Wee!!

I'm so excited! I'm so excited to raise my kids, and to clean my house, and to make my husband little presents ^_^ The cleaning and cooking won't be so fun, but it'll be awesome and worth it because of who I'll be doing it for! I'm SO excited!! But a little scared, too. What do I do when my kids fight? Will I be a good enough example? Will I slip into my old ways and be a naggy, annoying wife? And it's so close! In 3 years I could have my first child! I'M FREAKED OUT! But excited! ghghgghghghgh that was my short-circuiting. Wee! that was my excitement. I can't decide! Oh well, might as well start getting ready. Gotta be a great mom!

North Korea

I just learned about North Korea...it was horrible. Their capital is all a show, where they've built skyscraper hotels and apartment buildings and palaces, but guess what? NO ONE LIVES THERE. There are a bunch of tour guides for the visitors that rarely, if ever, come. It was so creepy. And people that don't cooperate...I don't even want to talk about it. The government doesn't let their people see what happens outside, and they feed them rediculous fairytales about their leaders so everyone thinks they are wonderful, and that they have supernatural powers...Thousands of their children practice 6 hours a day either to perform for visitors, or simply to honor the leader. People are starving, and they build museums about how America has split their country, and how they treated people during the war...all of what they say about America is untrue, but...wow. I had no idea. How can people live like that? How can people just watch people live like that? WHY HAVE WE NOT DONE ANYTHING?!

Ice Skating

I should just ask what I did. Someday. Not now. What to say...what to say....nothing. There's nothing that hasn't already been said. Sad. He is pushing me away...Oh well. Today we went ice skating. I have wanted for a long time to be a figure skater. I know I never will, but it's just so beautiful...the way they glide, and spin, and do leaps so effortlessly. It looks like it feels so good. It just makes you long to be part of it, to create something beautiful...I love skating, and gliding across the ice. It feels great. It's great fun.

lalala

Scott - his 15 year old. Or Anna.
Doug - Rachel
Grant - Annelise
Hannah - Krystian
Kolin - Bree
Bryan - Greer
Tom - Some Asian Princess (she'll prolly make you miserable)
McKay - Bonnie (it was in a dream)
Missy - Josh
Justin - Melissa wow, cool
Caleb - You can marry Kathleen, for all I care
Jex - Britany (sorry, Janae, I know you've liked him forever, but I just don't think you two are...right for eachother)

This is a list of several of my friends, and it includes all the boys I've ever liked, and who I've put them with to marry. Some are thought out, some are blehnesses.
And the rest of you I haven't conjectured yet, don't be mad. And those of you on the list, don't be mad. These are simply what I've come up with, or haven't come up with, and...whatever. Well, yes, I'm not on the list. Ha. Ha ha. ha

wee I should write the last names

Liz/Anna Monson
Rachel Gaufin (hm...could take some getting used to)
Annelise Jones (ooo I like)
Hannah Perez (another get used to)
Bree Anne Harrision (hehe)
Greer Merrill
uh let's name her Shaniqua Heaton
Bonnie Heaton
Missy...uh...
Melissa Benson (oooo)
Kathleen Stone (meh)
Britany Jex (hm...maybe that wasn't the best choice afterall)

YES! This one isn't going to be depressed or angry!

I've been sick for the past two days, that's ok, though, I usually never have problems with health. I got to miss school, so that's happy. But it was the end of the term, so I still had to do hw while I was sick, and other things happened, so now I have bad grades. But that's ok! Yeah, today I felt better, so I did my chores, plus some other things my mom wanted me to do. Then, when I was done, I asked if I could go play, and she said I was too sick! After doing my chores, on top of other things she told me to do. But that's ok! At least I got some chores done! And then at least I had some time to be bored! I almost never get that anymore! I'm glad so many of my friends got to have so much fun, even though I wasn't there. I'm glad my mom is so protective of me! I'm so happy that she didn't let me go, even though I'm not even sick! I'm so happy! I'm especially happy that so many cool boys were there, and that they were all playing my favorite group sport, even though I couldn't be there to enjoy it! I'm SO HAPPY!

