has definately changed. If confidence includes an ego, I'd rather have the anti-social Green Bean rather than the pighead.
Now I have to go finish up arrangements for a brass ensemble that Green Bean is in. I'm going to give him 4th trumpet and see what he says haha.
*Disclaimer - because of the feelings in relation to this paper, it may be slightly skewed or exaggerated in a few places, for those of you who know the Green Bean. This paper is merely to show my reaction and analysis.
Monday, September 19, 2005
My dreams
My dreams are strange things. Sometimes they are gory, and show earthquakes and floods, and hurricanes. Other times, they are complete soap opera. It's crazy stuff. I'm not going to dream tonight. I am not going to sleep tonight. I don't have time to sleep tonight. The strange thing is, every time I have a dream, I want to cry afterward. When the dreams are good, I cry because I know they will never come true, no matter how desperately I wish they would. When the dreams are bad, I cry because of the pure shock, or because I know that in a way they have come true. My aunt wrote a song a long time ago. "I walked away with love in my hands. You walked away with a bag on your back. I stood aside with you on my mind. You stood aside with a pain in your side. What do you want now? I settled in to what feels best, you settled in to take your test. It wasn't right, and it hurts to breathe. It wasn't right and you want to leave. But, it's all worth cheating. I made a mess to make you impressed. I do suggest that it's all for love. It's not going to right, it couldn't be wrong, and I couldn't think at all. I can't believe that I'd be what you'd want. But, it's all worth cheating." I can't even say how well that fits with my life right now. I feel hurt, and cheated, and unhappy for the world, and unhappy for myself. I feel like faith is all I have left to hold on to. I can't really depend on my friends anymore, because they rarely have the time to really sit down and talk with me, and the people who do have the time don't have the understanding it seems like. So, when I talk to them, I talk to them about school, about homework, about politics, about anything except about what I'm really thinking about. I can't depend on my parents. I've seen their reaction when I tell them about what I feel like. They look at me funny, and treat me like I have something that could make me explode any minute. I hate being treated like a time bomb. So, I'm a good girl. I come home when I'm supposed to. I act like the happiest teenage girl in the world. I do my chores. I do my homework. I play with my little brothers and sisters. I do everything except what I desperately need to do. I don't know how much longer I will be able to depend upon myself. I'm very tired lately.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Another Analysis
I decided that my last analysis was stupid, so I decided to write another one.
Lately, many of the friends I looked up have gotten boyfriends and girlfriends, even though I know it is against their beliefs. Some of the time I knew it was coming, but other times it really surprises me the sort of people who give in to the temptation. Some of the people I admired most, and thought would never go against what they believe in, almost unhesitatingly got into a steady relationship. Other people I know are aware that they are going against their beliefs, and even somewhat want to get out of the relationship or out of the mindset of wanting one, but they simply don't stop. I know it would take a lot to make so many people do something like that.
The fact that steady dating is not inherantly bad, even in their religion, makes it something easier to do than something like smoking or gambling that is forbidden at all ages. Also, the fact that so many teenagers are in that sort of relationship, even in a place where people profess to believe against it, makes it seem ok, or at least accepted.
Despite all of the rationalizations, I know that some people would still give in to the temptation even if the peer acceptance and the moderately relaxed rules of their church didn't make it easier to do. I know the feeling of wanting to be in that sort of relationship. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all attracted in some way to the opposite sex, and we all get urges once in a while to pair up with someone. To be accepted and deeply loved by someone is something we all long for. At this age, it is natural to feel at least some separation from our parents and siblings, so this makes it more important to be loved by people outside of that family. At times, the love we get from our close friends is not enough, and the inherant wish to have a family of our own sets in. Of course, most teenagers don't even want to be ready to be married, and so steady dating is the natural alternative. It gives satisfaction in an easy, temporary sort of way.
Unfortunately, the pronounced, steady relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend opens the gate to more urges and more feelings and more temptation. While going through this crazy time of our lives, we aren't quite as good at controlling our bodies and urges as we probably should be. Sometimes, the "physical want" side of us becomes overpowering, and not only are the results sometimes embarassing, but can be destructive to us socially, emotionally, and physically.
