A snippet of what goes on in my head.

There's a cricket outside. That cricket has at least 10 friends, and they are all cricking their happy cricks together. I have every reason to be happy, and 90% of the time, I am. I have a great family, great friends, the gospel, a house, clothes, and even a few things that I never use. I have a smile, a laugh, and eyes that see the world the way it is, and sometimes the way it should be. I have permission to use the car more than I should. I have a brain that thinks about the world around me. I have agency to choose whether or not I will use my resources and privelages wisely, or scramble for more. I don't understand. I'm only 17. These symptoms sound too much like something else, but I'm only 17! I want to run around, be a kid for at least a little while longer. I want to be frivelous, flighty, flirty, and fickle. I want to focus on my friends when they need it. I want to be the person who helps people, not one who needs help! I want to be the person people can look up to, a person worth while. I don't want to be sad, not even 10% of the time. I'll go for 4%, I suppose, because without sadness, we don't learn the meaning of happy. I don't know why! I don't know why! I'm only 17! I was only 15! I'm still just a little girl in a big mean world, and I don't know why these emotions keep seeping in, because I'm still just a kid! I'm not sad. I'm just a tad confused. Maybe even scared. Yes. I think that's it. I'm not sad, I'm only scared. I'm scared for graduation. The seniors I've grown to love. They'll be gone. I'm scared for my own graduation. I'm scared for when all my friends get married, and what if...what if I don't? Who will I be, and what will I do, and how will I deal with that? How would I deal with the fact that everyone found someone that loved them, but me? And majoring in music is really scary. It's gigantically impractical for a girl who can't even get a date to the prom. I was going to be an architect. That was safe. This is not; this is scary; this is total dreamer material in the world's eyes. Still, deep down, it feels right. It just feels right, and I just have to take a leap of faith. The steps in the darkness are scary. I hope the light turns on real soon. Because there's a cricket outside and I'm happy 90% of the time.