Utah, the best place to die in America. It's been scientifically proven

Death. I haven't thought about that subject for a while. Now that I look back, I'm really glad my days of not caring about life are long over. But, death is still a subject to think about, eh? But it's been said that death is just a horizon, and what is a horizon except for the point past which you cannot see? I think that's a really good quote, but I can't remember who said it. Well, I'm feeling like I could die any second, but I'm not welcoming it. Ok, it's not that severe, but I'm really tired emotionally, physically, socially, and mentally. I'm not sure how I'm going to endure too much more of this. In fact, it's just going to get worse. Oh well, it'll teach me a lot of life-lessons, right? Anywho, I've g2g finish up coding web page HTML for my firm. Cya.

Hm. School. Cool. *twitch*

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while. A whole lot of things have been going on. Well, I got back from Yellowstone in one piece. There isn't enough room here to write about my entire vacation, but if you really want to know about it, I've got the whole story typed up, and I could send it to ya. But I'll just let a few words suffice for now: It was ok, but I'm not going again for years and years if ever. Then, school started about 29 hours after I got home. Also, a few life changing things have occured. So, I've been pretty busy. I've decided that this year, my habits may get much better, but life is still going to be miserable. But, if my habits didn't improve, I'd be in my grave now. Three days into the horrible experience, and I'd already be dead. But, I'm trying a while lot better now. I'm in a transitional phase, I think. But, I think I'll create a different blog to talk about that kind of stuff. Anyway, that's about it. Too tired. But I still have to finish up a few more of my simulation hours. Bye.

I'm feeling too jumpy to write much

Well, this has been interesting. I had 2, count them, 2 BCRs. One of them ended early, however, because he found out I was a sophomore. He's a junior. Then, the other one was more fun, because it was this 8th grader. he's young, but he is SO funny. If circumstances had been really different, (me being younger, and not already taken) I think I'd have a big crush on that kid. But for that week it was just pretend. I also had a wee bit of a fight with Radish. But fortunately it was over really fast, and things are ok now. Pickle is being really insistant on things that I'm not sure I want. But...maybe I do want them. ANYWAY, I went to night games at violin's house. That was fun. But I biffed it and got really beat up. Well, I don't feel like writing much more. So, I'm going to instead catch up on ancient British literature, and the secrets of vanished civilizations.

Mad. Frustrated. Wrathful. Avengeful. How ever you want to put it, I ain't happy. 

A moment to vent; don't read unless you're prepared

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Everything: stupid. Everyone: curse them. Everyday: full of misery. Ms. Bingley thinks I'm her friend, muahahaha. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. I think I've done that. Now, I just need to keep an eye out. But I think that for the next week, I'm going to just lay down, and give myself up to sorrow. I've been fighting it so long, it'll be nice to have a week when I can let it take over. I'll take up the fight again when I get back from yellowstone. Maybe that isn't such a good idea, but I'm not sure I'd be able to hold up much longer anyway. I'm running out of ammunition very quickly, and the fort has taken such a beating. There are enemy troops surrounding, and I'm afraid the only thing to do would be to retreat for a ways until I can find a place where I'll have the advantage. I hope I'll be able to find that place soon. Anger is once again consuming me...I can feel the happy, nice, cheerful, optimistic me that everyone sees slipping away. Now, the depressed me, and the hateful, angry me are fighting for my emotions, for the face, for the actions. I don't know whether to scream and hit things, or to go to my room and cry. I think I'll go to the night games at violin's house tomorrow. One last time to be with everyone. One last time to see just how good my life was, and just how rotten it's going to be. I think the hateful me is winning. The only words my fingers seem to want to write, are words like "HATE HATE HATE" and "KILL" and "DIE" If Radish doesn't fulfill his promise tonight, I'm going to be extremely angry, because if he's not there anymore when I really need him, where am I supposed to turn? Tomorrow will be full of tears, and sorrowful goodbyes, and wishing, and remembering, and other things like that. I'm reminded of the song "In Dreams" from Lord of the Rings. The words go like this: "When the cold of winter comes, starless night will cover day. In the vailing of the sun, we will walk in bitter rain. But in dreams, I can hear your name. And in dreams, we will meet again." Because the cold of winter is here. And I'm afraid we'll only meet again in my dreams. Because I dream every single solitary night about my friends. I miss them even in my dreams. But I guess it's all over, and I'll just have to keep dreaming if I want to see them again before I die. I want to scream so badly! And yet, I'm on the edge of running down to my room and crying all night. ALL NIGHT. There is little to live for. My love life's a mess, my friends...gone. My family, getting to like me less and less. Marching band, matters little. I just want to know what exactly I want, and how to get it. Because if I knew that, life would be so much easier. I would be so much happier. I don't feel like doing links. I'm just going to stop now. Bye.

