I have a passion for life. I want to do everything, and go everywhere, and to jump at any notice, and be able to just go do something crazy! Unfortunately, there is always something I should be doing. Oh well. There is still some time for crazy. I've just got to be more careful, and to not plan quite so much stuff. WEE SUMMMER. Emphasis on the MMMMMM for yummy

A snippet of what goes on in my head.

There's a cricket outside. That cricket has at least 10 friends, and they are all cricking their happy cricks together. I have every reason to be happy, and 90% of the time, I am. I have a great family, great friends, the gospel, a house, clothes, and even a few things that I never use. I have a smile, a laugh, and eyes that see the world the way it is, and sometimes the way it should be. I have permission to use the car more than I should. I have a brain that thinks about the world around me. I have agency to choose whether or not I will use my resources and privelages wisely, or scramble for more. I don't understand. I'm only 17. These symptoms sound too much like something else, but I'm only 17! I want to run around, be a kid for at least a little while longer. I want to be frivelous, flighty, flirty, and fickle. I want to focus on my friends when they need it. I want to be the person who helps people, not one who needs help! I want to be the person people can look up to, a person worth while. I don't want to be sad, not even 10% of the time. I'll go for 4%, I suppose, because without sadness, we don't learn the meaning of happy. I don't know why! I don't know why! I'm only 17! I was only 15! I'm still just a little girl in a big mean world, and I don't know why these emotions keep seeping in, because I'm still just a kid! I'm not sad. I'm just a tad confused. Maybe even scared. Yes. I think that's it. I'm not sad, I'm only scared. I'm scared for graduation. The seniors I've grown to love. They'll be gone. I'm scared for my own graduation. I'm scared for when all my friends get married, and what if...what if I don't? Who will I be, and what will I do, and how will I deal with that? How would I deal with the fact that everyone found someone that loved them, but me? And majoring in music is really scary. It's gigantically impractical for a girl who can't even get a date to the prom. I was going to be an architect. That was safe. This is not; this is scary; this is total dreamer material in the world's eyes. Still, deep down, it feels right. It just feels right, and I just have to take a leap of faith. The steps in the darkness are scary. I hope the light turns on real soon. Because there's a cricket outside and I'm happy 90% of the time.

Somewhere

I love how everything works out. Mostly. Sometimes everything goes horribly wrong, and you fall flat on your face and wonder why you were born, but other times you remember just why you keep loving life. I go back and forth from sure to unsure, longing to indifferent...it's crazy stuff. Finals start tomorrow. I wonder when life starts to get really hard. Do you ever wish you could find somewhere where you could just lie down and no one could see you but the sun, and no one would talk to you except yourself? Where you could just think what you need to think, and be who you need to be. Somewhere under a tree, somewhere warm, soft, safe. Somewhere with no weeds. Somewhere quiet, but not silent. Where the love songs of a hundred years wisk over your skin, penetrate the heart. Where no one will care what you look like, especially not yourself. Somewhere to smile with all substance, to laugh with utmost love, to cry with the deepest sympathy and understanding. I like my room for this reason. All it needs is a tree.

A day for lillies

Today was pretty cool. I went to school late, because I had stuff I needed to finish. Mr. CAD is dumping a bucketload of work on us for the last 2 days. It's craziness. Mr. Wealthy and I had a heated discussion about suicide. I'm not sure if he actually believes what he was saying or just wants us to think. I desperately hope it was the latter. Jazz band was ok. We had to record What Is Hip for the third time, and my solo was the worst time out of the three recordings. Well, Murphey's law, I guess. I LOVE my seminary class. Bro. Shiver's teaching style is just right for me, and the class is awesome. We ask questions, get involved, put in insights, it's so great! I love it every single time. I'm really sad to be leaving it. Hopefully I can help my next seminary class be like that. I watched the Lost season finale. HOLY CRUMOLEOS! I can't even talk about it. Just can't. No. I cannot believe how soon the school year is ending. It's so crazy. I love things lately. I've been doing a TON more spiritual stuff lately, and I feel a HUGE difference. I love everything! Everything gets me excited. I LOVE IT! So, I'm going to continue. Because it works. I bear you my testimony of that.

For a certain Radish I know

Today was a GREAT day. I walked to school really early, and the sky was gorgeous, and everything smelled so good, Robins and little seed things flying all around me, I could've cried it was so beautiful. I helped Mr. Bandman with the uniform inventory: my first task as a Band President. We went outside for APES, which was great. I said hi to Mr. Radish (If he was younger and single, Radish, I think I would fall in love with your dad, lol). I talked to Pear, who gave me some much needed advice. And we're doing Les Mis next year! Can you say dream come true? I AM SO EXCITED! It's really going to be sad having all those seniors graduating...I've gotten REALLY close to several of them. I'm still going to see one of those, though. That'll be happy. BIG PARTY! JUNE 9TH! SUMMER SEMINARY! This summer is going to be FANTASTIC! NO! June 9th is Girls' Camp. Moment of silence for a great night lost. Girl's Camp will be awesome, though. French was good, even though I had to recite my poem on the spot, no props. It went pretty well, and Madame P was laughing pretty hard. Bro. Shiver says it's one of my gifts of the spirit to make people laugh. But I have to use it appropriately. Band was pretty fun. I like the flugel horn. Pomp and Circumstance is going to be annoying and a chop buster, but I'll be too caught up in the whole gradutation thing to notice. Calculus. I love that class, now. So many cool people are in there, and we only do 10 problems a day, and Corn is the only one who makes fun of me anymore (and him only because he's teasing). I stayed after school with Violin while she waited for her Tech Rehearsal. I didn't want her to wait alone. That's the worst. So it was fun talking to her. I'm having slightly more trouble talking to people lately. I need to boost my social skills somehow :D After school, we filmed part of "THE MOVIE". It was great. Then Naisin kicked my face again a few times. No blood this time :D Then I remembered the homework. Oh yeah, I still have some, hehe. Well, this felt really good. It's much closer to the proportion of sad/happy that I usually think/feel. And, ya know, this is how I used to blog all the time. I'm taking back my blog, weeoo.