To see my really good friends in such unstable relationships is painful. To have to watch their behavior around their boyfriend or girlfriend is embarassing, awkward, disgusting, and very saddening. Unfortunately, it also instills a bit of jealousy for the small part of me that still almost wishes I had the same thing. Some of these people were my role models, and now I have to look elsewhere for spiritual and moral assurance and guidance, because I can't trust them to do the right thing anymore. Losing trust hurts, and I wish I still could look to them. It gets harder to keep my own standards when they don't keep theirs. I also don't want to see them get hurt, although when you do that sort of thing, you always will be hurt; it is inevitable.
I am glad that I have been able to hold on to my standards and my expectations for myself. I am also very glad that I still have many friends who have learned to keep their feelings under control, who stay far away from anything that would make the temptation stronger than it is, and who would never give up their own self-respect and integrity for temporary pleasure. I just hope that they stay that way, and that I can too.
Lately, many of the friends I looked up have gotten boyfriends and girlfriends, even though I know it is against their beliefs. Some of the time I knew it was coming, but other times it really surprises me the sort of people who give in to the temptation. Some of the people I admired most, and thought would never go against what they believe in, almost unhesitatingly got into a steady relationship. Other people I know are aware that they are going against their beliefs, and even somewhat want to get out of the relationship or out of the mindset of wanting one, but they simply don't stop. I know it would take a lot to make so many people do something like that.
The fact that steady dating is not inherantly bad, even in their religion, makes it something easier to do than something like smoking or gambling that is forbidden at all ages. Also, the fact that so many teenagers are in that sort of relationship, even in a place where people profess to believe against it, makes it seem ok, or at least accepted.
Despite all of the rationalizations, I know that some people would still give in to the temptation even if the peer acceptance and the moderately relaxed rules of their church didn't make it easier to do. I know the feeling of wanting to be in that sort of relationship. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all attracted in some way to the opposite sex, and we all get urges once in a while to pair up with someone. To be accepted and deeply loved by someone is something we all long for. At this age, it is natural to feel at least some separation from our parents and siblings, so this makes it more important to be loved by people outside of that family. At times, the love we get from our close friends is not enough, and the inherant wish to have a family of our own sets in. Of course, most teenagers don't even want to be ready to be married, and so steady dating is the natural alternative. It gives satisfaction in an easy, temporary sort of way.
Unfortunately, the pronounced, steady relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend opens the gate to more urges and more feelings and more temptation. While going through this crazy time of our lives, we aren't quite as good at controlling our bodies and urges as we probably should be. Sometimes, the "physical want" side of us becomes overpowering, and not only are the results sometimes embarassing, but can be destructive to us socially, emotionally, and physically.
To see my really good friends in such unstable relationships is painful. To have to watch their behavior around their boyfriend or girlfriend is embarassing, awkward, disgusting, and very saddening. Unfortunately, it also instills a bit of jealousy for the small part of me that still almost wishes I had the same thing. Some of these people were my role models, and now I have to look elsewhere for spiritual and moral assurance and guidance, because I can't trust them to do the right thing anymore. Losing trust hurts, and I wish I still could look to them. It gets harder to keep my own standards when they don't keep theirs. I also don't want to see them get hurt, although when you do that sort of thing, you always will be hurt; it is inevitable.
I am glad that I have been able to hold on to my standards and my expectations for myself. I am also very glad that I still have many friends who have learned to keep their feelings under control, who stay far away from anything that would make the temptation stronger than it is, and who would never give up their own self-respect and integrity for temporary pleasure. I just hope that they stay that way, and that I can too.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Analysis of why am I so stressed out
Right now, my brain is frying, and I am not completely sure why. Still, I am going to attempt to figure out.