Things Change. This is an Analysis.

AN ANALYSIS

Coming rudely into the world with a breath of stale air, a seperate human being.That was a big change, and I wasn't looking forward to any more. At any change of feeling (hunger, pain, indigestion, etc.), change of climate (too hot, too cold, too wet), or change of circumstance (where's my mommy, you freaky 12-year-old sitter?!) I cried. I liked being at a status-quo, and was happy just as long as everything in the world was right.

As a child, change couldn't come sooner. Always longing for the next birthday, constantly wondering when next week was, when I would be older, when we could change rooms, paint something, when we would move, anything. Change was a welcome event. Maybe that's because I didn't like the status-quo. I didn't really like my childhood. Anyway, that changed.

I searched for change until I got it. For most who go searching for change, things change for the worst. I was extremely fortunate, and things changed for the better. After a bit of a plataeu, things changed again. I was confused. Once you find where you want to be, aren't you allowed to stay there?

Well, that outlook changed. I've got a little more of a handle on the concept of constant change, although it's still tough to handle. Now I see that life is going to rush past no matter what I do. I just have to grab whatever growth and memories I can along the way. If only it was that easy, eh?

(sorry, I'm REALLY sick, so this prolly sounds a wee bit dilusional...oh well, haha)

Comparing the two

So, I've been sounding pretty depressed about the whole guy situation. I don't really feel very depressed anymore! However, there has been a recent development; I hate liking two guys at the same time. I feel...unfaithful, if that makes sense. There is no romance in having a crush on two. So I suppose I must now take the time to look at myself and both of them, and look at the pros and cons (haha sounds perfectly medieval)

Talking to them both at the same time. I like them both for different reasons. One plays to my girlish fancies...an older man (ok, only slightly) who is funny, smart, handsome, sought after, talented and a really good dancer. Oh, yeah, and he can sing. *sigh* He danced with me the other night. Twice. The first time it was a swing, and I said, "Hey! Can you swing?" and he said "Teach me!" so I did, but he danced as if he had known how before...and it was SO fun. Then the second was a slow dance, and I just kinda went with the flow but he danced closer than anyone else I've danced with (and it wasn't anything scandalous, although I must admit it was a wee bit under the Book of Mormon mark...*cringes reflectively*) I think that was when I first started really liking him. It's amazing what one slow dance can do to an impressionable young girl like me...BUT ANYWAY...he talks to me all the time for hours, and he asks advice, and he gives me advice when I ask, and he's so sweet, and he begs me to do solos and he begged me to be in drumline, and he protects me from the dumb seniors who flirt shamelessly (and sometimes a little violently) but have girlfriends of their own, and he called me dear tonight (ok, that probably didn't even mean anything, but I liked it) But there is a complication. He talks a lot about how much he likes this other girl. My friend. Or...at least he did. He still behaves as if he likes her, though. So that leads me to think. Hm. *thinking* Perhaps he's toying with me.

Then the second. I've written about him vaguely for a while. He plays on exactly zero of my girlish fancies, but he does have things that are simply irresistable about him. He's handsome, I've known him for a LONG time, he plays guitar and sings, we talk for hours on end (if I can manage to keep him around anymore...I'll talk about that later) he's smarter than even I realized before, he's wiser than anyone I know, he's perfectly honest, trustworthy, patient, he surprises me everytime I talk to him, he is talented, hilarious, and just so darn cute! Mostly cute in how he acts, how he gives me that look of surprised, incredulous embarassment. How he looks out of the corners of his eyes when he's pretending to be mischievous or sarcastically disapproving. He's cute when he hides behind a fork, or hits a wrong note or misses a hit in ping pong (I think he does it to make me feel better) and makes a little squeal of amused displeasure. He's adorable when he smiles that one smile that's somehow like Gatsby's smile: he understands me but he puts up with me anyway, and he has just enough sparkle in his eye to make me laugh and just enough care in the soft curve of his mouth to make me melt. I love it when he gets excited about the gospel, and we talk about how cool one doctrine or another is. I love how he connects almost everything to the scriptures. He is so steadfast, and so laid back when it comes to people annoying him (he NEVER gets mad) but he gets so worried about being perfect himself, and to make eneryone happy, and to fulfill ALL of his responsibilities. It's great how he teases me every once in a while and it catches me off guard because he's usually so careful to be nice to me. Perhaps not out of the way nice anymore, though. There's the complication. Maybe he does it to keep us both safe. It seems like the sort of noble, valiant thing he would do. Maybe he does it to get me to find someone he would consider better for me. Maybe he just doesn't want me to get my hopes up, just to have them dashed. For whatever reason he distances himself, I cannot accuse him truthfully of being meanspirited, conceited or heartless. He just...isn't, and never has been. So I think I honestly like the first one. Yes, I have a pretty big crush on that first guy. But I just might be falling in love with the second...