braces on the radish 

Waiting for disaster

Well, tonight is nothing but waiting. I'm waiting for tomorrow to come so that I can be duly depressed and horribly sad. I'm waiting for my family to finally go postal on me, and murder me in my bed. I'm waiting for Radish to get on Hello, even though I've told the kid to get on everyday this week. I know he's busy, but this is rediculous. On the note of the radish, he got braces today. He's excited, but I can't see why. As I predicted, he can't play high notes. It's going to take a really long time for me to get used to them being on. But it might take even longer seeing as I won't see him as much ever again. Well, life goes on, and whether it goes up or down we cannot say, but we can tell that our feet are still moving, and the view is different wherever we go. Profound, huh? haha just kidding, I don't think I've said anything profound in my life. I just know I'm going to cry tomorrow. Tomorrow marks the end of everything I gained, everything I loved, cherished, and worked so hard to keep going. Onion says she'll take me to my first day of high school. That sounds like fun. I'm just seriously hoping that things go better than I expect. Radish had better hang out with me sometimes, and soccerball and violin had better not give me that "I don't know you, you're insane" look that they have given me in the past, and I had better see Watermelon, Clarissa, Alissa, Cocoa Bean, and all those guys a whole lot. Because I am feeling so horrible right now. It's like I'm expecting a nuclear bomb to hit...and I guess I am; except that the bomb's going to hit my social life, my emotions, self esteem, and confidence. I guess the only thing left to do is to beg for mercy, to hope with every particle of my being, and pray for a good tomorrow. Well, now I've gotta do some more waiting, and some more crying, right after I complete the shaving down of my agenda.

Questions, problems, and issues...and none of them actually exist

The title is just a quote from me padre. He was commenting about the thoughts in my head after I saw the Village. I really liked it, no matter what all the critics, and some weird people say. It may not have been a thriller, or a typical horror movie, but it was good. It had a good amount of scary, and had an unexpected ending. Or, maybe it was just unexpected because I was very tired. But, I think I mostly liked it because of the romance in the middle. That's probably the biggest factor of every movie. It's gotta have the intrigue. That part was great. Yup, you guessed it...I'm obsessed. Anyway...marching band is fun. We're in the middle of band camp right now. It's getting a little stressful, because everyone is getting really tired, and really wired, and wound tight. So, there's a lot of stuff going on that's kinda frustrating. I'm really not wanting Friday to come. Because that will be like the last day of summer. Next week, my family and I are going to Yellowstone. Then, school starts. And at school, I won't see Alissa, Clarissa, The Watermelon, or Cocoa Bean at all. It's going to be a huge whole. Sure, I'll have great friends, but it's just going to have this void where they all used to be. I'm going to miss The Watermelon's flirting, and having someone else to be obsessed with boys with, and to do crazy things with. And then I'm going to miss Clarissa for the kind of rare, but absolutely hilarious things she says, and also how she was always so shocked at the things watermelon and I did, and how she kept us in line most of the time. And then Alissa's quietness during class, but then super hyperness when we're having fun. Cocoa Bean isn't in our grade anyway, but I'll still miss our little punchy things. It's just going to be me, soccerball, and violin. I've gotten really close to Radish and Green Bean in marching band, but when school starts, green bean will go to the other school. And I'm going to miss Radish really bad, even though he'll be at the same school. He's got his own friends, and I'm positive he's going to want to hang out with them so much more than he'd want to hang out with us. I think I've cried for hours every single night this week about the change that's coming. I even snuck away for a little bit during marching band, and just broke down and cried. I'm just not sure where I'm going to fit in. I mean, soccerball and violin are awesome, and I love hanging out with them, but they just might be a little smart for me, or at least it seems that way. In the past, it hasn't seemed like they've appreciated the weird things I say...it just doesn't seem like I fit quite right with them. I love those guys, and I wouldn't trade them for anyone. I just keep thinking about how they just won't be the same. I mean, they don't have matching rackets, they would never drink mustard with me, they aren't the flirting variety of people, they don't draw pictures of silly things, they wouldn't let me go to sleep on their backs, they don't see the world in the hilarious light that I do. It's just like that song..."life was changed, disassembled, rearragned." I don't know how I'm going to survive. It's so hard to be myself without an audience that appreciates me. I'm just not used to it. Well, I guess I'll just go...I don't even feel like forcing my opinion on that coworker anymore. Oh well. bye.