I believe that one of the main reasons is the amount of responsibility being put upon my shoulders. I am a stake youth representative; section leader for marching band, pit orchestra, and orchestra; class president; MUN Vice President; and probably some other things I'm forgetting. I'm in at least 5 classes for college credit, a class over the internet, and all of my hard classes on top of that. I'm also taking 2 other classes outside of school for credit. All of these classes have homework. Of course, I have had more homework at other times, but right now I have no time in which to do the homework. Every day this week, I was gone all afternoon at unavoidable extracurricular activities. Then, coming home I was exhausted and had a mountain of homework to do. I am a very social person. I have not been able to speak in a real conversation to my best friend for a long time (at least 2 weeks) and it's driving me insane. Not to mention that I've had very little time to do anything really fun. Of course, this makes me more thankful for the time I'm able to spend chilling with my friends. Except that whenever I have a chance to talk to Radish, there is this one girl who is talking to him intently. I'm pretty sure she's obsessed with him, because she doesn't even talk to her other friends when he's there, and she uses every flirting trick in the book (I would know). I don't know why, really, but I get really frustrated and jealous and angry. I guess because she's older than him, and I just want my best friend back. Someof my friends are having social difficulties, though, and so much of the time I have to talk to them, they are asking me for advice for subjects. Either that, or they're talking about Homecoming. I am still bothered by the fact that I didn't get asked, although I know I shouldn't really care. It just seems like a thing I failed at, and I really hate to fail. So, hopefully I will be able to stay on top of things, and shave off all the things I can't handle. If I make sure not to be very irresponsible, and if I continue to work hard, I think I will begin to get used to this kind of lifestyle. I also think I will just continue to make the effort to talk to Radish. When I finally get in to talk to him, I just feel good. Maybe that's why I want to talk to him so much, and maybe that's why he's my best friend. Hopefully that other girl finds someone else to be obsessed with. Well...I should get going on my homework marathon for tonight. Should be a blast. Oh, and I should also start putting my synthesizer back together before the concert next week.
I believe that one of the main reasons is the amount of responsibility being put upon my shoulders. I am a stake youth representative; section leader for marching band, pit orchestra, and orchestra; class president; MUN Vice President; and probably some other things I'm forgetting. I'm in at least 5 classes for college credit, a class over the internet, and all of my hard classes on top of that. I'm also taking 2 other classes outside of school for credit. All of these classes have homework. Of course, I have had more homework at other times, but right now I have no time in which to do the homework. Every day this week, I was gone all afternoon at unavoidable extracurricular activities. Then, coming home I was exhausted and had a mountain of homework to do. I am a very social person. I have not been able to speak in a real conversation to my best friend for a long time (at least 2 weeks) and it's driving me insane. Not to mention that I've had very little time to do anything really fun. Of course, this makes me more thankful for the time I'm able to spend chilling with my friends. Except that whenever I have a chance to talk to Radish, there is this one girl who is talking to him intently. I'm pretty sure she's obsessed with him, because she doesn't even talk to her other friends when he's there, and she uses every flirting trick in the book (I would know). I don't know why, really, but I get really frustrated and jealous and angry. I guess because she's older than him, and I just want my best friend back. Someof my friends are having social difficulties, though, and so much of the time I have to talk to them, they are asking me for advice for subjects. Either that, or they're talking about Homecoming. I am still bothered by the fact that I didn't get asked, although I know I shouldn't really care. It just seems like a thing I failed at, and I really hate to fail. So, hopefully I will be able to stay on top of things, and shave off all the things I can't handle. If I make sure not to be very irresponsible, and if I continue to work hard, I think I will begin to get used to this kind of lifestyle. I also think I will just continue to make the effort to talk to Radish. When I finally get in to talk to him, I just feel good. Maybe that's why I want to talk to him so much, and maybe that's why he's my best friend. Hopefully that other girl finds someone else to be obsessed with. Well...I should get going on my homework marathon for tonight. Should be a blast. Oh, and I should also start putting my synthesizer back together before the concert next week.