They're writing songs of love, but not for me...

I guess it's me. I guess I'm just not that girl. I guess I'll just have to suck it up, and accept that there's nothing about me that's attractive. Sure, you can shower me in compliments, sincere or not, but I don't think it's going to help anymore. It cuts too deeply. No matter what group of boys I hang out with (some of which I have the biggest crushes on), I have to sit and listen to them talk about all the girls they like. And whaddya know? None of them are me. And twice...I've been so sure! The first time I was right, but he is unintentionally the cruelest person I have ever known. So that obviously didn't work out for more than a single minute. Then the second time...he held me so tight...I shoudn't have entertained it, but gosh, I have my girlish fancies too! And boy did it feel good...oh MAN did it feel good...but no. I must have imagined it? I don't know! It felt...But then today was...WHO JUST DOES THAT!? *sigh* back to my guy friends. Even on dates. What the heck? The whole time, "yeah, so-and-so is so cute." Am I so horrible that I'm not even to be respected when you ask me out? What am I to you!? I can't blame my guy friends for gushing how much they like this girl or that girl, but no matter how many guys I talk to...it'll always be someone else. And I don't even get asked to dances. What is it about me? I've tried not trying, I've tried trying, maybe I'm trying too hard to not try too hard? I dunno. Maybe I lack grace, beauty, goodness, and all those things that are required...sigh. Well, that's ok. I'll just suck it up. I'll just get over it. I'll just live my own life. I don't need a boy to complete my self-esteem! ha wow...I'm such a liar

I saw you the other day;
It all went down the same.
We laughed and grinned, but never dared
To even say the other's name.
You wonder why I'm different,
But ignore the things I say.
I have to hide the love I'm feeling
Just to make you stay.

I cry in the shower,
So I can't count my tears.
I plan for tomorrow
And silence all my fears.
Sure it seems pathetic,
But you don't have my view.
So I cry in the shower
And drown all mem'ries of you.

I know I'll never have you
But that doesn't mean I won't try.
I know there's no use chasing
After any other guy.
Yes, you may have used me
And left me here for dead,
Somehow I still can't hate you,
I love you more instead.

So I cry in the shower
So I can't count my tears.
I plan for tomorrow
And oil all my gears.
Sure, I'm lost and listless,
But since there's nothing I can do,
I cry in the shower,
Drowning all mem'ries of you.

I'm building a dam from the bottom up.
I'm drinking from the bitter cup.
Doing whatever I have to do
To rid my mind of the thought of you.

I cry in the shower
So I can't count my tears.
Planning for tomorrow
Doesn't make up for lost years.
It may not help the matter,
But what else can I do?
I cry in the shower,
So I can't count my tears.
Vow to live through one more day,
And hide my troubles from my peers.
There's no use pointing fingers,
Or giving you any clue,
So I cry in the shower
And drown all mem'ry of you.

