Everyday is a turning point

I wonder how many times it will seem like the world is falling apart and putting itself back together again.

I wonder how often my soul can make new resolve and pretend like it is the first real time.

I wonder how many times I can realize what I already knew and be deeply affected.

I wonder how many times I can recover.

I wonder how many scars that will leave.

Because today feels like the first time I've been awake to everything around me. It feels like the first time I really comprehend what's been going on all along.

Will I ever escape the cycle through pain and numbness? Only feeling alive when the realization hits full force once again, punching a hole through me and continuing to gnaw slowly and painfully at the rest?

Ignorance really is bliss. Ignorance leaves room for hope. Hope is the only thing that gives any meaning to life.

Fortunately, Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. At times like these it flies south, leaving us in the cold of winter. If we survive that winter, Hope will return. Most likely, however, the Hope that returns will be a bit unfamiliar. I can only pray that I will recognize Hope when it comes back.

A Perfect Day

It was beautiful. Here's a list of things that made it the best day, at least of the week:

• Didn't have to wait to cross the street. Either time.
• Got to work on time, and didn't even have to walk fast.
• Not too many problems, confusions at work.
• Daniel not there; I got to use the compy
• We ordered more stickyback sleeves. Each box comes with a handful of candy!
• I got to see the random little office of BYU Central Stores. It's so central, it's in the middle of a building for something else!
• I unexpectedly was let out at 2:30 for graduation!
• The cookies I cooked turned out pretty good.
• I went to DoT, and saw many of my favorite people.
• I went to Music Man, and saw even more of my favorite people.
• When Clayzy was having trouble finding the coupon we needed, I made a gesture and said "appear!" The next second, she pulled it out.
• We sat behind LeggyK and Aubrey. LeggyK and I laughed quite a bit.
• I even shared an inside joke with Soccerball in the middle of the show.
• I got to play with LeggyK's camera at intermission!
  
• Mariel was so cute and gave me a great big hug.
• The OHS Marching Band welcomed me with love, and even played a song in my honor! I think Carry On will now be one of my very favorite songs.

What a night...

Well, I've had the same two people haunting my dreams for the past little while. I decided I wanted to be distracted from the worries I've been having about them, so I began to read New Moon. I knew I wouldn't be able to put it down. And I didn't. At least, not until I was exhausted and almost all the way through the book at 3:30am. During the few hours of sleep, I dreamed about places and people I don't remember, but in the end I was back in my apartment talking to Watermelon and Clarissa. There might have been a third person, but I'm not sure. I just remember saying to them "New Moon is like the story of my life. Without the physical contact, of course." For some reason, I said it three times. I woke up, and rushed to work, not only trying to be on time, but trying to distract myself from the things that once again began to creep into my mind. So, trying to think of something else, I thought about my strange dream. And I knew it was true.

I know that finishing the book will not tell me the end of my story. As I've thought about different aspects of the book, and more and more of them fit into this parallel of my life at this point, it's been a relief to think that maybe my book has a happy ending in this regard as well. I definitely am not as melodramatic as Bella is anymore. That ended for the most part after junior high. However, I must admit that every once in a while, the wound she describes applies to me: I'm metaphorically just as full of holes.

How to Save a Life

I don't really know yet; I'm still trying to figure it out.

On the one hand, isn't this supposed to be a part of life? Losing people after high school?
On the other, aren't the associations we have in this life carried on to the next, as stated by Joseph Smith? Doesn't that mean we should do our utmost to improve these associations as far as it is possible?

And...why do I feel so different from everyone else? Why does it seem that the secrets I keep inside myself never match up with any stories I hear? Why does it seem that the deepest parts of me are so disagreed with, at least by the actions of everyone around me?

Is it too vain to assume that I really am as different as it appears to my careful comparisons?