Monday, September 12, 2005
It's a Monday...AGAIN
Well, today was pretty ok. This morning I was freaking out, (I woke up at 5am to finish my math homework) because I had no time in which to do sufficient homework. I have a jazz band thing tomorrow afternoon (we get to play in the state fair, weee, and I have a solo yay!) and I had SO much homework. Biggest of all was my geology homework, because that takes hours to do in and of itself. Including Family Home Evening on monday night, I would have to stay up all night to finish all that stuff, and my Calculus homework, and my French homework. But, Mr. Deathtomortals told us that we have another week to do all that. Let's just say I was IN ECSTASY (but not the drug haha). So, today I actually had free time in which to read and to take a nap. I am now very awake, so I will have time to get a good amount of Calculus done before tomorrow, and maybe finish Fahrenheit 451 (which is an amazing book, by the way.) That reminds me. I finished David Copperfield. It was SO good, I cried at the end I was so happy. I'm still really happy just thinking about that book. If you haven't read it yet, READ IT! Well, this evening we went shopping. I bought an orange watch, which is good because it blocks the metal from touching my skin (I'm really allergic to metal) so I'm really happy. I also bought a coat (it's kinda weird because it looks a lot like Radish's coat, but it's green.) and some jeans (*sob* I still shop in the little girl's section because of my smallness...hehe that's ok, I wouldn't trade being short for anything in the world) Then, we had Family Home Evening really quick, and had leftover cupcakes and ice cream from Almond's party. Then, I was here! And also...Nothing. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything bad either. You have no proof...*weep* I'm a horrible person! But I didn't even do anything, and I won't do it ever again. No, what am I saying, I'm going to give into temptation again and I know it...*sigh* but I'll try not to. Anywho, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, more power to you. Well, now I've got to go see my psychiatrist, and cry into his shoulder.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Homecoming Game
It was so much fun, even though our team lost. The most attractive boy in school got First runner up for Homecoming king (who knows why he didn't win...probably because the other guy is more popular, and has a really cool last name) Also, the Watermelon, Clarissa, Cocoa Bean, and a few others who aren't usually present (even people who have already graduated) were there, so it was especially fun to see them again. Green Bean didn't even come over to talk to me, though. He was probably too busy flirting with Alissa (or just thinking about her, I'm not completely sure she was there) Radish and I joked around pretty much the whole time. It was super fun, he always makes me laugh. He might be joining Marching Band, which is tres exciting. Strawberry and I also went around doing fun stuffs to peoples, which was awesomely funny. Also, after the game, Watermelon, Clarissa, Soccerball, Violin, Cauliflower and I went to get Frosties at Wendy's. They were all closed, so we had to go through the drive-through. It was still fun. We talked a bunch in the van (soccerball's 15 passenger bus) and yeah. Ooo, I need to inform you on the status of homecoming. Soccerball is going with Turbo, Clazy is going with Spinach, Watermelon is going with Rutabaga, and Alissa is going with Green Bean. Pretty much everywhere I go, people are talking about dresses and hair. Ah well, I suppose that they have a definate right to be excited, and I have a definate moral obligation to be excited for them. Well, I need to catch up on my conspiracy literature, so I should get going.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Homecoming analysis
Woa...my internet's goin screwy. Well, here is my first analyzation.
Most of my fellow fruits and vegetables are going to homecoming. In the past, I have been known as a "flirt" or a "coquetish girl". In those days, I really enjoyed the reputation. At that time, I was asked many dates, including both proms. At normal dances, I would get to dance nearly every slow dance. Then, my friends (especially the Radish) seemed to get a bit fed up with my "wanton" behavior. Not only that, but I was the butt of many jokes that I'm not sure I wanted to be connected with. For all these reasons and a few more, I decided to stop all my boy-crazy antics. However, since this overhaul of my attitude towards life, I have had only one date, (which was wonderful, I don't mean to put that down in any way, shape, or form, Radish) and at dances I have had nearly ZERO slow dances. This leads me to believe that there are some definate perks to being a flirt. Then, I suppose the choice would be more between what I really want. Focusing more on my friends and school work gets me no dates, but it does bring a higher level of respect for myself. Now I have to wonder why I feel so down about not going to homecoming. Homecoming is not the biggest dance of the year, although it is the only formal for a very long time. I suppose I am mostly saddened because of the drastic change from my former circumstances. Still, I cannot help but feeling I'm letting myself down by being as much of a flirt as I was before. It seems almost to be lowering myself. Still, I really don't like the idea of going to a pity party on the day of the second biggest dance of the year. Maybe I'll incorporate some of my coquetish ways into my new focused life-style.
