Everyone knows I'm in over my head

I need a project. I need...something to do, something to focus on besides the end. "I'm becoming part of the past." I need to be more grateful, more hopeful. Oh help me.

When we're young we set our minds upon some beautiful idea

What a bummer evening. I'm done with everything. And don't feel satisfied in any frivelous activities. And I'm too distracted to do the optional (though difficult) activities I had planned on.

Oh, strange illusions...thou art my downfall.

I'm doing my best...but at this point, it all seems...futile. Notice the ellipses? Yeah. That communicates my lack of understanding of my own feelings. No, I lied. I understand. I just disapprove. AH! I just said "Good heavens, child." to myself! What am I to do with a self as strange as mine?

I think I'm just going to have to buckle down and get myself to be satisfied socially. I go through cycles...mostly, (this year, anyway) it's been euphoric. But...sometimes it's just not enough. And I know it will never be enough until something is guaranteed. But that only happens never. So, self, be happy. You've got what you've always dreamed of. Well, most of it.

And what a life it is

I hope this and my journal, my own records, are testaments of the tender mercies of the Lord, just as Nephi's records are. This whole year, I've been blessed far beyond anything I deserved. I am beginning to see some of the blessings promised in my patriarchal blessing, as well as things I never dreamed I would receive. My only trials were caused by myself (which seems to be a trend for me) and my joys were rarely dependent upon my own hard work (ha that sounds exactly like the cognitive view of the cause of depression). This only causes me more gratitude for the wonderful way this year has turned out. Things have not gone the way I expected or planned. They have been even better.

Here's a list of blessings I actually worked for:

• Getting into BYU School of Music

Hm. Wow. What a list. Here's a list of things that have just come, some of which I didn't even see coming (or maybe see as blessings) until they were already in place:

• Friendships with Cherry and LeggyK. I never expected to gain any close friends this year, but those two are a couple of my favorite people ever. Senior year would have been unbearably dull without their company and crazy plans.
• Having a job this summer and for the rest of my college experience.
• Near campus housing during the summer and all through school.
• A greater love for those around me, and an ability to get along with those I never thought I would be able to.
• A chance to film the movie!
• The ability to survive. Like I said, though...the only thing I've really had to survive is the torture I put myself through.
• Being in A Cappella. I have enjoyed it immensly, and I'm not exactly sure why I don't get as annoyed with the whole situation as Cucumber and some others.
• Mr. Lyon! Haha need I say more?
• Opportunities to savor this last year of high school. I've had so many chances to relax and be a kid hanging out with friends. I can't even express how grateful I've been for that.
• Chances to make a difference for people. The best thing ever is when I can help someone spiritually or emotionally. There is nothing greater than to see or sense that smile of gratitude.
• A bit more humility. I hope.
• A better perspective for everything that happens: more hope about the future, less dependence on the past, and a greater appreciation for the present.