Vague introspection. Not worth reading. But I needed to write it

I failed. Sometimes we just crash. No matter how hard we try, there are times when we fall, when we fail. That's a part of life. Getting up and trying harder is an even more important part. But, sometimes it takes a little time. I'm going to need a bit of time before I have the strength. Maybe an hour, maybe a few more. Immerse myself in music and thought. Take a vacation from stress and doubt. I need to forget the bad and come back fighting. I need some time to plan and to reflect without any pressure from the next day, the next minute, the next hard thing I have to get over. Questions...why does she? Why does he? Why do I? I don't know, and maybe I don't have to know right now. I just have to try. Try. try....Even now, what am I suppressing? Do I even need to suppress, or should I face it and deal with it, then move on? *sigh* The stake president was right. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised when I realize that prophesies made by a man of God come to pass. I guess that when he said that this year would be hard, I didn't think it would be this kind of hard.

1 Corinthians 13:12

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Outside

How am I to warn you? You barely know me. I'm an outsider. That dog has the eyes of a wolf. You think you love him. Do you really? There, he clasps your hand, not letting you go. Here, he holds you close. Does he love you? Do you wonder the same yourself? I wonder. Is his loyalty self-indulgence? Are his puppy dog looks only used to blind you to the truth of his nature? I fear for you. You were so good. I wanted so badly to get to know you, and to know the precious spirit housed within. Now, what am I to do? Am I to watch him kiss all resistance away? Am I to hear in my head the cliches, how he convinces you how much he needs you, how much he wants to be with you? Do I abandon all hope? I cannot. The tender spirit is still there, and is still precious. I see it in your eyes. But I see it giving itself away. Why? For acceptance? Do you need someone to love you? I don't think you're looking for kisses, for a hand to hold. I think you are giving more of yourself because you just want to ensure that he still gives you that little bit. Simply to have someone. I think I understand the longing, the pull. Still, the more you give, the more he can take away. He has a wolf in his eyes. He's not going to give you what you truly need. He's not going to leave without tearing you apart. Don't be so easily convinced simply because that's what you want, what you need to hear. Please watch out. I wish there was something I could do to make you see, or at least to keep you on your guard. Don't give yourself away. You have so much to give, and he's a wolf for taking it.

Not depressing. I promise.

Only harder can it get;
There's more uphill before the down.
Yet, because now is lighter than then,
Why: instead of rejoicing, I frown?

The body is weak, the spirit too.
The hands hang down and drag.
Though laughter and smiles should habit be,
Complaint within doth nag.

There is an escape, though no ladder here.
'Tis far above my gaze.
Still, with prayer and mighty strength,
My Lord will there me raise.

"Oh help me scale the cold, slick walls,
And let me not despair."
Then glory be, before me see,
With each new word, a stair.

Every step He helps me build;
The finest materials used:
Humility, Obedience, and Faith,
Long-Suffering, Gratitude.

Soon, the door is at my hand;
I kneel upon the planks.
For though I reach it when I stand,
I am closer giving thanks.

-Eliza Woodhouse

Update available

I am so easily pleased...a new version of MSN, iTunes, or anything else I use sends thrills down my spine. Wow. That's pretty pathetic. I guess I mostly love to explore new features, and admire the new, sleek look. Aesthetics are 90% of marketing.

Oh, and I just LOVE Pride and Prejudice. The movies always make me all giggly, and the book is even better. The music on the new one is so good. I ADORE Mr. Bingley. He is just so friendly, humble, and so in love. His quirks make him all the more adorable. Of course, I have no crush at all on the actor, or on the fictional character. I simply note that I think I could find myself as smitten as Jane by someone like him.

Turning Saints into the Sea, and Left-Handed Bowling

This will be hard. Like bowling. What turns saints into that treacherous, inconsistant, spiteful being, the sea? None other than that which has ultimate power when given into: Jealousy. A combination of all that is evil in the world, but packaged in a form that can be slipped into the most clean of draughts of life. What are some of the most important virtues in this life? Love, faith, humility, long-suffering. What are the ingredients to this most vile of poisons? Hate, fear, pride, and impatience, perhaps despair. Exact opposites. When does the adversary have the best opportunity to slip this poison into our systems? When we are most vulnerable: in that condition of human affection. We go to take a large gulp of pure affection and Christ-like love, and find ourselves choking on the potassium chloride of jealousy. If not treated soon, and avoided later, this poison can paralyze us to all healthy relationships, and perhaps even to an emotionally healthy lifestyle. Most certainly it will sicken our spirits and cause the Holy Ghost to cease to strive with us.