Well, nothing to do but to pig out on ice cream and chocolate, and watch cheesy chick flicks.
Most of my fellow fruits and vegetables are going to homecoming. In the past, I have been known as a "flirt" or a "coquetish girl". In those days, I really enjoyed the reputation. At that time, I was asked many dates, including both proms. At normal dances, I would get to dance nearly every slow dance. Then, my friends (especially the Radish) seemed to get a bit fed up with my "wanton" behavior. Not only that, but I was the butt of many jokes that I'm not sure I wanted to be connected with. For all these reasons and a few more, I decided to stop all my boy-crazy antics. However, since this overhaul of my attitude towards life, I have had only one date, (which was wonderful, I don't mean to put that down in any way, shape, or form, Radish) and at dances I have had nearly ZERO slow dances. This leads me to believe that there are some definate perks to being a flirt. Then, I suppose the choice would be more between what I really want. Focusing more on my friends and school work gets me no dates, but it does bring a higher level of respect for myself. Now I have to wonder why I feel so down about not going to homecoming. Homecoming is not the biggest dance of the year, although it is the only formal for a very long time. I suppose I am mostly saddened because of the drastic change from my former circumstances. Still, I cannot help but feeling I'm letting myself down by being as much of a flirt as I was before. It seems almost to be lowering myself. Still, I really don't like the idea of going to a pity party on the day of the second biggest dance of the year. Maybe I'll incorporate some of my coquetish ways into my new focused life-style.
Well, nothing to do but to pig out on ice cream and chocolate, and watch cheesy chick flicks.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Prom
Yes, the title does not lie. I went to Prom. It was Prom for our rival school, but hey. It was fun. I went with the Green Bean. For our day date, our group went bowling. It was cool, because it was dice bowling. You roll a die before each turn, and each number means a different type of bowling.The whole thing was way fun, I'm glad I got asked :D
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I had a dream
Yup. Last night. First, I had to preform a Hawaiian dance in front of lots of people, but I wasn't really nervous or anything. Everyone cheered, and I thought I did pretty good. Then, I took off the dress I wore for that. (It was orange, and flowy. It looked more spanish than Hawaiian.) Underneath, I had been wearing some capris and a t-shirt. I ran over to the band room, and put on my uniform for drumline. It was pretty sweet. It was red and gold. In the drumline, it was me, Radish, and Christina on snare. Then, we had some people on bases, but I don't remember them. We did really well. Except that Christina I guess had a really big crush on Radish or something, and when she tried to get too close to him, she fell over. It was pretty funny. She got kicked out of the drumline for that. Radish kept on staring at me, it was pretty weird.Then, I had to go to The Willard's class to help him teach. I was walking down the halls, on the way there, when I woke up. (not in the dream) Well, I've asked someone to the Sophomore slide. I got Clayzy Rachy to ask Van Tan to the dance for me. It's pretty crazy. I don't think I would have imagined myself asking him. Fortunately, all my friends who liked him before are now over him. (or so they say...) anyway, that was yesterday, and I'm hoping that he answers today. I'm so excited. I don't have a crush on him or anything big, but he is a really cool guy, (and pretty good lookin too ^^) Well, I should get goin. I have a bunch of stuff to do, and I leave for the reformatory in half an hour.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
I had a strange dream last night
I woke up on the couch, so maybe that has something to do with why it's so weird.
