I've decided it's impossible to follow my string of thought

Wow. This week. I've done way more social stuff than I'm used to, and more than I prolly shoudl have, but...I loved it. Every moment. And I milked it for all it was worth. Now? I've got to pay the price for that time. I've got to make up for that lost studying and sleep. *sigh* Why must there always be consequences? And yet...I know why. Nothing would ever be learned, ever be done. hehe Today was a great day. Fantabulous day. I'm doing such a good job! I show just enough to encourage, but not enough to scare away! And I've been understanding, funny (sometimes), and inviting. I can't be this way all the time, but I've been doing pretty darn well when it's counted lately. Hopefully I can keep it up. Because that smile is the only thing motivating me right now. Wow, that's kinda pathetic. But no, what else could get me to do the whole school dealio? I can't wait to be a mom. And yet, I'm so dang scared. So...gosh, I hope I'm not being too vain about this week...prolly am. Still, I've done almost everything right! It's so exciting! WEE! hehe

Talking to Pickle taught me a lot. By listening to his inverse opinions, I learned a lot about myself and my situation. I actually like where I am right now! Every once in a while it really actually su@$s (hehe "swearing") but on the whole...he makes me happy. He doesn't have to ask me on a date once a week, he doesn't even have to hold my hand. In fact, why would I want him to? Ok, it'd be a totally YAY moment, but then what? It would continue on from there, or it would just fizzle. And I really don't think I'm suited for, or ever would consider a relationship in high school. It messes things up. Right now, I can flirt with everyone. Sure I don't have a date for Prom, but who cares? Ok, so I do a little, right now. But in 10 years...will that even matter? Heck no. And will it matter that I didn't ruin my relationship with him? yes. I will have saved our relationship by not having a "relationship". Wow...doesn't really make sense, but it does. *sigh* he's so adorable.

Si tu m'aime...

Je ne le comprend pas. Je pense qu'il est fou. Il dit qu'il ne m'aime jamais, mais il fait toujours les choses qui me montre qu'il m'aime beaucoup. C'EST TRES DIFFICILE! GAH! oh well. Why even bother trying to understand?

Freedom - An Analysis

THIS IS AN ANALYSIS

I am free from school for nine days. I am free from homework for none. I am to be free from parents for five days. I am to be free from supervision for none. I am free from oppression and free from generalized discrimination. I am not free to do whatever I want. I am not free from annoyances, from trials, from crime. I am free to spend my money how I want. I am free to receive a fair amount of money for my work. I am free to take the opportunity of a public education. I am not free to let that opportunity pass. I am free to learn what and how teachers and the state think fit. I am not free to learn what how and I want. Many of these restrictions are for the better...but some of them should be changed for good. So in comparison to many places and many people, I am free. But am I free? If I make myself free. If I take the restrictions with the freedoms, and if I take advantage of my opportunities to change the world around me. If I actually am a part of my world, and I work toward what I want. I can make myself free from the manipulation of the media, from the addiction of society. I am free...sort of.

Understanding would be good

I hope one day I understand. I hope one day I will know why he loves me one day and hates me the next. I hope someday I understand why I could never let go, even when he was dragging me through broken glass. Sometime I want to understand why we both have to be so stubborn, and pretend we weren't looking. I'm going to comprehend his coldness. I'm going to have empathy for his silence. I'm going to know why he is so good, and yet cannot be a friend. Why can he sit there and cooly let me tell him how much I want to be his friend, and how I want to understand, and I want to help, but I don't know how. And then he says "That can't be any fun." Vague answers full of apathy! That's all I receive for my hours of help, my years of dedicated friendship. Whether he's afraid, resentful, or merely oblivious, I want to be able to be there for him. Still, how can I be there for someone I can't get a hold of? I am probably so vain for thinking how much I deserve from him, and how much he's robbed me of. He talks so often of basic courtesy, being kind to others, but what does he do to me?! He ignores my frequent pleas for friendship. He ignores all communication. Then once, we have a conversation like the old days. Then he goes back to ignoring me! And then, once confronted, "I must have meant you were a new experience." or "That can't be any fun." and then that's the end of it. No friendly discussion, no heart to hearts. Suppose she is right. Perhaps no good deed goes unpunished.