Now, to the bowling part. It is going to be very hard for me to completely remove this jealousy from my heart. It is a trick that Satan has used again and again, and it continues to work. I wish I could say it was his last resort, but that would not be true. Anyway, right now, it's all a little like my struggle with bowling. I used to be really good at bowling, but these last few times have been HORRIBLE. I just get gutterballs almost every time! It's really emabarassing, so I've been trying my hardest to figure out what I can do to improve my bowling game. I tried perfecting my curve. It would consistantly curve the opposite way and go in the gutter. I tried removing the curve. Went in the gutter. I tried moving to different locator dots and aiming differently. Gutterball. Hm...so I gave up and bowled left handed. 9 pins. I tried it again; 7 pins. Well, it's not the best, but better than with my right hand. So, lately, I've been searching myself for ways to remove this jealousy. Maybe it's time to give up and get a different perspective. Now, I'm not comparing one's left hand to a heavenly being (sorry Clayzy and Radish) but I think it's time to let Him help me make weak things (the left hand) strong.

How can I see?

In my opinion, the veil not only covers what we knew about our Father, the plan, and our brothers and sisters in the premortal life, but also things we knew about ourselves. Of course, maybe it was hard to see even then. How, then, are we to see these flaws and strengths hidden far within us?

Trials. Trials are the names of the game. Trials bring out both the bad and the good in us, which helps us to learn if we allow ourselves to recognize and to learn and grow from these discoveries. In finding a strength, we can hone and improve that quality, that gift, and use it more often to help us through other trials. Likewise, when we recognize a fault, or weakness, we are then able to work that fault out of our lives, or to make that weakness strong.

This growth, of course, comes through our dependence upon the Savior and His Atonement. Only through Him can salvation come unto the children of man, and only through Him can weakness be made strong, and sins be made clean.

So, not only do trials test us, and remind us of our dependence upon Him, but they also provide the perfect environment for us to recognize things in us that we may not have recognized otherwise. Thank goodness for the plan.

Spiritual Renewal

Wow. Today was amazing. Stake/Regional conference was AMAZING. President Monson had so much to say, and I just left feeling like I could tackle the world and all its temptations. I had heard for the first time a few days ago that playing cards were specifically counseled against by general authorities. I decided to find out for myself, and sure enough, President Kimball said that "We hope faithful Latter-day Saints will not use the playing cards which are used for gambling, either with or without the gambling." Ouch. I collect playing cards. My whole family has begun to follow after, and we have several stacks in our house. Family Reunions are centered around card games using face cards. My childhood was filled with learning and playing these games. Well, with every desire to be a faithful Latter-Day Saint and to follow the prophet, I did something which was very hard for me. I ripped up and threw away all my playing cards. I kept certain cards to represent the decks with the most sentimental value (those given to me by friends, and the ones from Canada) but the fewness of number removes any temptation or possibility of playing a game with those cards. (I only kept one or two from certain decks) Soon, my brothers and sisters followed my example, and we filled an entire trashcan with the ripped up face cards (and still have more to dig out and throw away.) It probably reveals a lot of bad in me to say how difficult it was to throw them away, but already, I feel the confirmation of the Holy Ghost that I'm on the right path. But I still have a LONG way to go. I hope this doesn't sound boastful, because I'm not trying to tell you all how good I was. I'm not telling you "everyone who wants to be my friend has to get rid of their playing cards." No. I just wanted you all to know how good it feels. I just wanted to express gratitude for the friend who told me what the prophet said in a loving way, and not in a "you are a sinner for playing with those" way. I wanted to thank you all for setting the example, and helping me to stay on the path. For steadying my steps, for lifting my hands when they hang down. Thanks.

It finally happened.