I was reading and living "Cry the Beloved Country" at the same time. Except the story was completely different. It also had some extra characters in it. In the beginning, there was a piece of paper with a word describing the life of each character. One was "study", another was "signs"(but sometimes, when I looked back at the paper, signs turned to aliens) There were others, but I can't remember them. So, the story went on. In it, one lady was planning to kill another lady (I think it was Claire from Lost but she had already had her baby) but she had to do it at just the right time. Finally, the lady got Claire into a room alone. She said "I am afraid to close this door. I am afraid to lock it. We are alone, but I am afraid of what I must do behind that closed door." I tried to warn Claire, but I was only reading the book, so she couldn't hear me (even though it looked like I was in the same room) So, she was killed, but I don't think I saw that part. I just suddenly knew what had happened, and moved on with the story. The priest had to take care of Claire's baby. Apparently, just like in the show, no one but Claire could take care of the child, and so now the boy was creepy, and could destroy things without touching them, and stuff like that. The book ended with a funeral, but I can't remember who's it was. So, I put down the book, and was a little creeped out. I said "Finally, now I can read something else." But now, my house was in South Africa. My house was on a huge hill, overlooking a little town by the sea. The phone rang, and when I answered it, it was the first counselor of our ward. He said "Guess what, Orange? We know you're young, but we're calling you as bishop. To help you, we've also called you father as second counselor." I was shocked, and just said "ok..." He hung up. A little while later, my dad called from the church building, and said "Hey, you know we're supposed to be hosting the dance down here. We have to give the blessing." I was in my pajamas, but I didn't bother to change, for some reason. My dad picked me up, and we drove down this windy road to get to the church. On the way, I saw Mr. MB. Somehow I knew he was the prophet now. He was giving a press conference or something. He complimented my dad and I on how we were being faithful to our callings, and going to the dance. When we got inside the building, no one was there, and another church leader said "Maybe we should say the prayer later when more people are here. No one is here at the beginning of a dance anyway." So, I decided I was going to go get dressed for the dance. My dad drove me home, and he got out this 80's dress. I thought "I am really going to hate seeing everyone dressed like the 80's. But, I suppose, that since everyone else is, it would be a faux pas not to." The dress was really colorful, and the little belt on the waist was almost too small for me. My dad drove me back down, but President Lemen wasn't there anymore. I went in, and saw Soccerball. Before I could go over, though, Ashlee came over and said "What are you doing here looking so hot in that dress?" I laughed, and then said "Thanks, I'll see ya later." Then, I got in there, and there were about 500 folding chairs set up on the dance floor. I have no idea what they were doing. I saw Soccerball, and went to sit by her. I told her that my dad had gotten personally complimented by the President of the Church. Then, I told her I had been called as bishop. Then, in my mind, I thought "Wait, only those who hold the priesthood can be a bishop...and only men can hold the priesthood..." Soccerball didn't seem too phased by it, though. She just said, "wow." Then, after my reasonings, I said "Wait, no, I'm not. I guess I just had a livid dream that I was the bishop. Oh well, sorry."
That's the end. I think there's one more part, but I can't remember it. It was pretty crazy. Well, not nearly as crazy as some other ones, but still...the bishop? Anywho, I should get going. I need to finish more of my duties to society.
I was reading and living "Cry the Beloved Country" at the same time. Except the story was completely different. It also had some extra characters in it. In the beginning, there was a piece of paper with a word describing the life of each character. One was "study", another was "signs"(but sometimes, when I looked back at the paper, signs turned to aliens) There were others, but I can't remember them. So, the story went on. In it, one lady was planning to kill another lady (I think it was Claire from Lost but she had already had her baby) but she had to do it at just the right time. Finally, the lady got Claire into a room alone. She said "I am afraid to close this door. I am afraid to lock it. We are alone, but I am afraid of what I must do behind that closed door." I tried to warn Claire, but I was only reading the book, so she couldn't hear me (even though it looked like I was in the same room) So, she was killed, but I don't think I saw that part. I just suddenly knew what had happened, and moved on with the story. The priest had to take care of Claire's baby. Apparently, just like in the show, no one but Claire could take care of the child, and so now the boy was creepy, and could destroy things without touching them, and stuff like that. The book ended with a funeral, but I can't remember who's it was. So, I put down the book, and was a little creeped out. I said "Finally, now I can read something else." But now, my house was in South Africa. My