Do I rebel, or submit?

Ready? AHH!!!!! I just screamed out of frustration. Because I have no control. No control. No. None. Sometimes I feel like I hate...but I know I'm just scared. I know I just don't want to lose people. Friends mostly. I'm so scared. So sometimes I try to stop feeling anything toward the people I think are going to leave me. It doesn't work. I just end up missing them more. Then, when I give in, and I think "yes! I do want to be your friend! I do want to be involved in the things your are involved in, and I want to talk to you!" Then I remember...you don't talk to me anymore. That's what made me scared in the first place. But that's also what frustrates me. Because I have no control. I can only love and hope I am loved in return. Too bad there's no law of...ah! I can't even spell the word. Well, too bad! I'm just going to have to accept it. I can't be scared anymore...just either rediculously optimistic, or just realistic and...totally accepting of all things as they come. I don't know! “It is difficult for a woman to define her feelings in a language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.” - Thomas Hardy. And according to psychology, one thinks in words, and therefore the human mind finds it difficult to think about anything it does not have a word for. Maybe THAT is why I have such a hard time understanding myself! I don't want to be a slave to affection! I don't want to go chasing after things that aren't going to last! Is it worth the temporary pleasure? What pleasure? NO! I can't take any more of your polite waves and smiles! You are going to let me know if my affection is wanted, and then (and ONLY then) will it be freely given. I can't simply hand you my smiles anymore! You don't even want them, I'll reckon. At least...you don't value them at the price it takes me to give them. It takes courage to try again. The rewards aren't good enough at this point. Maybe later it will be easier for both of us. Or maybe neither of us will even care anymore.