Mustard, one of life's simple pleasures 

Violin 

soccerball 

hyperness 

ukulele 

Cocoa Bean 

Alissa the Banana (or Bananer for the English) 

Incredibly tired, but can't sleep

I think that the last few days of little or no sleep have finally caught up with me. I'm finding it hard to function. But, I just can't ge to sleep, nor do I really have the desire to. But that doesn't mean I can just mope around the house, I still have work to do. I just barely put my appetizers in the oven for YW. I hope they turn out ok. I had a lot of SNAFUs while trying to make them. Probably because I left them to the last day. First, half of one of the onions I was going to use went rotten. So, I had to use a white onion, and a red onion. Then, I accidentally messed up some measurements, but fortunately that was cleared up easily. I substituted sugar for honey, so that I would like it a little better. But I'm still worried. Well, only time will tell. If they turn out bad, I'll just say it's gourmet French, and then everyone will know why it tastes so weird...lol Anywho, we signed up for the Las Vegas rooms today. Allissa, Cocoa Bean, and Allissa's sister invited me to share a room with them. It's going to be great fun! Then, I signed up to bus with The Radish, The Green Bean, The Onion, SS, and a few others. It's gonna be AWESOME!! I'm so excited I can't even express myself. Yesterday, it was pretty funny. We decided who The Watermelon was going to like next by writing down names and then picking one out of a mug. I won't disclose who it was that we chose, but I enjoyed the ridiculousness of the whole thing. Well, I've got a multistake dance this Saturday, and I am so darn excited that I could just burst. I also have about the same level of excitement for Band Camp next week. 9 hours a day with so many of my favorite fruits and vegetables! Just thinking about it makes me all tingly inside hehe. Oh, I took this quiz on Tickle.com, it was called "What kind of flirt are you?" My results said that I was a "Smooth Flirt". It was hilarious. It said a bunch of stuff about how people can't resist me, and that I have all the right moves. I laughed forever. I do flirt a lot, I think, but...oh well, whatever. My dad comes home tonight! I can finally burn the DVD I made! Halelujah! It's even got bonus features! I think I said that already, but I just like it. I amaze myself...jk. Well, I've got some urgent transactions I need to make final.

Happy Orange! 

Hey hey hey!

I just realized recently that I have no pressing problems at all! I feel so happy with myself. Everything that seemed so big and evil, and depressing, now all seem far away, or else I have solved them already. Life is just good. Good, and good. I love it! I finished my DVD, and now I just have to wait for Dad to come home so that I can finish burning the movie onto the DVD. I'm so excited, it even has bonus features. I've gotten my schedule. It seems just right. Not too hard, not too easy. I am a little sad, though, because I probably won't have many classes with my friends. Oh well, there's always lunch and after school, right? Well, hopefully it'll all turn out ok. I just can' express the ease and the relaxation that I'm feeling right now. I feel like the world is mine. I wonder if most people feel like this most of the time, or if it's an abnormal kind of thing. Well, at any rate, it's abnormal for me! And I just can't get over how good it feels. Well, today was a good day. I went to marching band. We set more of the drill. I love doing the show. It's so much better than parade marching, and also it reminds me of Las Vegas. I think that having a BTR would be fun. It would be just a joke, and I could laugh and make jokes about it. I'm considering possible candidates. I think that probably SS or The Radish would be good. But then again, there are a lot of other choices. Seeing as everyone says I'm their favorite hehe. Plus, I'm getting an awful lot of attention from SS. Today someone said that he only giggles when he's around me. I thought it was funny, but I also respect her oppinion. But either way, maybe it's a bad idea. Then again...

I've gotta go remedy some miscalculations in the beta version formula. Bye