house was on a huge hill, overlooking a little town by the sea. The phone rang, and when I answered it, it was the first counselor of our ward. He said "Guess what, Orange? We know you're young, but we're calling you as bishop. To help you, we've also called you father as second counselor." I was shocked, and just said "ok..." He hung up. A little while later, my dad called from the church building, and said "Hey, you know we're supposed to be hosting the dance down here. We have to give the blessing." I was in my pajamas, but I didn't bother to change, for some reason. My dad picked me up, and we drove down this windy road to get to the church. On the way, I saw Mr. MB. Somehow I knew he was the prophet now. He was giving a press conference or something. He complimented my dad and I on how we were being faithful to our callings, and going to the dance. When we got inside the building, no one was there, and another church leader said "Maybe we should say the prayer later when more people are here. No one is here at the beginning of a dance anyway." So, I decided I was going to go get dressed for the dance. My dad drove me home, and he got out this 80's dress. I thought "I am really going to hate seeing everyone dressed like the 80's. But, I suppose, that since everyone else is, it would be a faux pas not to." The dress was really colorful, and the little belt on the waist was almost too small for me. My dad drove me back down, but President Lemen wasn't there anymore. I went in, and saw Soccerball. Before I could go over, though, Ashlee came over and said "What are you doing here looking so hot in that dress?" I laughed, and then said "Thanks, I'll see ya later." Then, I got in there, and there were about 500 folding chairs set up on the dance floor. I have no idea what they were doing. I saw Soccerball, and went to sit by her. I told her that my dad had gotten personally complimented by the President of the Church. Then, I told her I had been called as bishop. Then, in my mind, I thought "Wait, only those who hold the priesthood can be a bishop...and only men can hold the priesthood..." Soccerball didn't seem too phased by it, though. She just said, "wow." Then, after my reasonings, I said "Wait, no, I'm not. I guess I just had a livid dream that I was the bishop. Oh well, sorry."
That's the end. I think there's one more part, but I can't remember it. It was pretty crazy. Well, not nearly as crazy as some other ones, but still...the bishop? Anywho, I should get going. I need to finish more of my duties to society.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Gah, I keep remembering it!
Well, I'm officially...I don't know what. The past two days, I've had constant reminders of the accident, when the Radish got stung. He thought he got stung today. I got REALLY scared, and I even started crying. I guess it's just because all the feelings from last time and this time combined, and I was really shaken up. Both times I've taken it much harder than both him and his parents. I don't know why. Fortunately, this time was a false alarm. Still, I was kinda shaky for a few hours afterwards. Anyway, it was just one of those things. I hope nothing like the last time ever happens again. Well, today was great fun. I went to drumline at my own school. I usually go to the other school to do it. I wasn't all that good (because this was an advanced line) but I thought I kept up pretty well, considering. Then, Carrot said "Oh, you're just visiting? I thought you were joining, and I was excited. Well, if you're ever interested." It was pretty cool, so I thought I might join. Then, the string bean asked The Strawberry, carrot, and me to help with his video. hehe We got to pretend to strangle him. It was pretty fun.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
The Last One Stunk
I am writing again. It makes me pretty happy. I can finally have something to shoe to my editors, and I'm actually getting somewhere. I'm actually writing about some of the things I've ben wanting to read. I just need to come up with the next destination. I've got kind of a blurry vision of something I think would be cool, but maybe not. *sigh* I am so...coquety. It's so weird to have attractions and crushes on SO many people, and they're all really cool, but I find myself in love with only one of them. It's a...kind of an unfaithful sort of feeling. But then again, I'm prolly supposed to be pretty unfaithful at this point of my life, because I really am not that old, and I can't see myself making such a huge commitment just yet, even if I sometimes want to. I really do not want to work on that history documentary, but I suppose that I should prolly start getting a bit more info. And organizing it. I prolly do things with the least efficiency possible. But, I guess I don't care. Ah well...on to the history.
YES! 16!!
I am officially able to date, drive, and everything else I couldn't before! Except drink, vote, gamble, and smoke...only one of which I want to do. I have only been on one date so far, and it was pretty good. It was really fun, and although it wasn't a "hot date" like some say, it was a blast. Last night I went to two basketball games. It was fun for most of it. 3/4 I'd say. But then, I had some...shall we say social complications to deal with. I hope I helped, but if not, she cannot say I didn't try. Anywho, I should prolly get goin. I've got to finish this WWI documentary.
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