Not an analysis

To Whom it May Concern,

I'm really mad at you right now. I cannot believe that you could be such a great person and then take people's feelings so much for granted. I cried. She was hurt. At least for her sake - you could have done something at least for her sake. But neither of you did. Though your offenses were slightly different, both were an equal slap to the face, twists of the knife. I can't believe it. Why? You act like perfect gentlemen, but then your words and actions change when it matters most, and you make two young women feel like dirt. If both of you would have just opened your eyes and done something, we both could have been saved a lot of hurting. And you two would have had a great time. But no. We feel like dirt. And it's going to bug me for quite a while. It's going to nag at me, because I simply don't understand why. She and I did everything we could, but because two guys decided that they didn't really care, they'd go and leave us wondering. Why? I don't understand! How can you just do that to someone? Murdering in cold blood their hopes, and even most of their self-esteem. Maybe she doesn't feel so bad about it, but this was something I was relying upon. You two were people I was relying upon. Apperantly, I'm just not the kind of person...never mind. I wish I understood. I don't like being angry.

The Orange

An Analysis

School. Why is it so hard to stay focused?

Well, for me, there are several reasons. The first being that I'm not very good at sticking to things. I'm great at sticking to people, but hobbies...that's a different story. So, when school seems like a hobby, I get tired of it, and slack off. When it seems like a chore, I just put it off until it is difficult to do.

I find it very difficult to do things that don't interest me. Classes that are boring get a lower grade than classes that challenge me, and teach me something.

Who am I doing it for? Myself. Why go through so long doing something I don't like, simply for myself? Couldn't I be serving someone somewhere? Yes, by being educated, I will be in a better position to help people, but...the whole grade system seems stupid. Way to follow the system! Way to suck up to the teacher! Not, good job at applying what you learned to yourself. Not, good job applying what you learned to the world. Not, way to learn from me, even though you learned something slightly different than the words I spoke. Nope. It's good job for being original like everyone else. Way to do things when and how everyone else did. Because it's easier to grade. Because it's easier to rate which children will succeed, and which will think they are failures because they have such a hard time understanding the public education system.

Dish-Doing - An Analysis

I am taking a break from the dishes. It is 1:03 in the morning, and I am taking a break from the dishes. I studied for 3 hours, then went to the dishes to which I have faithfully applied myself for over an hour. And I am only half-way done. Why?

Why am I doing the dishes? I had a moment of recklessness. Some person's Mustang was parked too close to my driveway, when it should have been parked across and down the street. I was in a hurry, and had a moment of recklessness, but you couldn't tell by looking at the outside of the car. NOT A SCRATCH. We found out the owner of this Mustang had a history of car accidents. Many members of his family had quite a history of recklessness or accidents that were "out of their hands." Later, he bills us $872 for "internal damage." Like the good Christian people we are, we accepted the bill without arguement. But not without doubt. I think people should find better places to park their cars. At least he no longer parks it in front of our driveway. He's found someone else to blame "internal damage" on.

But I digress. (wow, that is so cliche it's funny) My parents looked at the bill, and decided it was my fault. Like the good daughter I am, I said, "yes it is my fault, I'm so sorry, I'll be careful for the rest of my life!" I then shrunk into my chair, and awaited the sentence of the judges. Like the good parents they are, they decided punishment was prudent. I should have been grounded from my car. But my mom was too lazy to drive me anywhere. I should have been grounded from my friends, TV, computer, PS2. But my mom didn't like the thought of having me around the house all day. So I got to do the dishes. For the rest of my existance in this house, I get to do the dishes at least 4 days a week. No other child has had a steady dish-doing job, but everytime my mom gets tired, she says "Noelle, go do the dishes." At 11:30 most of the time. When I'm doing my homework.

Why does it take me so long? Well, we have eight people to feed in our house. We have kids that leave frosting messes all over the counter. They paint the kitchen with watercolors, and then it's my job to clean it up. My parents leave dishes from the nights it's not my job "to soak", but then they "soak" just long enough that it's dried and caked on again. "Woops!" they say. It's my problem now. It's also my problem that my mom was too tired to do them the night before, so I've got a double load. It's my problem that my mom uses extra dishes for dinner. It's my problem that the dishes don't all fit in the dishwasher, so I have to wash the rest. It's my problem that we have leftovers that I need to put away. It's my problem that the kids like to dump whole sandwiches into the sink, and watch the soggy bread get all over my hands. It's my problem that my mom likes to put disposal stuff in the wrong sink, so I have to transfer it over to the other sink. But why should she care? It's my problem. Apparently.

It also takes me a long time because I usually try to do a good job. This entails spending 2 hours just trying to fix the absolute catastrophe my mom caused in the cupboard the last time she did the dishes. I don't know how she manages it. Doing the laundry, cooking dinner, (which are pretty much the only household jobs I have ever seen her do) and making the dishes harder for me! Someday I hope to be as good at housework as my mother.

I really do love my mother. Maybe I can blame it all on a chronic illness that I can pretend she has so that I actually want to help more often. Because I have an AP test tomorrow. And my mom had better darn well need the help I'm giving, because it is now 1:22 am and I still have to do the dishes.