My dreams

My dreams are strange things. Sometimes they are gory, and show earthquakes and floods, and hurricanes. Other times, they are complete soap opera. It's crazy stuff. I'm not going to dream tonight. I am not going to sleep tonight. I don't have time to sleep tonight. The strange thing is, every time I have a dream, I want to cry afterward. When the dreams are good, I cry because I know they will never come true, no matter how desperately I wish they would. When the dreams are bad, I cry because of the pure shock, or because I know that in a way they have come true. My aunt wrote a song a long time ago. "I walked away with love in my hands. You walked away with a bag on your back. I stood aside with you on my mind. You stood aside with a pain in your side. What do you want now? I settled in to what feels best, you settled in to take your test. It wasn't right, and it hurts to breathe. It wasn't right and you want to leave. But, it's all worth cheating. I made a mess to make you impressed. I do suggest that it's all for love. It's not going to right, it couldn't be wrong, and I couldn't think at all. I can't believe that I'd be what you'd want. But, it's all worth cheating." I can't even say how well that fits with my life right now. I feel hurt, and cheated, and unhappy for the world, and unhappy for myself. I feel like faith is all I have left to hold on to. I can't really depend on my friends anymore, because they rarely have the time to really sit down and talk with me, and the people who do have the time don't have the understanding it seems like. So, when I talk to them, I talk to them about school, about homework, about politics, about anything except about what I'm really thinking about. I can't depend on my parents. I've seen their reaction when I tell them about what I feel like. They look at me funny, and treat me like I have something that could make me explode any minute. I hate being treated like a time bomb. So, I'm a good girl. I come home when I'm supposed to. I act like the happiest teenage girl in the world. I do my chores. I do my homework. I play with my little brothers and sisters. I do everything except what I desperately need to do. I don't know how much longer I will be able to depend upon myself. I'm very tired lately.