Some of this was meant for you. (not Mr. Wealthy)

I thought I had finally gotten over it. I was on a happiness plateau. I was happy. Very happy. Read back a few posts. I was DARN happy. Now I'm not. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. Everything is the same, if not better. And I'm mad at those I should love. I don't like life. Again. I hate it. Overnight, (Thursday to Friday) I go from a happiness plateau to a ditch. Not even as majestic as a canyon, or as intriguing as an abyss. A ditch. No noble tragedy, no selfless dispair, just selfish lack of happiness. And why? I don't know. Green Bean has been great. Beet has been better. Zuchinni is pretty much awesome. Radish has been absolutely magnificent, and has surprised even me. Of course, the things that were bothering me when I was happy are the same now. The only difference is...I'm not happy! I worry, I get paranoid, I get stressed out, I get touchy and offended. I get down on myself, I remember whenever someone said something that hurt me. I get mad, and then when I try to figure out why, the anger goes away and is replaced by self-destruction. When I try to build myself up, self-destruction turns into despair. And I don't know why. There's nothing I can do. I've tried everything. I hope I'm not truly mentally ill, because I know I would never take medication. I'm too afraid that I'll stop trying to be normal, if I know I'm not. I'm angry! Only one person emails me EVER, even though I sent out a plea of help. Every single one of you has email. No one posts regularly on the combined blog, even though I've asked, and suggested, and tried, and you promised! Frisbee was fun. The only time in months. I know, that's partly my fault. I hope you don't read my blog, because I'm not sure you want to read me getting so angry at you. I read your blogs regularly. So I can know you better. And I comment on yours so you know I actually care about stuff you have to say. (unless it's about historic politics, I mean, honestly) I have recieved three, maybe four comments. Ever. Two of them were from people I have never met in my life, on a blog that none of you know exists. I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And I'm falling apart. I can't do this anymore. How many of you actually TRY? I know you care, but you don't actually TRY. You may notice, and ask once or twice if I'm doing ok. You may sit quietly while I tell you why I'm shaking so badly on every level. Only three people are actually willing to have a conversation with me and to offer suggestions. I'll give you a hint: if you are reading this, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. They are 2/3 boys (which is really sad, considering the stereotype that girls are better at being sensative). They don't always have the wisest advice, and they aren't the best at expressing themselves, but they help me just by listening. Not only that, but they give me feedback. They try to understand. They make me feel ok, loved, and accepted even with all these things I'm struggling with. They aren't afraid to tell me when something I do totally is against what they think is right. Of course, there is Strawberry, thank you so much for helping to make things better even though we don't often have the chance to have true conversations. Most of you give me weird looks, whenever I tell you something that's really bothering me. So I pretend it's something else. I have ceased to tell most of you my fears and struggles, and the rest of you never got the chance to hear them because I was afraid you would react the same way. You don't know me because you didn't make the effort. Thank you for being my friend, but I hope that we can be better friends in the future, rather than just people who eat lunch together, and play frisbee once in a while. Sorry for completely chewing you out, but it has really been bothering me. I love you all, maybe I'm just expecting too much. Maybe I'm too self-absorbed. You do set good examples in many ways, and I'm thankful for that. A few of you really didn't deserve this chewout. But if you're reading this, IT PROBABLY WAS MEANT FOR YOU. Well, I've got to continue my experiment on how much the body can handle. I've already used up my mind and soul.