- Eliza Woodhouse

to cry or not to cry

THIS IS AN ANALYSIS

I just love to cry. It makes me feel so much better. It makes me feel somehow justified, it makes me feel right. It makes me feel like I've won somehow. "Ha, now I've cried over you, whatcha gonna do about that, eh?" It's like a medal in some ways. Having truly cried means you've gone through something traumatic. It means that you've accepted it, it means that you've taken at least that step to making things better. Crying makes me more humble. During the time it takes for me to sob my eyes out onto the pillow, I have time to think. I think about people who have it worse than me (of course, that makes me cry harder). I think about why I'm crying, and why that would make me sad enough that I would cry over it. So what if it appears that he uses the most subtle devices of torture to get at me in every direction, and in some directions I didn't even know existed? So what if I feel like I'm disappointing myself and everyone around me? So what if I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life anymore? Why should that affect me? Crying gives me a chance to deeply think about myself, and who I am, and what I'm going to do about it. Crying gives me a chance to say, "I want to give up; I want that more than I want a lot of things. But I'm not going to." Crying gives me a chance to dip into the well of self pity and taste the bitter. Then, I want the sweet again more than ever. I can come out of crying with a better attitude, with a plan, with a purpose. So I'm going to cry. I'm not going to cry in public. But I NEED to cry. Because life isn't about crying. Life is about knowing why you're crying. Life is about taking that, and turning it into something that will make everyone's lives a little less horrible.

Do not despair

Easy to say, hard to do. When everything says give up, how can you just say no? Will I find in myself that strength? How deep will I have to dig to find it? Or have I already? Do not despair. There are bigger things at work here, bigger than I can understand. Do not despair. Keep trying, keep finding a little more motivation each day. Continue to try new things, to make new goals, and to DO SOMETHING to improve this period of time called life. Because it's not that long. Still, do not despair. There is a greater force than my own. And it is on my side. So I will not despair. For I have a knowledge that is not of myself. I have a surety that does not come from logic, for all reasoning fails in these instances. I have a strength that cannot be built in a gym, cannot be refined in a psychiatrist's office, and cannot be broken by any amount of explosives. That strength may not be yet strong in comparison to its potential, or even in comparison to the strength of others. But I am going to need it if I'm going to survive. I need it already. I need it if I'm not going to despair.

Time - An Analysis

MR. RICH - THIS IS AN ANALYSIS

What is time?

Hours, seconds, days, and months are all of human creation. Measurements of time, according to the sun and moon. Yet, how can we pretend to measure something so intangible? There is no ruler, no thermometer, no physical way to measure. It is a miracle that the world has become standardized in their measurement, for there is nothing to relate time to. You can say: one liter is the amount of water contained in 100cm3, and that one meter is equal to one ten-millionth of the distance between the poles. However, there is no such way to talk of time. How can you prove that something lasted one hour, when you can only say so out of one or two people's measurements? Repitition of experiments in time are impossible; that time period is gone.

Age is another human measurement, measuring the amount of time one has lived. An estimate of the life experience, and an instant, lasting label. Still, the human body and mind defy age at every turn. Some getting old sooner than others, some remaining youthful in mind and not body, or body and not mind. There is no way to measure experience, depth of thought, ability, maturity, wisdom, or even common sense. So, we measure a person in relation to the number of times the earth has gone around the sun (or the number of times we believe it has) since he or she was born.

There isn't enough time in the day. Have that done by noon. Meet me at 2. Time. I've got time to spare. Can we really have time? Or do we just spend it? We plan to spend time even before we have it, measuring the amount of time we have left in the day, using it like a credit card. We can save time, but that only will do us good if we use that right away. There is no way to earn more time than we are allowed. It is said that time is our most precious resource. I say that the worth of time is not the amount, but its use.

Is there any way to seperate one's mind from the concept of time? In our society, it is rare to spend a day without planning, or organizing our activities parallel to the clock. I'm going to lay in bed all day. I can wait until 3 to do homework. My day is already gone, I'm planning on going to a service project all day. Instead, perhaps we should first think of what we need to acomplish, then let time pass as it will. After all, why worry about something we can't control?

Suddenly I'm scratched out, suddenly I'm penciled in

I love weekends. They are the best ever. I'm so glad to not have anything to remember. I've been forgetting things left and right...*sigh* I need to get a handle on myself. A nice long weekend with music, friends, laughter, and the Sabbath will help me get my head on straight. Hopefully.