An Unorganized Analysis of My Inability to Cope

How does life go like this?! The only possible answer I can come up with is that it's meant to be. It seems that everyone and her dog has an innate desire to torture me!! I'm trying to be good! I'm trying to not be jealous! But no!! What do I have to do?! I've done everything I can possibly think of, and I turn out just like every other girl in the school. Every girl I meet has a crush on him. I admit I'm exaggerating a little, but let me count. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 that I can think of right on the spot. Why does this torture me? How could they possibly have any effect on me? Their shared "secrets", friendship, and better odds of winning all get under my skin in a way that I may not be able to describe.

These girls take me into their confidence. They tell me I'm their friend. Sometimes I don't want to be. They mostly just want someone to gush to. They go on and on about him, and how cute he is, and how he smiled at them, or what super nice thing he did for them today, how they felt so giggly, and how they're sure that he likes them in return. "Ooo I must be in love with him." Bah! Then they tell me about how their friend likes him too, and how they both are fighting over it. I sit there. I listen. I say things like "aw" and "how cute" and "congratulations". All the while I want to scream. I feel sick, and sometimes I do get physically sick. I think to myself "How dare you? How DARE you speak of him in such a manner? Your disrespect and taking for granted his admiration is sickening, your thoughtless words make him seem shallow, and how do you DARE to imagine yourself with such a person? He is of a caliber far greater than anything you could ever hope to achieve!" It hurts that I can't say anything. They would hate me for it. They would try to make it even more difficult for me than it already is.

For the girls who really are my friends, I give in to their pleas, and I help them. I help them to win him! And they cannot possibly understand how it consumes me, how it burns to the core. I am torn with indecision. Is it better to help my friend, or to save my sanity? They cannot catch me trying to win him. They would think me an unfaithful friend. So I keep quiet. I help them win him. Secretly, though, I still win. Because none of them ever have won him.

Eventually, however, I lose. The odds are good that I lose. 12 bidders (just in my range of knowledge alone). 1 item. I don't have much to offer. I lose. What I do have to offer, I give to my friends to bid. I lose. I lose him. I lose the game, I lose my sanity, I lose half of the reason, the purpose, and who can run on only half their mental and emotional capacities? I think of them, I ask them mentally what makes them so brash as to go for him. I think of myself, and want to dash myself against a wall for thinking myself halfway good enough to be that girl. There is a part of me, however, that thinks I AM good enough. That brings me to the most tortured citizen of my soul.

I am bitter. I am jealous. I could not win. It's all about me, and I gave up my everything to have him. I did for one moment. I had him. But despite my sacrifices, despite all my change of heart, my progress toward perfection, I am still imperfect because I lost him and I'm bitter. I don't deserve him because of the way I am without him. Anyone can be perfect in his presence. I wish I could find it within me to be worthy of him while he's away.

I hate to listen to their gushing. I hate to help them with their games. I hate to think of uncertain future. Must it always end the same? I am a pathetic teenager and I know it! I am immature, with melodrama coming out the lumbago, but I can't get myself to see reason! I can get myself to think "duh, once high school's over, that's it. He goes on his mission, and once he's back, at least one of us will have forgotten the other completely. That's the way this sort of thing always works." I believe it all. I know it all. But there's no getting my emotions to change. I cannot cope. I cannot adapt. Will I simply wallow in selfpity until there's nothing else of me left? I am not entirely sure I will be able to do anything else.