Steve Irwin, filming one of his famous, dangerous wildlife shows, was killed by a stingray. The poisonous barb punctured his heart, and he was dead before paramedics could arrive. I suppose that this shouldn't surprise me as much as it does; he was known for tackling crocs, picking up deadly snakes, spiders, etc. Still, it crushes a piece of my childhood. The unkillable man. I always thought he would end up dying of something normal like cancer, heart disease, a car crash. That's usually what happens to amazing people. But he dying while doing what everyone said would kill him. I guess it's less that he was unkillable, but more that the world was right. It's dangerous, and no matter how good you are, no matter how careful, things happen. Something happened. I wonder what his wife feels. "I told him so?" No. Maybe she feels about the same as if he had died of cancer, or a heart disease. But he was doing what he loved to do. So in a way, it was an incurable disease. Because who wants to stop someone from fulfilling their dreams?

Sittin in the tree...K I S S I N G

Someone once said, "I wanted to be kissed more than I wanted to breathe." Now, I'm DEFINATELY not that far gone, but I do wonder sometimes...What's the big deal, and how did that come to be?

The first documented kissing (as we know it) was found from 1500 BC in India. Alexander the Great and his army, while attempting world domination, discovered this practice, and spread it wherever they went (All over the Middle East, and then to the Romans who spread it all over Europe).

Looking at the kisses of other cultures, and what they mean, prehaps we can better understand. Eskimos engage in what is referred to as "nose kissing". This sounds absolutely abhorrent, but really, I think it's rather romantic. In their culture, it is believed that breath is a part of the soul. So, to symbolise the intermingling/giving of souls, they bring their faces together, kinda cheek-to-cheek, and breathe. Breathing (Keep in mind that anything so unique as kissing, when boiled down and described in words, is never as good as the real thing)

Just a sec, I have to go watch the sunrise.
Ok. I'm back.

Breathing in just a part of one's soul, and giving to them your own. This, as much as anything, is a symbol of a spiritual union, a promise and a confession. Without any vulgar implications, or opportunites for desecration. Lucky. India has changed a lot since their invention of the kiss; there is now a fine or even a jail penalty for PDA in that country as well as in Malaysia and Pakistan. Indonesia is trying to pass a law to giving PDA a 10 year jail penalty. Indians, instead of "nose kissing," bring their mouths near each other for much of the same symbolism. I don't like this quite so much, mouth breath isn't my favorite thing. Still, same idea. In Japan, kissing is the same, but made mostly private. Kissing in movies is not considered a "virtous custom". Some Africans believe that the mouth is a portal to the soul, so they don't allow anyone to kiss them for fear of having their soul stolen.

So, what does this mean, then? Is this totally a sociocultural thing? Does it mean nothing without the cultural interpretation? Or is there something else at work here?

Biologically, kissing releases endorphins and acts on nerve endings which are more sensative than most others because they are wired directly to the brain. Unfortunately, an average of 278 colonies of bacteria are exchanged in every kiss. However, although hard to believe, the good points may outweigh the bad. Kissing prevents tooth decay and plaque (but don't ask me how, I don't wanna tell you). It also reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and boosts the immune system by increasing oxytocin levels in the body. By working 34 muscles of the face, kissing slows the aging process and burns 4 to 6 calories a minute (compared to 11 on the treamill).

So, to the US culture? Kissing is about as ingrained in us as breathing. When asked whether they would give up kissing or something more involved, an overwhelming 63% would keep kissing, and 16% said it was too hard to decide. Men who kiss their wives before leaving for work generally has a higher income than he who does not. The average woman will kiss 79, count them, 79 guys before marriage. 92% of teenagers are not VL. Yay for the 8%. I hope to be among your ranks for a while. Still...it's kind of an exciting thing to look forward to...ha.

Brown.

Do you ever wish you could express a thousand feelings with one word? Like a million songs going on at once, and you want to condense it all into one sound? So many colors, opinions, ideas, theories and plans, I haven't the time to even explain them all mentally to myself. So, as if I were to throw a billion shades of paint onto the canvas....BROWN. Swirly Brown. Wow.

Will you find me when we leave Neverland?

LDS teens have it the best, but the most confusing. "These feelings are good. Now don't act on them." ok...Pretend they don't exist? No. Ok, then maybe tell the other person? No! Hm...then I should just hope they like me too. Heck no, what good does that do you until he goes on a mission? I don't know. I just thought....No. Oh. Sorry. It's just that this sounds like the perfect setup for nervous breakdown to me.