When the day has finally closed,
And so have my weary eyes,
I dream of music not yet composed,
Of villians I don't yet dispise.

Yet most of all through the dark peaceful hours,
I toss and I turn,
I wish and I yearn,
And all senses burn
For that beauty that once had been ours.

True, one can never relive the past.
All that, I know, is gone.
But hope for the future simply can't last
When our dream died at its dawn.

-Eliza Woodhouse

COOL! WOO! BAND TOUR! It's going to be so fun. I'm so excited. Except. Except. and Except. Ok, other than those, it's going to be the best ever! Wee! Oh well, he won't have(much of) a chance to get to me! I won't let him! ha! I'll show him...ha. lol Oh well. Good friends, good times, good food, good games. I hope. If I can just build a big enough wall...

My Nightmare about Prom

Ok, most people have already heard this, but I had a dream several nights ago...a very bad dream...a nightmare, in fact...hehe. Well, most people got asked to Prom, all except a small bunch of people no one expected to get asked anyway (15 year olds, people who hate boys, me, etc.) So, to reitorate, I did not get asked. I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing, but...I decided I wasn't going to let it ruin my life, so I decided to be happy. Until the assembly. They threw an assembly to honor the girls who had been asked to Prom. So they did a bio and a big musical number about the girls who had been asked. But, before the climax, they dragged me onto the stage, sat me on a chair, and made me hold a sign that said "Don't let this happen to you." Then they talked again about how wonderful all those girls were, and then they said, "And what's better, they're not anything like that! (and then all the girls who had been asked simulatneously pointed their fingers at me so the audience could see who they were talking about) She didn't even get asked!" And everyone giggled behind their hands. I held up very well, I think. I only teared up. Until it was over, and then I was allowed to cry. I think most people would.

In Preparation for Prom

THIS IS AN ANALYSIS

I thought it might be funny, so one day I said "Only 32 asking days until prom!" Immediately, at least 3 girls were glaring at me, and one said "Don't you even say that." I apologized profusely, not wanting to be considered a wag. Wow, I did NOT expect to get my head bitten off for a simple comment (especially one meant to be humorous). Why does Prom have such a big impact on people, especially girls?

Prom is fun. Ideally, you get asked by a good friend, or that guy you've had your eye on for a while. Then, you have plenty of time to go shopping around for your dress, shoes, and anything else you stand in need of. The night is beautiful, with dancing, friends, everyone is happy for everyone else despite usual animosity. The boys are gentlemen, all the girls look pretty. And if you put enough into it, you will too. Sometimes it works out better than others, with the time crunch, but either way, you look better than you do at school. Sweet. Why would this have a negative affect?

Obviously, the better the event, the more desire to go! And can a girl go anytime she wants? No! It happens once a year. No! The boys do the asking (unless you're going for the reform). And no one goes stag to Prom. That's just not Kosher. So, anyway, there is a bunch of stress. "Will he ask me?" "Will she say yes?" "WILL ANYONE ASK ME!?" And the closer Prom gets, the less of a chance there is to be asked.

Not only is Prom fun, but it is a way to determine the individual success of a female. Now, it is not recommended to do so, but it happens. "Wow, I didn't get asked. My guy friends must like some other girl more than me. I must not have something the girls that got asked do. What are the possibilities? Too bad I have a major crush on that guy who asked someone else. She must be prettier. Heaven knows she's thinner. She must be smarter, too. She must but more of what people want. I must be someone no one likes quite enough to take to Prom. Wow, I suck." This is not what girls should be thinking, but many of us think this way, and it ruins our self-esteem for a long time. So this is another reason why we simply NEED to be asked!

Now, many girls do not fit this description. Some of these dislike prom for other reasons. Mostly they're just jealous, but some really dislike shopping. Some dislike spending so much time getting ready. Some just hate the stress, and some just hate boys. They dislike the shallow creepiness of girls who say "Guess who asked me?" even though they dislike the boy, and only want to go because it will give them a chance to show off a revealing dress, and themselves being popular.

Do I like Prom? Heck yes! Still, as it approaches, and I still don't have a date...I don't know whether to be excited or to allow my defensive mechanisms to start kicking in...for more info, see the dream above summarized